9 Reasons Communication Can Go Wrong in Your Relationship
2. Rehearsing your answer instead of listening.
Posted March 28, 2016
Communication problems are often at the heart of the issues that lead people to my therapy office. Whether it's a parent struggling to "get through" to a teenager, or a couple that feels like they're falling out of love, an inability to communicate effectively causes tension, anger, and serious relationship problems. In my 14 years as a therapist, no one has ever entered my office claiming to be a bad listener. But the truth is, most people's listening skills could use a little sharpening.
Messages: The Communication Skills Book by Matthew McKay is often used as a therapy tool to aid clients in having more meaningful conversations. The book identifies a variety of communication skills and tools, including the importance of being a good listener.
Here's a summary of some of the bad habits McKay says cause you to be a bad listener:
1. Mind Reading
Mind reading involves making assumptions about what the other person thinks or feels. Instead of asking questions, you draw conclusions about why someone behaves in a certain manner.
Rather than listen to the other person's point of view, you might be tempted to start forming your argument. But rehearsing what you're going to say—and how you're going to say it—makes it impossible to hear the other person's message.
Filtering may involve zoning in on the points that reinforce your argument, or discounting anything you don't want to hear. Filtering out the rest of the message can lead to unnecessary disagreements and hurt feelings.
It's easy for your mind to drift—especially when you're involved in a lengthy conversation. Daydreaming, however, will cause you to miss out on the conversation.
Passing judgment—such as when you label someone a jerk—keeps you from listening with an open mind. You won't be able to understand how the other person sees the world when you've already drawn your conclusions.
Jumping in to offer a solution prevents you from gathering more information. Showing that you understand what the other person is saying is often more important than the advice you have to offer.
You can't listen when you're invested in debating. Interrupting, arguing, and disputing everything someone says doesn't add value to a conversation.
Saying things like, "Yes, you're right," without putting in an effort to understand, comes across as uncaring. And minimizing the seriousness of the situation will likely cause the other person to feel dismissed, rather than appreciated.
Changing the subject—whether to bring to the focus back to the things you want to discuss, or because you don't want to tackle a tough topic—won't do you any favors. While it sometimes works in the short-term, deflection creates bigger problems over time.
Sharpen Your Skills
Just because you're silent doesn't mean you're listening. Listening shouldn't be a passive activity—it requires active participation. So before you decide someone else is a bad communicator, consider the steps you could take to improve your listening skills. Reflect what you hear, ask questions, and strive to gain clarification and your conversations will become much more meaningful and productive.
Want to know how to give up the bad habits that rob you of mental strength? Pick up a copy of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do.
Interested in learning how to build your mental muscle? Enroll in my online course Mental Strength: Mastering the 3 Core Factors.