Research Reveals How Perfectionism Steals Holiday Joy

The beautiful lights, neatly wrapped gifts, and smiling families gathered around the table—these are the images we often associate with the "perfect" holiday season. But behind the scenes, the reality can look much different. For many, the pursuit of holiday perfection brings more stress than joy, creating a mental load that overshadows the genuine meaning of the season.

As a therapist and host of the Mentally Stronger podcast, I see how perfectionism becomes intensified during the holidays every year. The desire to make everything "just right" isn’t inherently bad, but when it leads to stress, anxiety, and strained relationships, it’s worth taking a closer look. Understanding holiday perfectionism is the first step toward letting go of the pressure and finding joy during this time of year.

What Is Holiday Perfectionism?

Holiday perfectionism is the drive to create an idealized version of the holidays—whether it’s curating the perfect decorations, hosting flawless gatherings, or ensuring every tradition is upheld to a tee. This mindset often ties into deeper issues, such as the need for control, fear of judgment, or efforts to mask feelings of inadequacy. Social media doesn’t help, as we’re constantly inundated with images of seemingly perfect holidays, reinforcing unrealistic expectations.

While this time of year brings joy to some, research shows the holidays aren't a happy time for perfectionists. A study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that perfectionists experience more distress and less satisfaction during holidays and other culturally significant events. Instead of feeling fulfilled by accomplishments, perfectionism often leaves people burned out or disappointed when reality doesn’t meet their lofty expectations.

The Psychological Toll of Holiday Perfectionism

The emotional and relational consequences of striving for perfection during the holidays can be significant. While some level of planning and effort can bring joy, going overboard can lead to unhealthy levels of stress, anxiety, and even conflict. Here’s how holiday perfectionism can affect your mental health and relationships:

1. Chronic Stress and Anxiety

Research shows that perfectionism is strongly associated with elevated stress and anxiety levels. During the holidays, this often stems from juggling multiple roles—planner, host, gift-giver, decorator—all while trying to live up to personal or societal expectations. The need for everything to go exactly as planned can make small deviations feel like significant failures.

2. Loss of Joy and Burnout

The holidays can feel meaningful and joyful, but perfectionism can rob you of those feelings. When you’re consumed by checking items off a list or obsessing over details, the simple pleasures of connection and celebration might slip away. Overcommitting to tasks and obligations can also lead to physical burnout, leaving you too exhausted to enjoy the festivities.

3. Tension in Relationships

The pressure to execute a perfect holiday can spill over into relationships. Your partner might feel neglected or criticized if they can't help make the holiday perfect, children may grow stressed from the pressure to behave a certain way, and extended family members might sense tension in the air. The unmet expectations perfectionism creates are fertile ground for disappointment or conflict.

4. Masking Deeper Emotional Struggles

For some, the drive for holiday perfectionism stems from trying to distract themselves from other issues—grief, a sense of loneliness, or low self-esteem. By focusing outward on creating something perfect, internal difficulties like sadness or anxiety might be temporarily ignored but remain unresolved.

Perfectionism Essential Reads

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Breaking Free From Holiday Perfectionism

If you see yourself in this description, know that you are not alone—many people feel the weight of perfectionism during the holidays. The good news is, with practice and intention, you can begin to loosen its grip. Here are some ways to manage holiday perfectionism and focus on what truly matters:

1. Redefine Your Priorities

Rather than trying to make everything perfect, clarify what’s most important to you this season. Is it spending time with loved ones? Sharing gratitude? Passing down meaningful traditions? Use these priorities to guide your decisions and focus your energy where it matters most.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfect doesn’t exist. Remind yourself that imperfection is not a reflection of failure but rather humanity. A burnt pie or mismatched decorations won’t ruin the holidays—they might even create memories you laugh about later. Aim for "good enough," and allow flexibility for plans to adjust to real-life circumstances.

3. Delegate Tasks

One common trait of perfectionists is the need to control every aspect of a situation. Challenge yourself to delegate tasks to others—whether it’s a family member helping with cooking or your partner pitching in for holiday decorating. Sharing responsibility can ease your load and strengthen connections. While they won't do things exactly like you do, remind yourself that's OK.

4. Take Breaks for Self-Care

Don’t forget to take care of your emotional and physical well-being despite the holiday hustle and bustle. Prioritize small moments of self-care, such as sipping your morning coffee before the rush or taking a peaceful walk outside. Research shows that even brief practices like mindfulness meditation can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation,

5. Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Resist the urge to measure yourself against the curated images of others' perfect holidays on social media. And don't compare your holidays to those in the movies. Remember that those images often don’t reflect reality. Shift your focus away from comparison and toward gratitude for what you have in your life.

6. Reflect on Your Why

If you find yourself overextending or micromanaging, pause and ask yourself why you’re doing it. Are these efforts rooted in joy or fear? Are you trying to create meaningful experiences, or are you worried about how others will perceive you? Honest self-reflection can be a helpful way to recalibrate your mindset.

A Celebration of Presence Over Perfection

At its core, the holiday season isn’t about the perfectly wrapped gifts, the dazzling decorations, or the postcard-worthy family gatherings. It’s about connection, gratitude, and being present for the moments that truly matter. By letting go of the need for perfection, you create space for authenticity and joy—not just for yourself, but for the people you love as well.

This year, try to give yourself the gift of grace. Celebrate the small victories, laugh at the inevitable mishaps, and focus on enjoying the moment. After all, the best holiday memories won't involve perfect details. No one will remember if your Christmas tree looked perfect or if your holiday lights were on point. But they will remember how they felt when you spent time with them.