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In the course of conducting research into parenting teenagers, I’ve found that much of it focuses on lists of ‘how to deal with your teenager having sex/smoking/drinking.' It’s almost as if there’s a sense of removal from the fact that you and your teenager are two people, in one of the closest relationships either of you will have in your lives, and that your teenager is someone you love deeply – no matter how challenging that may be at times. All this focus on ‘teenage behaviour’ takes away from the fact that your teenager needs you to be their parent and from the fact that – no matter what they’re doing – they’re still your child.
I’m not going to give you a checklist of how to deal with some of the things your teenager will inevitably do, simply because they’re a teenager. I want, instead, to explore some of the deep emotions that can arise for you as the result of your child transitioning into teenagehood.
Be prepared for a shock. When you’ve had a close, loving relationship with a child who has always been well behaved at home and school, you may assume that your child is going to sail through their teenage years without being moody, rude, lazy, or into drugs, sex, or alcohol. The fact is, your easy-going little kid is going to become a teenager and is very likely to suffer mood swings and do stuff you don’t approve of. This isn’t a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of physical and mental changes taking place for your child and the shifting social and emotional pressures they are under. The transition of a child into a teenager feels surprisingly quick and dramatic, although the signs of early puberty may have been around for a while. I was shocked at having a young man who was essentially different in every way to the child who had been around for the previous 14 or 15 years. When your child is taller than you, has a deep voice, and essentially acts like a different person, it’s a lot to take in.
Be prepared for rejection. When our children are younger, we tend to take care of the majority of their needs and provide the emotional support they need. Teenagehood is a time when your child is beginning to assert his or her independence, albeit within the safety net of having you around. There will be things that your child doesn’t want to share with you, no matter how open they were when they were younger. When your child doesn’t want to spend as much time with you or share as much of their life with you, it can feel like a deep rejection.
Be prepared to be exhausted. Up until my son became a teenager, there wasn’t too much drama in our relationship. Suddenly, there was a series of dramatic incidents – a friend being taken to hospital with alcohol poisoning, staying out late, and even a police visit. Coupled with the mood swings, it was unbelievably stressful and exhausting.
Be prepared to feel sad. Particularly if your teenager is your only, or youngest, child, you may feel sad that their earlier childhood has come to a halt. You may miss the involvement, the cuddles, the comparative lack of drama. And you’ll probably feel guilty for feeling all these things too. If your child is starting to make choices you don’t agree with, you may feel sadness at the loss of what you thought was their potential. You may even be preparing for your child to leave home, which can bring up deep feelings of grief.
Be prepared to change, too. All of the above may seem a bit doom-and-gloom but the reality is that having a teenager is hard. We hear so much about sleepless nights and nappies but for many parents managing that stage of a child’s life is infinitely easier than dealing with a teenager. In order to manage your child’s transition into adulthood, you need to be prepared to change, too. If you try to overly parent your child by doing things in the same way as when they were little, you risk causing your child to rebel against you or raising a child who cannot take responsibility for their own actions or make adult decisions.
Teenagehood is a transition. Tough as it might be at times dealing with a teenager, your child isn’t going to be a teenager forever. I’ve learned more about myself as a person as a result of raising a teenager than I have at any other point in my life. My son, who I seemed to be permanently worried about for a few years, is now in his twenties. He’s happy, pursuing a career he loves, and is a joy to be around. Even during the toughest teenage years, I knew he was a decent, loving person underneath and took as much care as I could to focus on that. During the more challenging times, it’s important to remember that this is a particularly tough time in life for your child, too, and one, like all other life stages, which will transition into something new.
