Narcissism
Four Ways a Narcissist Uses "I Love You" to Manipulate You
How narcissists use "I love you" to manipulate, dominate, and control others.
Posted March 1, 2021 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Saying “I love you” can be one of the most profound experiences you can have. Revealing your vulnerability with this phrase can allow you to heal as you open yourself up to another. Telling someone you love them can alter the course of your life—we’ve all seen the movies where expressing undying love offers the potential for bliss. We can provide comfort to someone in emotional or physical pain, and perhaps our last act of connection will be to say “I love you” to a beloved parent, friend, child, or lover as we spend our last moments with them.
However, these three precious words which carry so much weight can be twisted and warped, precisely because of the power they convey. In the hands of a narcissist, skilled as they are in the art of using words to gain power, control, and adoration, “I love you” can be used to manipulate, gaslight, and dominate.
Does this mean that every time a narcissist declares their love for you that they don’t mean it? No. Some narcissists will be genuinely moved at times to reveal how they are feeling. But if you’re involved with a narcissist, there will be other times when there is a hidden meaning behind the phrase.
"I need you to be my number 1."
Narcissists need people to become their narcissistic supply. They’re not interested in surrounding themselves with “half-measures” people. They need people who are ready to be a devoted employee, friend, child, or lover, ready to accept their bad behaviour and protect them from other people who are capable of calling out their faults. There’s a desperation in how far the narcissist will go to draw people in as close as possible, and saying, “I love you” can be an extremely effective way of doing that. Narcissists often prey on people who are desperate to feel loved, valued, and needed, and the power of hearing those words can provide a heady mixture of all of those feelings.
"Come back to me."
Often volatile, abusive, and demanding, narcissists can be difficult people to be around—and even the most patient person can reach a breaking point and try to end the relationship. One effective way that a narcissist can draw someone back into their realm is to say, “I love you.”
If you’re especially important to a narcissist, they’ll say and do just about anything to get you back, including using those powerful three words. The narcissist is more than aware of how potent this phrase is and they’re quite happy to use it to draw you in again.
"You’ve got it wrong."
Gaslighting and narcissism often go hand in hand, and saying “I love you” is a great way of downplaying some of the horrendous behaviour you’ve been subjected to. Adding a “but” makes this an even more effective gaslighting tool.
My client Tina told me that, whenever she plucked up the courage to tell her partner about the effect his behaviour was having on her, he would deny that he’d meant to hurt her in any way. “He’d always finish off by saying, ‘But I love you. How could you think I was trying to hurt you?’ That declaration of love always left me feeling a bit confused and like I’d exaggerated the situation.”
"I want you to love me."
Saying “I love you” to a new partner for the first time is generally a nerve-wracking experience that carries a huge risk of rejection. Frankly, if we put ourselves out there, chances are we’re looking for validation and for the recipient to respond with an “I love you” back. Hopefully, most of us gauge the situation and utter the words from a heartfelt place, with the main intention being to express our feelings rather than to push the other person into declaring their feelings.
The narcissist’s motivation for saying “I love you” may be far more focused on your anticipated response than on their emotional experience. Once they have the response they’re looking for, they’re satisfied and may even have little interest in you.
Another client, Daniel, experienced this with his mother. “We hadn’t spoken for a couple of years. When I eventually went to see her, she told me that where she’d probably fallen down as a mother was in loving me too much and being too soft on me. When she said, ‘I love you,’ I said I loved her too. After that, she kind of looked a bit bored. It was almost like she’d got what she wanted and the old nasty behaviour came to the surface again.”
As humans, we all have the desire for close, loving connections, and finding the words to express our feelings is fundamental to who we are. If you’ve been on the receiving end of a manipulative “I love you” remember that, for most people, these three words are offered with kindness and sincerity and, above all, love.
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