How to Use Conversation to Make Friends Not Acquaintances
How both quantity and quality of time spent together sparks true friendships.
Posted May 13, 2018
Think back to your adolescent years. Maybe you remember a best friend. Not a Facebook friend (i.e., acquaintance) whom you validate online through “likes” and “shares,” but friend you spent real time with. Some of you might remember a teenage promise engraved in the classic broken heart necklace, “Friends Forever.” You wore one half; your best friend wore the other. And I'll bet that if any of you over 40 dusted off your high school yearbooks, you would find that some of your classmates scrawled this promise when they signed it.
But are you still friends?
Research demonstrates that even in our fast-paced world, you can create friendships that truly last a lifetime. How? By proactively strategizing your time spent with others, with the goal of making friends as opposed to contacts or acquaintances.
Obligatory Versus Selective Interaction
Some people are employed in jobs that require them to be “on” all day long, involved in continuous interpersonal contact. Whether dealing with customers, making phone calls, or otherwise engaging in social interaction, some people literally interact for a living.
But this is not the key to making friends.
Not only is constant contact exhausting, the pressure to be upbeat, friendly, helpful, and positive all day long is draining. Ironically, it depletes the energy available to make genuine friends. Attending a social gathering or networking event after this type of workday might be the last thing someone with that type of job wants to do — although it is precisely the type of intentional social interaction most likely to yield new friendships.
So if making friends requires more than mere communication, how much time and effort is required? Research indicates that the answer involves both quantity and quality.
The Priceless Gift of Time
In “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” (2018), Jeffrey A. Hall describes the types of encounters that build a friendship.[i]
His study found that hours of time spent together was linked with closer friendships, as was time spent enjoying leisure activities together. Specifically, he found that the chance of making a “casual friend,” as opposed to a mere acquaintance, was greater than 50 percent when people spent approximately 43 hours together within three weeks of meeting. He further found that casual friends evolve into friends at some point between 57 hours after three weeks, and 164 hours over three months.
Hall's research also demonstrated, however, that when it comes to time spent developing friendships, quality is more important than quantity. And when it comes to conversation, topics matter. When it comes to building quality relationships, the duration of conversation is not as important as the content. Meaningful conversation is the key to bonding with others. Hall found that when it comes to developing friendships, sharing daily life through catching up and joking around promotes closeness; small talk does not.
You might reflect upon the logic here. Consider the inane topics that often come up when you are trapped in an elevator with an acquaintance. Discussing the weather or speculating on how many stops you will make before finally reaching the lobby does not facilitate bonding. Nor does mere proximity. Hall found that obligatory time spent together, such as in a classroom or workplace, does not promote closeness. Friendships require an efficient use of time together. Someone who remembers the details of your life and asks questions about your family, your job, your latest vacation, etc., is much more likely on his or her way to becoming someone you consider a friend, as opposed to an acquaintance.
Born to Bond, and to Belong
In previous research[ii], Hall and Davis recognized the Communicate Bond Belong (CBB) Theory, described as an “evolutionary and motivational explanation of human communication's role in the relational functions of social interaction.” The theory recognizes that social interactions expend energy, but theorizes that only some satisfy our needs.
Hall and Davis recognize bonding as essential for survival, attachment, affection, teaching, and learning, as well as predictive of health and well-being. They explain that the CBB theory “proposes that individuals are motivated to engage in communicative behaviors that form and strengthen relationships.”
The key is putting research into practice.
Time as a Priceless Investment
Friendships are built through seeking opportunities for meaningful interaction, rather than shallow banter. With people who are important to you, wisely using time together, even if limited by circumstances or your respective schedules, can turn acquaintances into true friends.
Think of time as both a gift and an investment. We already know, especially as we grow older, that time is one of the sweetest gifts to both present and receive. Use it authentically and intentionally to transform acquaintances into genuine friendships that can truly last forever.
[i]Jeffrey A. Hall, “How many hours does it take to make a friend?” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2018): 1-19. Communication Theory ISSN 1050-3293
[ii]Jeffrey A. Hall and Daniel Cochece Davis, “Proposing the Communicate Bond Belong Theory: Evolutionary Intersections With Episodic Interpersonal Communication Communication Theory,” (2017): 21-47. Communication Theory ISSN 1050-3293.