Wired For Love

Strengthening the brain for better, closer relationships

Amy Banks

Why Does Therapy Take So Long?

As I learn more about how the human brain works and changes, I find myself wondering how in the world is talk therapy effective. The numbers just don’t add up.

#MeToo—Changing Brains, Relationships and Power Dynamics

Neuroscience has something to add to the #MeToo movement.

Interpersonal Rules that Undermine Your Relationships #7

In a relational world, you learn that the expectation of doing things “on your own” is stressful and when you body is stressed, your gut takes over.

Interpersonal Rules that Undermine Your Relationships #6

We are often left to intuit what level of difference is ok not realizing that the socially acceptable level of difference is constantly shifting as you move through life.

Can Neuroscience Help Me Send My Daughter to College?

Some days it feels like I am about to loan my most favorite piece of heirloom pottery to a fraternity. Other days it feels like I am saying good-bye to my best friend.

Interpersonal Rules that Undermine Your Relationships #5

The level of relational rigidity in the dominant-subordinate dynamic is destructive for all.

Interpersonal Rules that Undermine Your Relationships #4

In a power over system, it is essential to know who is in charge – and quite easy. The people in the dominant group are always in charge.

Interpersonal Rules That Undermine Your Relationships #3

Group polarization is a term used for the observation that when people who share similar beliefs join together in groups, they become more convinced their judgment or view is right

Interpersonal Rules That Undermine Your Relationships #2

A longstanding myth in our culture is that only the fittest members of society flourish and procreate and that a person's survival and safety is dependent on individual strength.

Interpersonal Rules that Undermine Your Relationships #1

You would think twice before trying to befriend a German Shepard guarding a family home

Seven Interpersonal Myths that Undermine Your Relationships

Rule #1 – You are healthiest and most mature when you can stand on your own, self-regulate your emotions, and NOT depend on others.

Nature vs. Nurture in Brain Science

Are children inherently mean spirited, acting out the unique human capacity to judge and stratify based on their own selfish needs, or are they hard-wired to connect?

Bridging Difference: Beyond Us vs. Them

The human community is at a seminal crossroads. Are we going to use our brains to build edifices that cement the association between difference and danger?

Does Difference Scare You?

In this environment it is harder to dodge and hide from other’s opinions and beliefs when we disagree.

Selective Attention Limits Your Ability to See Others

Our experience of the world and the signals we allow into conscious awareness can easily be limited by past experience and even by a simple, in the moment, switch in focus.

Are Power Over Relationships Inevitable?

“Neuroaffiliative hormones” are chemicals running through your body 24/7 that help shape your experience of being in human relationship.

Social Isolation Can Kill You

After controlling for age, sex, race, economic status, physical health status, stressful life events, and cigarette smoking, researchers still found that those who perceived their social support to be impaired had a 340% higher rate of premature deaths than those who felt their social support was good.

Connection: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

No matter who you are or where you live, when you are in healthy relationships you increase the chance of living longer and dying happier.

Stopping the Pain of Social Exclusion (Banks and Craddock)

This neuroscience finding requires that we stop bifurcating pain into physical and emotional and start realizing that pain is pain and that social exclusion and marginalization are forms of violence that impact individuals and whole groups of people.

The Dopamine Reward System: Friend or Foe?

We live in a culture that actively undermines this precious dopamine-relationship connection. We raise children to stand on their own two feet while the separate self is an American icon of maturity. It is making us sick.

The Relational Neuroscience of "Well Meaning White People"

How do “well-meaning white people” escape the pain of oppression and violence? There are so many ways – we can distract ourselves with a trip to the mall or a few hours of on-line shopping. Ding – the dopamine reward system is activated and we feel lighter, better and even safer.

The Four R's - Reading, 'Riting, "Rithmatic and Resonance

Connection and cooperation are part of the everyday lives of most people and a strong mirror neuron system is essential in each and every one of life’s negotiations. It is high time that we add the fourth “R” to the basic skills taught in education—reading, ‘riting, ’rithmetic, and resonance!

The Social Pain of Rejection

SPOT theory confirms that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones – but it also tells us that we all live in glass houses.

Balancing Your Stress Levels One Relationship at a Time

The capacity to feel calm in a healthy relationship is as natural and automatic as the ability to feel terrified watching Friday the 13th. It is how we are wired. However, a culture that teaches “self-regulation” and urges you to stand on your own two feet is sending the wrong message to your nervous system.

Do You Ever Think About Marrying Your Dog?

Do you ever think relationships with people are more problem then they are worth? Are you frequently disappointed by friends and family who are supposed to have your back? Do you ever think about marrying your dog? Join the club!

Healthy Relationships Overlooked in Search for a Quick Fix

Simply thinking about your strongest relationships can change your brain chemistry in a positive way. Imagine the benefits of being face to face with the people you love!