Self-Esteem
The Behavior Most Likely to Undermine Self-Esteem
Self-sabotage is a potent destroyer and there's no one else to blame for it.
Posted June 23, 2025 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Self-esteem built on social pressure or materialism is often unsustainable.
- Self-sabotage is a potent destroyer of self-esteem as it generates intense feelings of shame and guilt.
- Addiction, mental illness, and repressed anger are among the common triggers of self-sabotage.
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Who doesn't love a healthy dose of self-esteem? It makes life satisfying and rewarding, filling us with positive energy, boosting our confidence, and even improving our relationships.
So why would we undermine our own self-esteem?
The journey of self-esteem
Self-esteem is more complicated than you think. For instance, self-esteem built on social norms or materialism can be fun to have, but is often unsustainable. If you derive self-esteem from the type of car you drive, designer clothes, the size of your home or bank account, if those things are taken away – you guessed it – your self-esteem goes with them.
What’s more, the “compare and despair” culture of media, promoted by dating apps and advertising, often popularizes fragile sources of self-esteem by pushing idealised and unrealistic expectations upon us — a pressure to conform or feel like an outcast. For example, mass-marketed images that dictate beauty standards and glorify shallow pursuits tend to promote self-esteem based on external appearances.
Sustainable self-esteem is more durable and is frequently based on unique individual qualities such as personal integrity, creativity, healthy relationships, or a generous spirit. Even tough times can’t take away sustainable self-esteem because it lives and breathes in our internal lives.
Undermining self-esteem through self-sabotage
Self-sabotage is a self-generated phenomenon, and a potent destroyer of self-esteem. You can’t blame the economy, your loved ones, or your employer for self-sabotage. When you engage in it, you are your own worst enemy. That’s what makes it so devastating: You have no one else to blame.
The road to self-sabotage
History is full of stories of self-sabotage. It’s the stuff of great drama, frequently driven by moral dilemmas or lapses in judgment that result in impulsive or self-destructive choices.
The most common stories of self-sabotage involve heroes who destroy their fortune. Seemingly endless examples appear in the news every day:
- Politicians who ruin their careers by engaging in illegal behaviors.
- Businesspeople who commit tax fraud or mislead investors.
- Loving couples who become warring enemies due to infidelity.
Frequently, the act of self-sabotage doesn’t make logical sense. Why would someone doing so well make such a bad choice? Why destroy something that took so long to build?
Unseen triggers for self-sabotage
Self-sabotage can be triggered in many ways. Among the most common are:
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Mental Illness or Addiction: Mental health and substance abuse issues are among the most common reasons for self-sabotage.
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Greed: An insatiable craving for more, often at any cost, fuels poor choices.
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Vindictiveness: The desire for revenge can drive people to harm themselves while trying to inflict harm on their enemies.
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Pervasive insecurity: A profound lack of self-esteem can drive people to grandiosity and viewing others with contempt.
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Repressed anger: Bottled-up anger or frustration can eventually erupt in destructive impulses.
After the dust settles and the thrill of destructive behavior subsides, self-sabotage gives way to intense feelings of shame, guilt, and self-criticism that pack a significant emotional punch and tend to linger. Because you blame yourself, you can’t escape yourself. As a result, you’re self-esteem plummets and your self-worth hits rock bottom.
From self-sabotaging to self-care
To prevent yourself from engaging in self-sabotage, consider developing the following self-care activities:
- A mindfulness practice, such as meditation, yoga, or any activity that increases your ability to self-soothe and reflect.
- Mutual support groups, such as AA, provide support and community, which target destructive behaviors.
- Psychotherapy or counseling: Spending time getting to know your triggers and considering your behavior is a great way to gain insight and redirect self-sabotaging behaviors into self-nurturing ones.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
