Why Do Smart Women Marry Their Physical Abusers?

When we think about domestic violence victims we often focus on the fragile. Women who are vulnerable physically, financially, perhaps disadvantaged educationally, lacking life experience or an ability to support themselves. Women who sacrifice their own safety to save their family, usually their children. Then we turn on the news—and see smart, successful, single women standing by their abusers—and then deciding to marry them. How do we explain this?

Marrying an Abuser

One of the biggest supporters of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice after the infamous, caught-on-camera elevator punch was the victim: his then-fiancé Janae, who described him as a good man who made a mistake.[i] The New York Times reported her review of the incident: “People forget we’re human,” she told Matt Lauer of NBC. “Everybody makes mistakes. After this whole situation, you would think we lived in a country full of people who never made a mistake.”

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In the case of Ray Rice, viewers did not consider the elevator knockout punch a “mistake.” Yet what did Janae do after the incident? She married Ray one day after a grand jury indicted him on a charge of third-degree aggravated assault for knocking her unconscious.[ii]

Was Janae Rice’s response to her fiancé’s violence typical? Did she think he was going to change his ways after she married him? Researchers have explored these issues and have some answers.

Why Smart Women Stay

Jaclyn D. Cravens et al. (2015) studied social media postings in connection with the Ray Rice incident, retrieving from the Twitter hashtags ‘‘whyIstayed’’ and ‘‘whyIleft,’’ which generated an enormous amount of public discussion.[iii]

They divided their research regarding why women stay in violent relationships into two categories, internal and external. They note that internal inhibitory factors include beliefs about the current situation that may be logical and accurate or distorted, which could include a feeling of negative self-worth or minimization of the abuse. They note that gender socialization may also play a role, where women perceive their value as tied to their relationships. Consequently, they might view a relationship failure as proof that they are a bad partner.

Cravens et al. also note that sometimes, women simply love their abusers, and believe they can change. In fact, they recognize that many victims actually felt responsible for helping their partner change, viewing themselves as an abusive partner’s “savior,” which is supported by other research suggesting that a desire to change a partner gave victims hope, and influenced their decision to remain in the relationship. As if this were not enough, Cravens et al. recognize that some victims actually view the act of staying with an abusive partner as a demonstration of emotional connection and commitment.

Public Awareness Protects Victims

Unfortunately, there is no evidence that a victim’s attempting to demonstrate love and commitment by marrying an abusive partner will end the abuse. On the contrary, abuse often escalates over time and over the course of a relationship. Raising public awareness of the insidious, often invisible epidemic of domestic violence and its distinctive relational progression can remind potential victims, as well as their friends and family, to be on the lookout for relational red flags. Leaving a potentially abusive relationship sooner rather than later can spare a victim both physical and emotional trauma, and potentially save a life.