Strategies to Become a More Desirable Mate

Whether in a relationship or seeking one, and regardless of where in the world you live, a cross-cultural goal is to become a desirable partner. From image to income, clothing to class, health to wealth, men and women showcase their desirability and worth as a prospective paramour in different ways. Research explains.

Source: Karolina Grabowska / Pixabay

Strategies of Desire

Menelaos Apostolou et al. (2024) in a piece entitled “Strategies for Becoming a More Desirable Mate” examined the ways men and women cultivated alluring images in 14 different countries.¹ Within a sample of 7181 participants, they identified a number of strategies used to increase mate appeal. Some of the most frequently used tactics included enhancing one’s looks, showing off abilities and talents, and demonstrating similarity. Less frequently used strategies involved hiding undesirable facts, showing off and exaggerating wealth and abilities, and drastically changing one’s appearance. Apostolou et al. classified the strategies they identified into two main culturally consistent categories: “Develop and demonstrate desirable traits” and “Deceive about undesirable traits.”

Regarding gender differences, Apostolou et al. found that women were more likely to use the strategy of enhancing looks, and men more frequently emphasized their income and social status and were more likely to show off and exaggerate wealth and abilities. These gender-based preferences were generally cross-culturally consistent. Yet, Apostolou et al. found some interesting findings in other areas as well.

The Seduction of Similarity, Social Status, and Salary

Consistent with predictions, Apostolou et al. found that participants across all countries in their sample attempted to demonstrate similarity by attempting to become or appear more similar to prospective mates. Interestingly, however, contrary to prediction, they did not find a strategy to indicate positive traits of character. This is significant considering the amount of time singles searching for prospective partners emphasize that character counts—a point that also resonates within the court of public opinion both personally and professionally.

Apostolou et al. also discovered cultural considerations regarding choice of strategy. The “Increase income and social status” strategy varied the most, ranking at the top of the hierarchy in Asian countries (China, Japan) but at the bottom of the hierarchy in Western countries such as the United Kingdom and Austria. They suggest this may be due to the fact that achievement, which is reflected in higher income and social status, has higher mate value in Asian cultures than in Western cultures. They also note this strategy was frequently used in Russia and Ukraine and propose this might reflect the reality that a significant proportion of the population is relatively poor, making a high-income mate particularly desirable.

Regarding showcasing physical attractiveness, Apostolou et al. found a practical exception to the general rule. Although enhancing looks was the most widely used mate appeal strategy in all countries in their sample, China was an exception, where it came in fifth. They suggest this could be because people in China typically cover most of their face with masks due to high pollution, making this strategy less effective.

The bottom line appears to be the strategies used to enhance personal appeal depend on both gender and geography. And let us not forget that some of the best strategies to increase personal allure and attractiveness involve inward traits such as kindness, empathy, and grace, as well as authentic attention and respect.