Romantic Reconciliation: Why Faster Is Better

Romantic relationships are exhilarating but can also be exhausting. Although no one likes to be trapped on a relational roller coaster, love creates vulnerability and sensitivity. Considering that there is no such thing as a magically conflict-free existence, the more important issue becomes how do couples deal with disagreement.

Some couples are well-equipped to weather the storms of life, having built solid relationships of love, trust, and respect. Others struggle with personal issues and baggage from past relationships that trigger troubling memories and negative emotions. Yet even they can learn to manage conflict over time, through patience, practice, sometimes therapy, and relational investment.

When it comes to making up after a disagreement, however, time is of the essence. We have all heard the sage advice about not going to bed angry, but between couples, there may be more at stake than a bad mood.

Romantic Reconciliation: What’s the Rush?

Sergio Rinaldi and Fabio Della Rossa, in a report titled “Warning Signs of Impending Critical Transitions in Love Affairs” (2019), explored the link between romantic reconciliation time and relational future.[i] They defined reconciliation time as “the period of dissatisfaction” required post-dispute to restore positive equilibrium. Specifically, among the population they studied, they found that an increase in reconciliation time post-dispute predicts a sudden decrease in relational quality that could precede dissolution.

Most couples don’t need a study to inform them that making up faster is better. Getting back on track means regaining relational stability, as well as restoring quality of life and love. But for some couples, the process is important as well. Periods of temporary dissatisfaction should not involve disrespect. Time matters, but words matter too. Healthy conflict resolution strategies promote rapid relational resolution.

True, the time needed to bounce back after an argument depends on the issues involved. Financial insecurity is different than infidelity. But barring relationship-threatening conflict, quicker is better. Here are some ideas.

Love and laughter. Many partners find that one easy way to lower the temperature is through humor. Because laughter is physiologically relaxing, it is also stress-relieving during an argument.

Distraction through diversion. Some couples find the key to moving on post-dispute requires a change in scenery. Going to a movie together is a great way to interrupt negative energy and emerge fresh with a great new topic to discuss. The dark, focused atmosphere of an actual movie theatre (yes, they still exist) is a better option than enduring post-conflict awkwardness together at home on the couch.

What I love about you. Some couples resolve conflict by swinging the pendulum from resentment to resolution. Celebrating the reasons for journeying through life together often smooths the bumps in the road. Taking turns sharing positive qualities each partner loves about the other can quickly turn conflict into contentment.

Safety in numbers. Some couples find an “off label” solution of misery-loves-company. Joining friends or family in a common activity often clears the air. The goal is to behave in a fashion so that mutual friends and family will not detect disagreement. In contrast to a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset, the positive atmosphere of a shared social group can authentically restore relational health.

The common theme of rapid resolution is a focus on the positive. Resilience through affirmation and appreciation restores equilibrium sooner rather than later, which not only decreases the chances of dissolution but increases relational stability. Couples who learn to gracefully resolve conflict sooner rather than later are more likely to make it not only down the aisle but into the sunset, together.