Your Child Just Told You He's Gay. Now What?

For straight parents, having a child reveal that he is gay can be a jolt. I know it was for me even though I considered myself a liberal in a liberal community. While some may have an easier time accepting the revelation, all parents can take steps to ensure they respond to the news while conveying unconditional love.

When Your Child Comes Out

• Just listen, without interrupting.
• Remain calm and focused on what he/she reveals. Your son/daughter is probably nervous.
• Don't be judgmental; it's a compliment that he/she/they told you.
• Offer a hug and say, "I love you."
• Tell your child how proud you are that she divulged such an important facet of herself.
• You might ask how long he or she has known, and why he feels he is gay, bi, or trans, suggests Jonathan Tobkes, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the co-author of When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need to Know.

After Coming Out

• Find out whom you should tell, if at all. You need permission. After all, it's your child's story.
• Check in with your child periodically to make sure all is well at school. Is there evidence of bullying/cyberbullying such as avoidance of school, or physical fights?
• If your child appears to be depressed (more than teenage moodiness), you might consider a LGBT-friendly therapist. You can find one through the Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists.

How To Save Face After Reacting Badly

• Apologize. You might say, "You know you really took me by surprise. I need time to digest the news."
• "Get your lines right," advises Tobkes. "It is important that you are very mindful of the things you say to your child in the weeks and months following the coming out, as he will be exquisitely sensitive and looking for meaning in your word choice and tone."
• Actions speak louder than words! Take the extra step and show your child that you are interested in being the parent of a gay child. Educate yourself on what it means to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. You can do this easily with the following resources oriented for straight parents:

  PFLAG, or Parents for Lesbians and Gays, which now has a group for transgender youth, and holds nationwide chapters and meetings;

  The American Psychological Association can provide recommendations for books and therapists for consultation;

  The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State.