Finding Your Win-Win Parenting Solutions

When you both win, your child wins too.

Source: Caleb Oquendo/Pexels

Win-win parenting involves two parents working toward solutions whereby they both get what they need. This can apply to fights and disagreements, but it also applies more generally—such that both parents feel they are winners, and by extension, their child wins too.

Sound simple? Maybe, but it’s not always so easy in practice. One reason is the tendency for the gender inequities rampant in our society to assert themselves within the context of the family. I’ll talk a lot more about that in future posts. I’ll also be talking about how you can create a securely attached (“secure-functioning”) relationship, in which both partners work as a seamless team. It’s that kind of teamwork that I see as the secret sauce for successful parenting.

But for now, here are some tips for achieving a win-win, adapted from my book, Baby Bomb:

Win-wins are solutions both partners feel positive about; neither partner walks away from a win-win feeling resentment or harboring hurt feelings.

Win-wins are a hallmark of secure-functioning relationships. You two recognize that the more balanced each of you feels, the better off your partnership is. So it’s not totally selfless; it’s actually in your self-interest to care about your partner’s balance or lack thereof. This is the bedrock of secure functioning: You both want what’s good for both of you. It’s the ultimate in teamwork. And it makes your partnership a place where both of you want to be, a place that feels good to both of your nervous systems and brings glowing secure attachment into your lives….

Sometimes you’ll hear a win-win equated with a compromise, and sometimes you’ll hear them presented as mutually exclusive strategies. Let me explain how I’m using the terms here. In a compromise, each partner gives up something for the sake of the greater good of their coupledom. In this sense, compromise can be seen as emphasizing what you each give up. In contrast, a win-win focuses on what you both gain. You both acknowledge that neither of your individual solutions is fully satisfactory to both, so you come up with a third option.

Despite this distinction, I think a compromise can be part of a win-win solution. As you negotiate, you can include some element of compromise—something you trade off with each other. For example, my husband Charlie and I might decide he will watch Jude so I can go for a run, and when I get home, I’ll watch Jude so Charlie can work on some photographs. To a win-win purist, that might not be considered legit, but in the context of secure functioning—where your mandate is to take care of each other even if it means sacrificing something you want so your partner gets what they want—I think it works.

You know you’ve reached a win-win when both you and your partner can high-five at the solution, confident neither of you will feel resentful, cheated, or bitter about it. The following are guidelines for negotiating win-wins….

Name the problem. First things first: You want to make sure you’re both trying to solve the same problem. After you’ve defined what’s not working, discuss any attempts you’ve made collectively or individually to solve it.

Take turns spitballing ideas. Maintain a safe environment in which you’re allowed to put any ideas on the table for consideration. When you feel safe, it’s easier to get your creative juices flowing. Think outside the box. What could you each contribute to make a solution work? Each idea is entitled to an open and fair discussion to determine if it could be a win for both partners.

Equal veto power. Narrow down your ideas by eliminating those that aren’t wins for both of you. If one of you says no, that’s a nix. You must both dismiss the idea. Trying to repackage an idea that was dismissed and submitting it for another round of spitballing can upend the negotiation if one partner doesn’t feel their no was respected. Instead, it can help if a partner who says no also offers an alternative solution. That will make it harder for one partner to keep a heavy foot on the veto pedal.

Hone in on your win-win. The goal is for both you and your partner to feel positive about the resolution. When both of you are feeling good (or at least 80 percent good), you’ve done it! If you can’t find a win-win during your initial attempt, don’t sweat it. Put it down for now, and circle back to it later.