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When personal insecurities dominate you, so will unhealthy relationships. The more insecure you feel about yourself, the more you’ll settle for less than you deserve. Three reasons someone may tolerate unhealthy relationships are:
1. Low self-esteem. You rationalize a partner's lackluster behavior because you don’t believe that you deserve better.
2. Fear of loneliness. You harbor fears of abandonment and isolation, so you accept friends’ shoddy conduct.
3. You're a caretaker. You neglect your own needs because caring for others is the only way you feel valued.
The Healthy Relationship Test
Try this simple test. After getting together with someone, take this quick three-question emotionally inventory:
- Do I feel lighter after being with this person?
- Do I feel encouraged?
- Do I feel valued?
If you can answer yes to all three questions, that relationship is a keeper. Of course, even good friends have bad days; it’s OK to give them a pass now and then. But if a relationship consistently leaves you feeling disheartened or bogged down with disappointments, dashed expectations, or score-keeping favors, it's time to move on.
Friends that Grow Together, Stay Together
Only when friends can evolve and grow together will relationships withstand the test of time. A healthy relationship is a constant source of inspiration and a place that you can always turn to for support—someone who will champion you in a heartbeat.
If a relationship often leaves you feeling unappreciated and neglected, ask yourself how you might be enabling that person's treatment of you. Challenge yourself and speak up. You'll learn that saying "no" to unhealthy relationships opens the door to healthier and more rewarding ones.
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Addressing the core issues
Thanks for your article, Sean. I like it. It's useful, practical, easy to put in place. But, I think there may be a fine line between getting away from an unhealthy relationship and into a codependent one. We cannot rely on someone else for what we lack in ourselves. At sometime, the hard work of addressing and disarming the origin of those ill-feelings must, or should, have its place in healing our inner wounds if we are to grow independent. We may have to resolve these issues until we (or God as we understand Him) are the source of feeling light, encouraged, and valued. Perhaps more, such as grateful, blessed, and rich in our souls.
Thanks Dwight!
Great comment! I agree...inner ills, seek salvation in someone else...great stuff. Thanks for taking the input!
Codependence?
Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but aren't codependent relationships also considered unhealthy relationships?
Yes, we should not rely on someone else to compensate for our shortcomings. But I am not sure why you feel that the next step up from "unhealthy" is "codependent."
Maybe it is. Perhaps I am missing something along the path.
Codependent?
Good question, Lance. I always forget if it is a good or bad thing. I look it up and then forget again! So I avoid using it and prefer the term interdependent for healthy relationships.
Enjoy the weekend!
Codependence is not an improvement
You're correct, Lance; a codependent relationship is not a healthy one either.
My point was that moving away from an unhealthy relationship and toward a healthy one, given the criteria of a healthy relationship in this article, didn't necessarily mean someone was properly avoiding a codependent one. It was just switching a negative one to an apparent positive one without addressing the root cause. Just because it feels good, doesn't mean it is good.
Nevertheless, I appreciate Sean pointing out such immediately understandable and usable criteria to recognize a negative, unhealthy relationship.
Make sense?
Inner Wounds
Dwight, you are bringing up an excellent point. Inner ills can be soul wounds that occurred because of things other people or situations have done to us ... even things we have done. We have to release those by forgiving. Forgiveness isnt always easy especially the more serious the offense or transgression or thing that has grieved us. Grief, sorrow, hurts, resentment, anger, jealousy, bitterness, betrayal, loss, harm, are serious things to experience. Releasing/forgiving is not denying the wrong or the pain it caused .... it is the act of letting it go and turning it over to a higher power. Releasing/forgiving is not a feeling ... its a decision. A decision to stop letting the injury or harm or insult (whatever the transgression) continue to have control o er your feelings. Its often a process if the transgression was serious and long term or extreme.
Pastor Derek Prince taught on this from a biblical perspective and it really helped me understand and identify whats blocking me from getting well. Katie Souza provides a really light-hearted teaching on how to clear offenses from your soul and heal the inner wounds they make. Also a biblical perspective ... boy it worked! I really learned a lot and feel 70 lbs lighter .... and happier. Literally it lifted off me in a matter of a few seconds... that fast. It was physically weighing me down ... soul wounds.
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New to relationships
I have been divorced for 7 years and just turned 48 this month. I have met an awesome man who is mature, has a great job and is very caring toward me. I have known him for about 3 weeks and want to know when is it appropriate to tell him that I really like him? He addressed my birthday card "with love, J". I really don't know how to take this, and being the hesitant and new to relationships person that I am, I have been putting off asking him. Advice please!
Hold that thought!
3 weeks is way too early. Keep him guessing. It will only increase his interest in you. People are most interested in another person when that person is attractive to them but, that person appears ambiguous about his/her interest in them. Read https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201606/how-and-why-play-hard-get and https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201101/the-most-powerful-law-attraction
Kelly is right
Kelly is right and the articles she recommended are awesome! Three weeks is too soon for the L word. In fact, I would be concerned about someone who moved that quickly. Slow down and enjoy the ride. Pushing now could do more harm than good.
Cheers-
Playing hard to get?
Playing.... Would you want someone to do this to you?
Well I don't think you should throw all your cards on the table at one time so to speak.
But dating and marriage are not a game. You need to be honest.
You need to be careful at how fast you move.
You keep control by being honest but by getting him to answer your questions first. If he seems like he's not willing to answer your question then let him know you're not sure how you feel about it and see if you can get him to answer you then. You need to give him time 2 actually be in difficult situations where you see how he handles things. If you have friends or family members with kids and you want kids there needs to be a point and you're dating that you do things with kids so you can see whether he is comfortable with them and whether he is interested in children at all.
Men are very good at hiding their feelings especially when they can hide behind doing nice things to make you feel wanted or apreciated.
You need to understand how he views equality in the relationship. Does he believe he has to make all the decisions or that he Reserves the right to withhold information about his business or his finances how he spends his time when he's not with you. These are important things to know. Playing hard-to-get is a game that is a false way to proceed in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you holding back a little bit on you feelings or opinions and most certainly holding back on sexual intimacy when you really don't know anything about him. Gain respect by respecting his opinions enough to ask about them. Gain respect respecting him sexual purity and emotional balance. Don't control him. Let him be free to express opinions that you don't agree with. You need to know this information, just as he does. so you don't make a mistake and get into a commitment based on enticing behavior and premature sexual intimacy.
I heard a man say a very interesting the truthful thing. When we date we put our best foot forward because we're interested in that person's attention. But after getting married we don't feel we need to take that much effort. And pretty soon the relationship is in trouble. Person feels like they can let their guard down and she thinks about themselves the other person didn't now have the opportunity to decide whether to accept it before the marriage. This Is dishonest when you think about it. You should spend your dating time not talking about your feelings get wrapped up in your feelings. You should talk truthfully about your beliefs, likes and dislikes goals and desires. There are plenty of women regret the day they met a man who once treated them with kindness and respect.
Keeping men guessing is a manipulative game. If he loses interest in an honest person tjen he wasn't one for you. If he expects mind games you will never be happy with him. he will move on to a person who plays games and they will have problems in their relationship, even if it doesn't show on the outside to the public.
Getting yourself trapped in games will get old an you won't be able to just be yourself. And he won't love the real you because he loves the person playing the game. And you will end up feeling empty... This leaves a lot of women into into anguish and depression & self-defeat.
Think back about how you dated and how your marriage went the last time. Did you spend your time trying to impress each other and then find the marriage failed because one or both of you lost interest. Worst and there was a constant conflict because you disagreed about how to live life.
Playing hard to get?
Playing.... Would you want someone to do this to you?
Well I don't think you should throw all your cards on the table at one time so to speak.
But dating and marriage are not a game. You need to be honest.
You need to be careful at how fast you move.
You keep control by being honest but by getting him to answer your questions first. If he seems like he's not willing to answer your question then let him know you're not sure how you feel about it and see if you can get him to answer you then. You need to give him time 2 actually be in difficult situations where you see how he handles things. If you have friends or family members with kids and you want kids there needs to be a point and you're dating that you do things with kids so you can see whether he is comfortable with them and whether he is interested in children at all.
Men are very good at hiding their feelings especially when they can hide behind doing nice things to make you feel wanted or apreciated.
You need to understand how he views equality in the relationship. Does he believe he has to make all the decisions or that he Reserves the right to withhold information about his business or his finances how he spends his time when he's not with you. These are important things to know. Playing hard-to-get is a game that is a false way to proceed in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you holding back a little bit on you feelings or opinions and most certainly holding back on sexual intimacy when you really don't know anything about him. Gain respect by respecting his opinions enough to ask about them. Gain respect respecting him sexual purity and emotional balance. Don't control him. Let him be free to express opinions that you don't agree with. You need to know this information, just as he does. so you don't make a mistake and get into a commitment based on enticing behavior and premature sexual intimacy.
I heard a man say a very interesting the truthful thing. When we date we put our best foot forward because we're interested in that person's attention. But after getting married we don't feel we need to take that much effort. And pretty soon the relationship is in trouble. Person feels like they can let their guard down and she thinks about themselves the other person didn't now have the opportunity to decide whether to accept it before the marriage. This Is dishonest when you think about it. You should spend your dating time not talking about your feelings get wrapped up in your feelings. You should talk truthfully about your beliefs, likes and dislikes goals and desires. There are plenty of women regret the day they met a man who once treated them with kindness and respect.
Keeping men guessing is a manipulative game. If he loses interest in an honest person tjen he wasn't one for you. If he expects mind games you will never be happy with him. he will move on to a person who plays games and they will have problems in their relationship, even if it doesn't show on the outside to the public.
Getting yourself trapped in games will get old an you won't be able to just be yourself. And he won't love the real you because he loves the person playing the game. And you will end up feeling empty... This leaves a lot of women into into anguish and depression & self-defeat.
Think back about how you dated and how your marriage went the last time. Did you spend your time trying to impress each other and then find the marriage failed because one or both of you lost interest. Worst and there was a constant conflict because you disagreed about how to live life.
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Spam
I don't think Marcos was actually complimenting your article or post. It would be nice if there was a way to remove all the spammy posts from the comments.
I feel lonely with all my relationships
Should I really tell everyone I feel neglected? People are busy. I'm afraid I would have no friends if I held my standard that high. What if my friends might have good intentions? For example, if someone is depressed and keeps on bailing on you, I think you would be a good friend if you stuck by them. Thanks!
P.S.
I guess I don't feel unappreciated from all my relationships. Thus, if I feel appreciated, then the relationship is still healthy. What about with family? My relationship with my parents might be unhealthy according to your article, but I can't find new family.
Helpful article and to me doesn't imply codependency
So glad to find this article at this time. Just got out of a relationship that was unhealthy (probably for both of us due to dynamic, but I sense more for me)...I take responsibility for me stil working on not feeling like I am enough and care-taking at times bc I am a nurse and bc in ways I do feel like I have to give and do things for people in order for them to like me...I am 51 and have MDD and anxiety for almost all my life, and this pattern in relationships is one that I have fallen back into and am working really hard to end the pattern in therapy. So with those things owned I really don't feel like this article implies codependency the way I read it...If you are with someone who as a person is not as interested, sort of sucks your energy and gives you very little in action or word to help you feel more encouraged or valued for the things you are and do then it's time to walk away...it's really hard...that's been my experience, though rationally it should not be...
Of course we can not look to others to do our inner work for us or to prop us up. In the same way we can not keep a relationship on life support, that is draining and giving us very little in important ways...I own the ways that I need to heal, but of course would hope a person who I am doing my best and contributing and encouraging, etc...knowing my struggles would be at least sensitive to them and though not taking them on to fix, would make some effort to make me feel loved, safe and be interested in my life and give me back at least some of the care, concern, time and energy that I offer to them...this article was helpful because it not only again reminded me of what I need to work on/am healing in therapy, but also a pretty basic gauge/questions when lost in emotion and hurt to ask myself to seek clarity and help myself to move on from situations that are not benevolent for me and more so not to always say "ok" when people say they are sorry for repeated offenses regarding not offering encouragement, valuing, or appreciating time and energy given. Just say goodbye, continue to work on oneself and do the hard work of letting go. Thanks again so much for this short and powerful article...