Should I Stay or Should I Go? Perceiving Partner Ambivalence

Uncertainty about reciprocal affection reminds us of the “He loves me, he loves me not” flower petal demonstration many of us grew up with. But in the real world, relational uncertainty is not a game of chance, but a cause of emotional distress and anxiety. And apparently, at least when partners are considering leaving the relationship, it is subject to change, sometimes on a daily basis. Research explains.

Source: Image by kittycat1111 from Pixabay

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Samantha Joel et al. (2021), in a piece aptly entitled “One Foot out the Door,” investigated how relational ambivalence predicts daily fluctuations in relational commitment.[i] She and her research team built their study upon foundational conflict research, suggesting that partners facing relational decision options are particularly susceptible to changes in attitude. They used a stay/leave ambivalence scale to measure internal conflict regarding the decision of whether to remain in a relationship.

Joel et al. recognize that romantic commitment involves temporal consistency. They distinguish commitment that is persistent over time, through good times and bad, from commitment that fluctuates from day to day, noting that temporal fluctuations negatively impact both the relationship, and the well-being of the individuals involved.

The Adversity of Ambivalence

Joel et al. describe ambivalence as the psychological state of having both positive and negative feelings toward an attitude or object at the same time. They recognize ambivalence as highly aversive and unpleasant, an experience individuals are motivated to avoid.

They found that with relational ambivalence, partners who held both positive and negative feelings about a romantic partner experienced a higher degree of daily fluctuation in commitment and breakup contemplation as partners who felt less ambivalence. For ambivalent individuals, relationship intentions were more strongly tied to daily experiences, rendering them more motivated to stay on days with more relationship positivity, and more motivated to leave on days with relationship negativity. As a practical matter, this daily feeling of uncertainty could lead to a “walking on eggshells” syndrome for the partner who perceives himself or herself as about to be discarded in a breakup.

Joel et al. note that relationship evaluations are often most malleable during a state of relationship transition, such as when a casual relationship is becoming more committed. This transition period is often characterized by higher levels of relational uncertainty and greater sensitivity to negative information. Although they distinguish uncertainty (lack of confidence in feelings) from ambivalence—described as having strong, conflicting feelings, they point out that partners are particularly susceptible to emotional turbulence when they are trying to make a relationship decision.

Relational Quality Requires Commitment

The best relationships involve like-minded mutual feelings of loving engagement and the security of having a permanent partner. Creating a healthy bond of respect and rapport on the front end will avoid the insidious impact of ambivalence and uncertainty. Investment in a slow and steady courtship will lead to a quality, lasting relationship.