Gifting: It's Surprisingly Good for Both Giver and Receiver

There is a reason gifting as a ritual has persisted throughout the ages. Giving is more about the giver than the receiver. The desire to be remembered plays an important role in the gifting ritual. My parents have many heirlooms that were given to them as wedding presents by relatives. Through these heirlooms, the giver is remembered in perpetuity, every time the gift is used. The memory of the givers and their relationship to the recipient is what is most important. For recipients, acknowledging and appreciating a gift is also an important aspect of the gift-giving ritual.

Providing pleasure for someone else is another reason we give gifts. For example, a recent UK study of couples taking a three-week massage course found that giving your partner a massage can be just as rewarding as receiving a massage. Those who gave the massage reported just as much of a reduction in stress as those who received the massages. The giver reported a significant increase in physical and emotional well-being, purely by providing a pleasurable experience to the recipient.

Many human cultures have different gift-giving rituals. Social psychologists have tried to understand gifting from an evolutionary standpoint by focusing on the process rather than the event of presenting the gift. Often, the gift-giving ritual has been viewed as a social obligation. At times, it can cause the recipient of a gift a significant amount of anxiety, since people can feel both a need to repay the giver and to offer up something of equal value. This is what social anthropologists have called the gift-giving paradox.

One form of gifting that does not involve commerce is the peace offering, whereby the giver is asking forgiveness for some past transgression. Elephants do this by placing their trunk in the mouth of another, in a trunk-to-mouth exchange, as a form of reconciling after a previous altercation. If two chimpanzees have an altercation, they come together afterward and offer a hug and a kiss on the lips. In bonobos, researchers believe that the gift of a sexual encounter reduces tensions surrounding food sharing—which gives a whole new context to “friends with benefits.”

Western society, as a whole, has expressed gift-giving fatigue in the last few decades. All the commercialization that has sprung up around the winter holidays has spiraled out of control. With modern, online, organized options, such as wedding and baby-shower registries, all the practical aspects of giving are managed. This means we no longer risk receiving 10 toasters at our wedding, nine of which need to be returned. Yet this risks taking some of the meaning and benefit out of giving.

Commercialization can hijack our rituals. In response, some married couples ask their wedding guests to forego presents and make a donation to a charity instead. This rejection of commercialization is noble and yet some opportunity to create a further bond between the giver and receiver may still be desired.

When gifts are personal, and symbolize our affection and knowledge of others, it can strengthen the relationship. A gift shows our appreciation in a lasting way, as a reminder that inspires continued connection. Just as we bear witness to a couple’s marriage, a gift can be an investment in their bond and in our relationship to the couple that extends far beyond the wedding day. For instance, a gift of personalized lessons related to a skill we possess—like with a musical instrument or as a chef—creates opportunities for new shared experiences.

The goals of any gift—whether it’s to commemorate a wedding, a birthday, a graduation, or even just to lift a friend’s spirits when they are having a bad day—are to be a reminder of our relationships, to express our appreciation to someone by showing that we are thinking about them, and to solidify our commitment to that relationship and its future.

This is also true of pet owners. Lavishing attention on a dog, in the form of belly rubs and ear scratches, and seeing the pleasure the dog experiences, is hugely rewarding. The same is true of tickling a baby. Attention can also be considered a gift—particularly when the time and attention is significant, such as when volunteering at an animal shelter or a senior’s facility.

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When my dog presents my husband with his favorite squeaky toy gift or me with a live mouse, I have no doubt that he is enjoying the rewards of a gifter. Presenting offspring with a prey item as a practical gift to teach them hunting skills is very common in nature. For example, meerkats eat scorpions but have to learn how to eat them without getting stung. A pup is first presented with a scorpion with the stinger removed. After some trial and error, the pup eventually learns to remove the stinger itself and thus becomes able to capture its own scorpions.

Another context for gift giving is a gift to oneself. Considered a form of self-care, self-gifting is now common in Western societies. It can either protect one’s self-esteem or reward oneself. Buying new workout gear, for example, can be a powerful motivator for achieving an exercise milestone. In Eastern cultures, researchers believe that self-gifting may exist as a material means of obtaining an ideal self or as a strategy to feel more fulfilled. Whatever the reason or intended receiver, gifting is good for your health.