The Science of Forgiveness: How Letting Go Heals You

Forgiveness is often thought of as a spiritual ideal or a moral issue. But it’s more than that.

As I shared on a recent episode of the Mentally Stronger podcast, forgiveness is also an act of self-care that benefits your mental and physical health. But, despite its value, forgiveness remains misunderstood by many people.

Forgiveness and Your Health

Research shows that forgiveness is deeply connected to well-being. When we hold on to grudges, our bodies respond by staying in a state of heightened stress. High cortisol levels, triggered by constant resentment or anger, take a toll on the body. The unresolved pain can lead to high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and even heart disease.

Researchers have also found that when people actively forgive, their cortisol levels drop significantly. After forgiving, individuals experience better health, improved sleep, and a reduced risk of chronic illness.

A study conducted at Luther College revealed that forgiveness was directly associated with lower mortality rates. People who practiced forgiveness tended to live longer, healthier lives because forgiveness reduced strain on the body and mind.

Researchers have proven what philosophers have been saying all along—holding onto a grudge doesn’t hurt the other person. It hurts you. In fact, clinging to your anger might even reduce your lifespan.

Clearly, forgiveness doesn’t have to be a selfless act of kindness that you do for someone else. Instead, it can be a meaningful gift you give yourself.

Common Myths About Forgiveness

Despite the clear benefits of forgiveness, letting go of a grudge is difficult—in part, because of the misconceptions many people have about what forgiveness really means. Here are three of the biggest myths about forgiveness:

• Myth 1: Forgiveness means condoning bad behavior. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse or ignore past behavior. You can forgive someone and move forward while still remembering what they did in the past.
• Myth 2: Forgiveness requires reconciliation. You can set boundaries or even cut someone out of your life while still forgiving them.
• Myth 3: Forgiveness happens instantly. You don’t forgive someone once. It’s often a process that you have to work on repeatedly. In fact, saying, “I forgive you” immediately after being hurt may be insincere if you haven’t worked through your emotions yet. True forgiveness takes work, and it may occur over the process of months or even years.

The Science-Backed Steps to Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t easy, but the skills can be developed with practice. Whether you work on these strategies on your own or you talk to someone you trust, these steps can help you move forward after someone has hurt you.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. It’s easier sometimes to pretend you aren’t hurt or to tell yourself that you aren’t sad. But pushing those emotions down makes it impossible to work through them. Name your feelings. Journal about them. And don’t judge yourself for whatever emotions pop up.
2. Shift the focus to yourself. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt you. It’s about your emotional freedom. Think about how holding onto a grudge affects you. Do your thoughts about the other person occupy a lot of your time? Does it interfere with your sleep? Strain your other relationships? Remind yourself that forgiveness is about setting yourself free.
3. Practice empathy. Understandably, this step may feel the hardest. Practicing empathy involves recognizing that the person who hurt you, despite their actions, is a flawed human being—just like you. You might tell yourself, “I don’t condone what they did, but I understand they acted out of their own flaws or struggles.” This perspective can sometimes soften the sting of anger and make forgiveness feel more attainable.
4. Take action consistently. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time process. Bitterness, anger, and hurt may resurface, especially when you’re reminded of the wrong done to you. During those moments, practicing mindfulness or repeating affirmations can help. For instance, an affirmation like “I choose peace today” can be a reminder that you’re committed to your well-being. If memories of the event still pop into your head regularly, writing in a journal about how far you’ve come can reinforce your decision to keep forgiving.
5. Forgive yourself. Forgiveness isn’t just for other people. It’s important to let go of a grudge you hold against yourself, too. Research shows that self-forgiveness is linked to lower levels of depression and higher rates of self-esteem. Start by acknowledging that you’re human and imperfect like everyone else. Make amends when possible, learn from your mistakes, and remind yourself that punishing yourself endlessly won’t help you to do better in the future.

Start Small

Take forgiveness one small step at a time. You might start by simply acknowledging the lingering hurt. Or maybe you spend a few minutes thinking about how forgiveness might benefit you in the future.

Wherever you are in this process, keep in mind that forgiveness is a gift to yourself. And when you work through your feelings, you improve both your mental and physical health.

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