10 Reasons Why Some People Can't Help Enabling

No one sets out to be an enabler. Who would want to encourage negative behaviors in others? Yet, many people in my weekly therapy groups report that they unwittingly fall into unhealthy enabling habits, particularly with loved ones.

Understanding the difference between enabling and supporting is the first step toward developing healthier relationships.

People often confuse support with enabling, but the two couldn't be more dissimilar. In extreme cases, they may mean the difference between life and death. For example, if a friend who struggles with drug addiction asks you for cash, what do you do? Naturally, you care for the person and hate to see them suffer. But if you give them money, you’re likely financing their drug use, which could lead to overdose or injury. On the other hand, saying no to them could damage your relationship.

See the dilemma?

When in doubt, and faced with a decision, consider these two catagories:

• Support encourages growth, maturity, community, and healthy behaviors.
• Enabling encourages dependency, immaturity, stagnation, and self-destructive behaviors.

Any time you decide to stop enabling someone, you enter an emotional battleground—a metaphor for the intense emotional struggle you may experience. After all, the person you’re enabling is likely benefiting from it. Why would they want you to stop? This battle can be exhausting and may require significant emotional resilience.

When you summon up the courage to say no to that person, they may become reactive and retaliatory. They may confront you with threats, rage, shame, or blame. They’ll seek to make you feel guilty or ashamed—anything to instill doubt. They may challenge your logic, question your love, and fall into dark moods—all forms of control to get you to reverse your decision.

Let’s examine 10 common dynamics that can lead to enabling:

1. Substance abuse. Dependency on drugs or alcohol can make loved ones and friends demanding. Hunger drives their abusive or hurtful behavior, floods them with overwhelming anxiety, or plunges them into depression. Seeing them in pain or fearing their fury makes it challenging to maintain boundaries.
2. Misguided parenting. Parents' affection for their children and their wish for them to be happy can lead to spoiling and the permitting of destructive behaviors.
3. Unhealthy relationships. Enabling puts love and friendship to the test. People may fear that saying no to enabling may end or damage the relationship, so it’s easier to say yes and avoid the negative consequences of no.
4. Compulsive behaviors. Someone who compulsively engage in behaviors like shoplifting, exercise, or gaming may become increasingly attached to the behavior. Saying no to them and trying to end your enabling may mean facing their wrath.
5. Low self-esteem. Enablers often have low self-esteem. They lack confidence, yearn for validation, and can be easily manipulated.
6. Health issues. If someone you love has a health issue, you want them to feel better. However, you may agree to wishes that do more harm than good.
7. Employer dynamics. Power dynamics at work are ripe for enabling. For instance, if someone in a position of power asks you to do something you think is wrong or unethical, you may agree out of fear of losing your job.
8. Religious extremism. A charismatic spiritual leader can wield a lot of emotional power and may try to convince you that enabling them will bring you salvation or reward.
9. Financial dependence. If you’re financially dependent on someone, it may feel impossible to challenge their enabling demands because it threatens your welfare.
10. Poor boundaries. People who grow up in families with poor boundaries may have difficulty saying no as adults. To them, maintaining healthy boundaries feels mean or shameful so they may be more likely ro become enablers.

How to break the habit

You're not alone in this journey. You’ll need strong support to break the enabling habit; seek guidance from friends, family, or professionals. Group therapy is an excellent choice, as enabling dynamics emerge in group relationships, and the group leader can effectively address them.

Understanding the unique ways that fear triggers your enabling is the first step to breaking the habit and ditching your denial.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.