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This post was authored by guest writer Kaia Tingley, who is a writer, systems designer, and freelance marketing consultant who constantly ponders ways to make the world a better place. If you'd like to contact her, please reach out on LinkedIn here. You can find more of her writing on Medium here.
“I have to talk to you about your son.” The other Mom from my son’s school approached me with a very serious look on her face, and for a moment I felt a drop in the pit of my stomach.
I didn’t know her, but this lady had been a chaperone on the day's field trip to see a movie at the Zach Scott Theater in downtown Austin. My son rode with her to the event. What on earth had happened that warranted such a dire opening line?
“You’ve raised the sweetest little boy!” she continued, breaking into a huge smile and reaching for my hand.
The pressure in my gut loosened up a little bit. It had been a rough morning, full of miscommunications, missed logistical connections, and lots of me feeling like a general failure as a parent.
I was more than ready for some positive feedback at this point.
Understanding the Subtleties of Consent
She went on to tell me how our kids had been playing together on the zipline in the playground right after the show. Wanting to capture a moment of fun, she had asked my son to push her daughter on the zipline so that she could take a photo.
His response was, “Sure, as long as it’s OK with her.” Then he turned to her and asked, “Is that OK with you?” The little girl readily agreed, and the photo-op proceeded as planned.
No big deal, right?
But this woman was pleasantly shocked at my son’s behavior. She watched him wait to get her little girl’s consent before he touched her to push her along the zip line.
She confessed that while she was all in favor of the idea of consent in theory, she hadn’t connected the dots until she witnessed this small incident. But my son understood that consent meant he had to ask his friend first. Even though Mom had already OK’d the interaction, he understood his friend was the ultimate arbiter on who got to touch her or not.
There were actually tears in her eyes as she held both my hands while telling me this story. I found my own eyes moistening in response to her emotion.
“I have hope for the future of the world right now, because of the way your son treated my daughter. Admittedly it was a subtle behavior, but all the more powerful because of that.”
What’s the Big Deal?
So what was so notable about this tiny exchange? What made me and this other mom get so emotional?
It was that my son chose to treat his friend as the subject of her own choices, rather than the object of his mother’s request. He required her consent.
I was overwhelmingly proud of him.
And when I told him this, he simply replied to me that he was being the change that he wants to see in the world, just like Gandhi. I’m not making this up.
Discipline and Consent Are Intimately Related
The foundation of effective discipline is always respect.
My son, he’s 7 years old, and a big fan of folks like MC Yogi & Matisyahu, courtesy of our Alexa and my own eclectic tastes. I guess you could call this progressive parenting? Or maybe the underlying shift in culture is finally just catching up with the youth of the world. One would hope.
I hope my little boy learns, despite overwhelming cultural evidence otherwise, that ALL people are subjects, and that NO person is an object to be owned, manipulated, or used. I hope he learns that being in charge by domination is no way to really lead.
Consent Is a Concept to Start Teaching Early
We teach by example, not just by our words.
If I had waited to start teaching consent to my son until he was ready to start dating or exhibited an interest in girls—it would have been too late.
If I failed to teach my daughter at a very young age that she has every right to determine what is done to her, and by whom—it would have been too late.
If I failed to teach the importance of consent, both given and received, to both my son and my daughter—they would enter their adulthood at a disadvantage.
We must overcome the 5000+ years of the domestication taught to us—of men as subjects and women as objects. Humans created this dysfunctional idea in the first place. We can uncreate it, but only if we are conscious of the need for a general reboot.
Consent is a concept that everyone should be learning. It is a fact that all people are created equal, and deserve the same chance to develop the dually important senses of personal sovereignty and conscious respect for others.
My husband and I teach consent to my kids by making sure that they fully recognize one another as equals. We also try to follow guidelines for effective discipline that have been known forever in the scientific world.
Discipline is the structure that helps the child fit into the real world happily and effectively. It is the foundation for the development of the child’s own self-discipline. Effective and positive discipline is about teaching and guiding children, not just forcing them to obey. —Pediatrics & Child Health
In a world where our political leadership often trends towards the most negative aspects of childish bickering and tries for domination by force and intimidation, we need to actively teach and model a different example to them.
Teach Them Young, Then Trust in Their Intelligence and Heart
The programming of our expectations starts the moment we are born. Our parents model and exemplify for us the way that we are supposed to act.
Cognitive development actually begins before birth, starting with sounds heard from within the womb and the effect of the chemicals a woman secretes into her baby’s amniotic fluid.
These are either going to be peaceful and loving influences, or they may be stressed out and fear-inducing influences—depending on the psychology and emotions of the mother during her pregnancy.
Once a child is born, the tone of voice, the volume of communication, and the general vibe of the household will uniquely inform each child about the world they have been born into, and in which they will need to learn to survive.
Robin Grille’s amazing book Parenting for a Peaceful World is a wonderful, if harrowing, account of childhood development over the ages. It reaches back to examine child-rearing practices all the way to ancient China and Rome, then works its way up to the present. Disclaimer: Be ready to process some serious emotions as you read through the first third of the book.
If we want to create a world where love and respect are the norms, we need to start now. Our children deserve the kind of emotional support for their development that will help them create the kinds of brains and beings ready to face the enormous challenges of our world today.
The challenge is that we as parents are trying to create the environment that we hope for, but have not yet actually experienced. We are a transitional generation. It’s a difficult challenge, and we will not be perfect. But perhaps we can be better. It’s worth the effort.
