Narcissism
How Does Your Narcissistic Mother Impact Your Children?
...and why it's important to stop them from recreating your own childhood.
Posted January 7, 2021 Reviewed by Devon Frye
As with any intimate relationship, the relationship between a narcissistic grandmother and her grandchildren is complex—and it’s exhausting and stressful when you’re caught in the middle of it. Grandchildren, potentially, make for great narcissistic supply—new, innocent little people who can be moulded to meet the grandmother’s needs. If you allow it, your child could be drawn into your mother’s complex web of emotional ties. If you don’t allow it, your child might become the object of dislike by your mother, which is deeply hurtful to be on the receiving end of.
Sheila describes how controlling her mother was when she had her older daughter. "Mom just took over from day one. As a single mother, I didn't know how to stand up to her. She just told me she knew best. She completely disrespected my boundaries as a parent".
From the tiniest violations of parental boundaries which most grandparents are probably guilty of from time to time—giving a child sweets when they’ve been asked not to or buying the child a toy when the parents are trying to teach them the value of money—to the biggest boundary violations, including using a child as a go between, narcissistic parents consistently violate their children's boundaries.
They also have favourites. Just as within their own families, where children tend to be divided assigned different roles such as golden child and surrogate parent, narcissistic grandparents assign different roles and different levels of affection to their grandchildren. Daniel describes how hurtful it was to witness his mother's behaviour towards his son. "She didn't like him, mainly because she had a lot more access to my sister's children. In comparison, she made her lack of contact with him into something it wasn't. It was very upsetting seeing how nasty she could be to him".
If you have been raised by a narcissistic mother, it’s crucial that you don’t allow your children to be drawn into her toxic behaviours and learn that her way of doing things is desirable or acceptable. If your usual response to her has always been to back down, accept the situation, and avoid confrontation at all costs, the temptation is often to let her get away with this type of behaviour. Crossing her runs the risk of her going to the other extreme and losing all interest in your child. In the end, taking back your control as a parent is extremely hard.
If you want to end the family legacy and show your children that there is another way to be within a family—which means being respectful of each other’s boundaries, being kind to each other, and allowing each other autonomy—it’s important to address any issues you might have with a narcissistic grandmother.
