A Parent’s Intuition: Analyzing an Adult Child’s Partner

Many parents love the romantic partner selections of their children. Others don’t. Many moms and dads, although they often can’t articulate exactly why, feel unsettled, distrustful, or suspicious. Some feel guilty they appear to be passing judgment on a person their child claims makes them happy. But is that really true? In reality, parents are more perceptive in judging character than they give themselves credit for.

Source: [i] Alleyne-Green, Binta, Claudette Grinnell-Davis, Trenette T. Clark, Camille R. Quinn, and Qiana R. Cryer-Coupet. 2016. “Father Involvement, Dating Violence, and Sexual Risk Behaviors among a National Sample of Adolescent Females.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 31 (5): 810–30. [ii] Duran, Julissa G., Kimberly A. Updegraff, Brena, Norma J. Perez, and Taylor, Adriana J. Umaña. 2024. “Parental Involvement in Mexican‐origin Adolescents’ Romantic Relationships: An Examination of Parents’ Cultural Orientations and Parent‐youth Relationships.” Family Process, November.

Red Flags and Family Values

Parents who value interpersonal qualities such as respect, support, and the value of unconditional love are in a good position to notice a child’s partner who doesn’t. Adult children raised in a home with love and positive emotional support are themselves more likely to spot signs of toxic personality than children who were raised in a dysfunctional home. Research corroborates the impact of parental support and involvement in a child’s choice of partner.

Mothers, Fathers, and Culture

Binta Alleyne-Green et al. (2016) explored the impact of biological father involvement on sexual risk behaviors and dating violence of adolescent girls.[i] They note that close parental relationships can protect young people from becoming involved with abusers by helping them develop a sense of self-worth which will reduce the likelihood of entering or staying in an abusive relationship.

They recognize that adolescent girls satisfied with their degree of affective closeness to parents were more likely to recognize relational difficulties, less likely to be victimized, and more likely to seek help, than girls who lacked this positive affect with parents.

Specifically, Alleyne-Green et al. found that girls with a positive, close relationship with their biological fathers, with whom they enjoyed positive communication and engaged in activities, were less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors. They suggest that future studies should examine the impact of father figures such as grandfathers and stepfathers, noting that the presence of a father figure may serve as a stronger predictor of adolescent sexual behaviors than a mere biological connection.

Other research has explored the degree of parental involvement in the romantic relationships of their children, recognizing parents can play a role in either restricting or supporting such relationships—noting the role of cultural factors, which can include traditional family and gender role attitudes.[ii]

But all parents who spend quality time with their children are in a good position to perceive potential romantic relational problems—sometimes before their children do.

Parent Perception of Relationship Red Flags

Parents are uniquely qualified to perceive and evaluate behavior changes in a child they raised. Having known a son or daughter for literally every day of their life, they notice changes in behavior, lifestyle, attitudes, values, or health, including whether such alterations are linked to a new relationship. Here are some red flags to indicate this suspicion is warranted.

Requests for Exclusivity. Partners who seek to isolate romantic interests from their support system are naturally suspect, because parents want to remain close to their children. Activities that are romantic do not have to be remote. Examples include trips to secluded or far away destinations, expensive or invite-only events, or activities geared for couples only.

Emotional discomfort. Parents often can’t put their finger on why they feel uneasy or unsettled around a child’s paramour, but the discomfort always means something. To explore the source of negativity, notice use of language, demeanor, and sometimes most importantly, your child’s visible expressions of comfort or discomfort. You may be sensing a toxic relational dynamic of power imbalance where your child is worried about saying or doing the wrong thing, fearful of the consequences.

Patterns make the paramour. Parents who are concerned about jumping to conclusions can observe a child’s new love interest over time and in different settings. Does he come home from work stressed out and have your daughter walking on eggshells, or is that easygoing weekend style expressed during the work week? Is your son’s new girlfriend as authentically affectionate in public as she is when they are on sitting your back porch sipping lemonade?

Relationships Essential Reads

Why She Wants the Relationship—And Then Wants Out

How to Tell When Emotional Intimacy Is Slipping Away

By remaining involved and attentive, parents who follow their instincts can positively contribute to the relational safety, security, and happiness of their children.