Detecting an Unfaithful Partner Who Doesn’t Feel Guilty

I have previously written about spotting red flags of infidelity,[i] whether it “just happens,”[ii] and whether infidelity is satisfying for the straying partner.[iii] One of the most challenging and heartbreaking aspects of relational betrayal is relating to the partner who doesn’t feel guilty. How is that possible? Research explains.

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Seeking Sexual Infidelity

Many partners experience immediate regret when they step outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. Whether due to a situational lapse of judgment or giving into temptation in a setting they should have avoided, such as a bachelor’s party or single’s bar, they wish they had thought things through. But some instances of infidelity are planned and pursued.

Dylan Selterman et al. (2023), in an article entitled “No Remorse,”[iv] studied motivations and post-affair experiences of a sample of mostly married men using Ashley Madison, a now infamous website designed to facilitate infidelity. Their sample was comprised of a mostly married middle-aged adult population, 84%-90% men. Unlike people who “fall into” affairs through compromising situations, Ashley Madison users invested money, time, and energy into pursuing infidelity.

Selterman et al. note their results suggest that contrary to expectations, affair experiences may be counterintuitive and potentially self-contradictory. Cheaters may love their primary partners but also experience significant pleasure in their affairs, with little regret. In fact, they even found that some participants seeking affairs also were actively seeking to improve their primary relationships, such as attending marital counseling. Study participants also expressed feeling good about themselves and their satisfaction with life—both factors which Selterman et al. note would seem to reduce the likelihood of seeking an affair. They also note that the lack of association between relationship quality and having affairs may indicate that cheating may be motivated by factors such as a desire for variety and self-esteem rather than from relational deficits in a marriage or partnership.

Recognizing Infidelity Without Regret or Remorse

Contrary to what many people would expect, straying partners in the research conducted by Selterman et al. experienced low levels of moral regret. As a practical matter, lack of remorse would explain a lack of behaviors associated with regret, which could make it harder to detect infidelity.

In many relationships, cheating partners behave differently, raising suspicions among spouses, close friends, and family. Not all cheating spouses run out to buy a flashy new sports car or start dressing like they are going to a nightclub. Many straying partners, especially with children in the home, appear distracted, moody, or irritable—as they struggle with cognitive dissonance. Because infidelity usually involves feelings of guilt, changes in affect and behavior can be transparent predictors of extra-relational activity. But for a spouse who does not experience remorse or regret, there may be no changes in the daily routine in terms of emotion or mood. An affair is more likely detected by time spent in secret—whether out of the house or in front of the computer screen. Because even without behavior change, secrets breed suspicion.

When an affair is discovered, the lack of remorseful behavior can be heartbreaking for the innocent partner, adding insult to injury. How could they have seen it coming? In many cases, through examining history.

History Repeats Itself

If someone has been unfaithful in the past, prospective paramours are wise to worry he or she will be unfaithful in the future. The research by Selterman et al. demonstrates this can be true even for people who don’t have anything negative to say about past relational partners. If motives for straying are not tied to relational dissatisfaction, it is wise to remain attentive to other red flags such as time spent in the company of relational alternatives, whether in person or online.

The goal is to select a partner who both talks the talk and walks the walk in terms of commitment. This foundation can best be explored through a healthy process of relationship building over time, testing both compatibility and trust. Especially for people getting over a breakup, resisting the temptation to rush into a new relationship affords the opportunity to build a slow and steady alliance of love, faithfulness, and respect.