The Price of Entitlement

Source: Jennifer Verdolin 2023

An incident last week in Germany got me thinking about the role dads (human and otherwise) play in raising their kids. The incident involved a 30-year-old man from the U.S. allegedly attempting to sexually assault two women, ultimately pushing them into a ravine, killing one and seriously injuring the other (Independent).

In the last decade, there has been an increase in violence against women, particularly in the U.S. by individuals who call themselves "incels." The U.S. Secret Service described "incels" as a significant, violent threat in its 2022 National Threat Assessment Report. The European Commission also released a report in 2021 detailing that a key feature of identifying as an "incel" was violence against women.

I only recently became aware of this term and frankly, I was mystified. What did it mean? I did some exploring, and discovered it’s none other than burning male entitlement loosely organized into a movement of “involuntary celibates." (DeCook and Kelly, 2022; Vink et al. 2023). It's a label that implies helplessness or a lack of responsibility. Self-entitlement, male or not, has been around for thousands of years and it’s always been an ugly trait. However, this new type seems more widespread, enraged, and infused with a heavy dose of victimhood.

I don't know for sure if the attack in Germany was by a man who identifies as an incel, but what I do know is that fathers play a crucial role in child development, and particularly in shaping their sons' attitudes toward women (Cano and Hofmeister 2023). With all of us recently celebrating Father's Day, I do want to acknowledge all the wonderful fathers out there. However, we also need to talk about how men, including many fathers, generate, propagate, and sustain attitudes of misogynistic patriarchal entitlement that poison young men’s minds and lead to the murders of women.

The good news is that men have the power to change it.

I’ve been in the field studying mountain gorillas and the story we've always told about the silverback is that he’s the head of the family. What he says goes. I mean, just look at him. Who wouldn’t listen? There’s a problem with that story, though: It isn’t accurate. He certainly has a say, but 1) he may be only one of several silverbacks in a family group, and more importantly, 2) females make a lot more decisions than you think. When it comes to sexual access, a recent paper shows how much silverbacks wait for female consent. That’s because females initiate interactions most of the time. Indeed, in most other species, it’s the female who decides if, and when, to mate. By the way, the same is typically true of humans. That's why this “incel” movement is odd—until you realize there's a crucial difference between other animals and many humans, including those self-described incels: the ability to accept rejection. It's a skill that kids start developing at home, the first place they learn (or not) that they're loved, accepted, and cared about, even when they don't get what they want.

Developing resilience in the face of rejection is crucial in interpersonal relationships, for humans and for other animals. That's because when it comes to mating opportunities, there's a lot of rejection being received and delivered, for both sexes. It's part of the process of finding a partner. The Mediterranean fruit fly male spends vast quantities of his time, energy, and creativity drumming up ways to impress a female, only to be turned down a whopping 98 percent of the time. Then there are the elephant seal males who are too small and weak to compete with the “Chads.” The difference between fruit fly males and human “incel” males is that a fruit fly doesn’t blame or kill the females who reject them. Instead, they move on and try again another day with another female they think is worth the effort.

The vast majority of males in other species try harder, do better, and keep improving in the hope that one day, before they’re too old and decrepit, they can convince a female that they’re worthy of their attention. Females do the same. Female fruit flies, for example, are picky because they need the highest-quality mate. Male fruit flies are picky for the exact same reason. Everyone wants the best mate they can attract, and that's how it ought to be. No fruit fly owes another fruit fly sexual access to them, or an explanation for their rejection. When did humans decide we were entitled to a mate? Or to one particular mate?

The thing about rejection is that it stinks. It feels bad. But somewhere along the way, some of us seem to have decided that we’re never supposed to feel bad. Maybe we stopped normalizing rejection and instead preferenced "specialness" or overinflated self-esteem. When parents do this with their kids it can lead to a warped sense of entitlement (Thomassin et al. 2019). Going back to gorillas, do you think the silverback, who’s arguably one of the best dads out there, treats his kids like they’re special? He babysits, he plays with his kids, and he will protect them from any potential threat, no matter how small. But he also disciplines them swiftly and kicks them out of fruit trees so he can have all the fruit for himself. Failure is a necessary part of achieving success. And gorilla kids fail, a lot.

This is where fathers come in. Teach your sons to be the best humans they can be, to be compassionate and humble, and to accept rejection and failure. Teach them that life doesn't owe them anything, certainly not a mate. Use fruit flies, elephant seals, gorillas, zebras, elephants, flamingos, or any other animal as a starting point. And tell them that the "Chads" of the world don't always get the girls, either. Despite all the fierce competition among male kangaroos, for example, most males eventually find a partner. And there's probably a woman out there who will see something special in your son, even if they're ordinary. (And like it or not, most of us are pretty ordinary.)

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Dads, please, teach your sons to take rejection with grace. Teach them to shine and achieve and succeed, instead of bullying, beating, and killing. Because if you don’t, or instead raise sons who have a falsely high opinion of themselves but lack personal accountability it may lead to horrific violence against a young woman who doesn't smile back, accept a phone number, or agree to go on a date.