Narcissism
5 Reasons Narcissists Don't Want You to Be Yourself
Why being yourself goes against the needs of a narcissist.
Posted October 27, 2021 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- People who are high in narcissism tend to need their needs to be met by others.
- Someone "being themselves" can be in conflict with a narcissist's needs.
- It is possible to learn how to be yourself again, but doing so may lead to estrangement or aggression from the narcissist.
If you have been unfortunate enough to be raised by someone high in narcissism, or have formed a close relationship with someone high in those traits, you may be aware that the one thing they don’t want you to be is… you. If your parent was highly narcissistic, you might only have a very vague idea about who you are in the first place, given the degree to which your parent has moulded you and shaped your understanding of who you are.
Narcissists tend to be extraordinarily needy people. They often measure their actions by the response of other people and are frequently looking for external validation. Anyone who is closely involved with a narcissist can be drawn into meeting their needs. These needs include feeling wanted and valued above all others, being in control, being made to feel superior, and perhaps even supporting the narcissist in their passive-aggressive behaviours.
More than anything, when it comes to a relationship with the narcissist in your life, they will likely want you to be what they want and need. “Being yourself” is in conflict with that, usually for the following reasons.
1. You know who you are.
Being yourself suggests that you know where you stop and the narcissist starts. You have an awareness that there is a “you.” Many people—and particularly those who have been raised by narcissists—have a very poorly defined sense of themselves as autonomous beings. When you do have a clearly defined sense of “you,” you will have an ability to create boundaries between you and the narcissist. You will have a sense of your own likes, dislikes, and values. Someone who knows who they are, what they like, and considers themselves separate from the narcissist is difficult for the narcissist to control in the way they need to.
2. You act as you want to.
"Being yourself" suggests that you are acting in a way that feels right for who you are. People who are high in narcissism tend to want people to be a reflection of them and to act in ways that meet their needs. If you act in a way that is perfectly reasonable, but that meets your needs rather than those of the narcissist, you may be perceived as posing a threat to them—or, at the least, be less useful than if you lacked the ability to be yourself.
3. You don’t fit a role.
Narcissists tend to benefit from assigning people "roles." This is perhaps most evident in families in which the parents assign children roles—roles that might include "golden child," "scapegoat," "surrogate parent," or "enabler." There is often considerable pressure to fulfil these roles—and if you choose to “be yourself” in a way which steps outside the confines of your assigned role, you will likely be of less use to the narcissist.
4. You challenge the narcissist’s story.
Narcissists often attempt to construct a world in which they are special and superior. They may devise stories in which they are a wonderful (and special) parent, partner, or friend. They may use gaslighting techniques to tell stories about the past and present that may have very little basis in truth. If “being yourself” means challenging their stories, you risk shattering those discourses which maintain their superiority.
5. You are empowered.
Narcissists tend to need people around them who are easily manipulated. They weaken people by using emotionally abusive tactics, and they attract people who may already have a weaker sense of self (sometimes because of their own upbringing). When you stand up for you who you are, you likely cannot meet the narcissist’s needs in the way they want.
How to Cope with the Aftereffects
Perhaps you are questioning who you are. Perhaps you feel that, at some point in your life, you had a stronger sense of self and would like to rediscover it. Maybe you have experienced the fallout of being yourself and have become estranged from the narcissist in your life, or have been on the receiving end of aggressive behaviour.
No matter how long you have been defined in relation to a narcissist, you can work on becoming yourself and experiencing life as an autonomous person. You have a right to be yourself—no matter what you have been told. Even if they have not been clearly defined, you have rights and values that make you unique and that may be in conflict with those of the narcissistic person with whom you are involved. No matter how much the narcissist might try and convince you that their needs take priority over yours, it's not true.
If you need help in recovering, please seek out the help of a suitably qualified therapist.
