Fanning the Flames: How to Date Your Spouse

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We have all seen them in public. Couples who enjoy easy, loving, seemingly effortless chemistry in all settings. What is the spark that keeps fanning the flame? Research reveals how dating your spouse is the key to enjoying the love of your life, for a lifetime.

The Gift of Quality Time

Yuthika U. Girme et al. (2014) in a piece entitled “Date Nights Take Two” examined how shared relationship activities promote relational maintenance.[i] They assessed “everyday maintenance” strategies—shared activities couples use to sustain or enhance intimacy and relational closeness, such as regular date nights, leisure activities, and shared hobbies.

Studying 196 individuals in their first study, and 83 couples in the second, they had everyone share relationship activities they engaged in to enhance the closeness of their romance. The couples in the second study also reported the quality of shared activities and relationships three months later. Girme et al. found that shared activities help sustain relationships, and activities that predicted enhanced relational quality and longevity were stress-free, satisfying, and increased closeness.

Focus on Your Partner

Regarding individual engagement, Girme et al. found that successful relationship activities take two—the individual and their partner—to be both enjoyable and relationally enhancing. Shared activities only sustain relationships when partners are responsive and want to share quality time with their significant others.

Additionally, they found that successful activities were stronger when they were focused on the relationship or the partner rather than on selfish concerns. In both studies, they found that perceptions of a partner's dedication to the shared activity, rather than one’s interest, were key to creating stress‐free, positive experiences, which improved relationship quality. In contrast, Girme et al. found that the opposite can be true as well, that shared activities stemming from selfish concerns could create relational stress and tension, and accordingly, be less likely to create closeness.

Skydiving Not Required

Thankfully, to boost relational quality, dates did not have to be death-defying feats. Girme et al. found that while many activities participants identified were indeed novel, fun, and exciting, such as taking dance lessons, attending concerts, or going on vacation, other joint activities were more routine or even mundane, such as shopping, talking, gardening, or watching television. They found that the degree to which activities were rated as self‐expanding was not linked with how successfully the activities were in creating closeness or relationship quality. They conclude that couples can build and sustain relational intimacy and satisfaction through a wide range of shared relationship activities.

So, what type of activities should couples consider on dates? Here are some easy ideas.

Take a walk on the wild side. Whether you are in your neighborhood or another city, walking is a great way to explore the wonders of the world. You may notice nature in bloom in your backyard or historical buildings abroad. And constantly changing scenery gives couples a constant stream of conversation topics to enjoy. So, whether admiring architecture or the beauty of nature, walking is healthy, convenient, and better together.

Live, love, and laugh together. Plenty of research (as well as life experience) demonstrates the positive emotions generated by laughter. Visiting a comedy club as a couple can provide a stress-relieving break from routine, and the upbeat afterglow is likely to generate positive interaction afterwards.

Bookstore browsing. Sure, most literature is now online. But staring at a computer screen can’t beat the bookstore experience, wandering the aisles gathering reads to review. And because variety is the spice of life, so is the conversation you have with your partner as you share your selections in comfortable chairs with some warm inspiration from the onsite coffee bar.

Whatever activity you choose, from the momentous to the mundane, ensuring it is selflessly motivated and mutually satisfying will enhance intimacy, satisfaction, and relational quality.