How to Deal With a Partner Who Expects Perfection

Many people have been in a relationship they perceived as involving a significant amount of “work"—working to look their best, act their best, or be their best. But even if this perception involved partner-focused goals, such as maintaining the home and having dinner ready on time, in some cases, this type of pressure is generated by self-imposed standards, not partner expectations. Research reveals how recognizing the difference predicts romantic relational success.

Why a “Perfect” Partner Isn’t

No one is perfect. Yet that expectation, whether from ourselves or our partners, can sabotage relational success. Mariacarolina Vacca et al. (2022) examined this issue, studying when perfectionism predicts singlehood.[i] They define perfectionism as “the tendency to set excessively high standards for performance combined with overly critical self-evaluations,” and recognize that people high in perfectionism experience social challenges that hinder the development of stable, supportive relationships, including romantic relationships.

One of the factors they discuss which can predict the quality of romantic relationships is dyadic perfectionism, which they define as a form of perfectionism expressed within romantic relationships, focusing on both members. They note that research has established a negative association between dyadic perfectionism, relationship quality, and, perhaps not surprisingly, romantic satisfaction.

“It's Not You, It’s Me": Expecting Perfection

Anyone wondering how to handle a partner who expects them to be perfect should first consider whether that expectation is actually coming from a partner, or from themselves. Vacca et al. examined this distinction. They defined partner-oriented perfectionism (POP) as the tendency to hold exaggerated expectations of a partner, such as expecting perfect compliance when requested to do something. They distinguish this type of perfectionism from what they term partner-prescribed perfectionism (PPP), which reflects perceived expectations of a partner, such as believing a partner “readily accepts that I can make mistakes too." They recognize a third category of self-oriented perfectionism (SOP), which involves striving for unrealistic self-standards.

Vacca et al. found that among the three perfectionism dimensions they considered, only PPP was linked with the probability of singlehood. They suggest this link may be due to the fact that perfectionists often have personality characteristics that are unattractive to potential partners, including lower levels of agreeableness and higher levels of behavioral rigidity. And although they did not infer causality, they hypothesized that dyadic perfectionism impacts romantic relationship outcomes such as perceived marital satisfaction and relational adjustment, and may impact the decision to be in an intimate relationship to begin with. They also recognize that individuals with high PPP may be inclined to break off romantic relationships when they experience perfectionistic pressure from their partners.

Improving Romance Through Re-Examining Relational Expectations

Apparently, for people who are in a relationship in which they feel the pressure to be perfect, the first question involves attribution. Yet whether self- or partner-imposed, the relational remedy involves a healthy mix of introspection and discussion about expectations. Relationships that involve too much perfectionistic pressure are exhausting and unsustainable. Embracing imperfection, both from yourself and your partner, is a realistic way to enhance relational quality.

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