The Perils of Trying to Be the Perfect Partner

Have you ever felt you are trying too hard to please a partner? Worrying about your looks, your behavior, your emotions, your words, and everything else? Not only is such critical self-evaluation exhausting, research reveals it may also be detrimental to your current relationship, or your chances of landing a new one.

Source: Image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay

The Perils of Perfectionism

You have heard it before—we are our own worst critics. We are disappointed in our looks, our performance on the job, or as a parent. We shake our heads thinking about how we could have handled situations differently. But for all of our self-reproach and criticism, does it really reflect the way our romantic partner views us? In most cases, the answer is no, which should be the end of our concern. Yet when we behave as if the answer is yes, we risk jeopardizing the happiness of our current relationship and diminishing the chances of finding a new one—leaving us alone with our critical thoughts.

Why The Perfect Partner is Single

Mariacarolina Vacca et al. (2022) examined when perfectionism predicts singlehood.[i] The research team began by recognizing the importance of creating and maintaining stable, long-lasting relationships, which are a critical component of personal well-being. Accordingly, they note that single people report a lower quality of mental health compared to their coupled counterparts.

They sought not only to determine whether perfectionism is linked with relationship status, but also which dimension of perfectionism is involved. They adopted the definition of perfectionism as, “the tendency to set excessively high standards for performance combined with overly critical self-evaluations.” They define other-oriented perfectionism as the inclination to impose unrealistically high standards on other people, in combination with a “rigorous” evaluation of the performances of others.

Strict Self-Evaluation Can Sabotage Romance

What about the standards we place on ourselves? Vacca et al. found that perfectionism focused on perceived expectations from a partner was associated with an increased likelihood of being single, which confirmed the close association between “maladaptive perfectionism” and relevant components of romantic relationships. They explain that people with high perfectionistic concerns may be more vulnerable to perceived expectations and choose to maintain distance from potential partners, which inhibits mating goals even for people who desire to be in a relationship. For those already partnered up, Vacca et al. speculate that although more research is needed, people with this proclivity may be more likely to end romantic relationships when they are feeling perfectionistic pressure from partners.

Accepting Imperfection

No one is perfect. Accepting this reality can shift your attention and effort into enhancing the lives of others instead of worrying about your own faults—many of which your partner likely does not notice anyway.

Although professional help is available, you can also use trusted friends and family as sounding boards to ensure your self-critical concerns are grounded in reality. Chances are, many of them are not. Slowly but surely, you can work toward changing your goal from being perfect to being perfectly content—which will benefit both you and your significant other.