Certainly a person can be conflict averse (fear brought on due to separation anxiety and/or past abuse) and NOT be passive-aggressive. And the Japanese - at least - use smiles and polite language when upset or distancing themselves, but does that make the whole culture passive-aggressive? Psychology Today, your editors should not allow such click-bait-esque titles. Certainly you of all magazines should know that people will look at these lists and self-diagnose in ways that may only sometimes be correct. How can this be helpful?

Amy Morin
Passive-Aggression
9 Things Only Passive-Aggressive People Do
They mask their resentment with a smile.
Posted Sep 04, 2015

While an occasional passive-aggressive approach to life's problems isn't unusual, manipulation and indirect communication are a way of life for some people. Passive-aggressive people often go undetected in the office and in their social circles—at least initially—because they disguise their seething hostility with a pleasant demeanor.
Here are nine things, though, that only passive-aggressive people do:
1. Deliberately "Forget" to Do Things
Passive-aggressive people prefer to be viewed as "absentminded" rather than disagreeable. Instead of declining to work on a project, a passive-aggressive co-worker may claim he forgot about the deadline. Or a passive-aggressive friend may say she forgot to make reservations for the restaurant you'd been talking about because she didn't actually want to go.
2. Say Yes When They Have No Intention of Following Through
In an effort to look like people-pleasers, passive-aggressive people rarely say no. They may ignore an invitation altogether only to claim later that they never received it. They often robustly agree to face-to-face invites—even for things they have no desire to do. To escape their obligations, they may then cancel plans at the last minute by feigning an illness or emergency.
3. Engage in Backstabbing Behavior
It's not that passive-aggressive people don't share their opinions—it's that they don't share them in an upfront manner. They're likely to complain to everyone except the person they're complaining about. Their indirect approach hurts relationships and does nothing to solve problems.
4. Are Inefficient on Purpose
Passive-aggressive people are stubborn. When they don't want to do something, they often become as inefficient as possible to avoid getting the job done. Rather than say, "I'm having trouble with this project," a passive-aggressive person may procrastinate on purpose in the hope that someone else will take over.
5. Mask Their Resentment With a Smile
Passive-aggressive people don't express their anger or displeasure in an open manner. Many of them have years of resentment and bitterness built up, often lurking just beneath a phony smile. No matter how much they disagree with what you're saying, they'll work hard to appear as though they fully support your statements.
6. Seek Revenge
Hidden beneath their outwardly agreeable personas is a desire to punish those who have hurt them. Passive-aggressive people often go to great lengths to retaliate against individuals they believe have taken advantage of them. Their plots for revenge are often indirect—an anonymous angry email or a nasty rumor spread through the office are just a couple of the approaches they may take.
7. Exhibit Learned Helplessness
Passive-aggressive people don't believe they have much control over the events in their lives. Rather than take steps to solve problems, they convince themselves, "There's no use trying because I can't do anything about it anyway." This passive approach unnecessarily subjects them to more hardship and, unfortunately, many of their negative predictions turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.
8. Go to Great Lengths to Avoid Confrontation
Even when they're deeply offended, passive-aggressive people avoid direct confrontation. Sometimes, they offer incongruent communication, by saying things like, "That's fine. Whatever!" or "Well, if you don't care about my feelings, then I guess you don't need to do that." They allow others to treat them poorly and refuse to admit their feelings are hurt.
9. Manipulate People
Passive-aggressive people struggle to ask for what they want and resort to manipulative tactics to get their needs met. Instead of asking for help carrying a box, a passive-aggressive person may complain, "I'm probably going to hurt my back carrying that box upstairs all by myself." They don't mind others feeling sorry for them or taking pity on them—as long as it works to get their needs met.
Addressing Passive-Aggressive Behavior
If you're prone to taking a passive-aggressive approach to life, there are steps you can take to become more assertive. When your words are in line with your emotions and your behavior, you'll enjoy a much more authentic life. And if you spot signs of a passive-aggressive co-worker, friend, or family member, be willing to hold that person accountable. Allowing passive-aggressive people to shirk responsibility or avoid confrontation only reinforces their behavior.
Pulling the demographic card
Pulling the demographic card so fast? A description of a behavior is still just that, a description. You are the one generalizing not the author. Nothing was said about the Japanese in the article. But yes, if you are basically putting on a fake self to manipulate someone then you are being passive aggressive and it doesn't matter if it's 1 person doing it or 500. In my opinion I think it also ties in with irrelationship as well.
Fake self...
But we often use fake selves just to be polite, or to avoid confrontation (conflict aversion) rather than to manipulate. I kind of agree with the first poster. I am very conflict averse because the idea of conflict just sounds draining to me. I'm not an argumentative person (and reading this list I'm apparently not passive aggressive either). I would prefer to communicate directly, just without displaying anger or getting too heated up about it. But not everyone's like that, so sometimes it's best to just get out of the way before they start. I think somewhere deep down I believe that if conflict starts it never ends, so I feel exhausted the moment I think about it. For that reason, I tend to smile politely and internally switch off, but not to manipulate the other person into doing something, just to prevent having to get involved with someone who I think is going to be draining. I'm not sure that's passive aggressive, because the aim is for the other person to never get the idea there's anything wrong so they don't get triggered and come bothering me. Passive aggression has the aim of letting the other know there's something wrong through incongruous behaviour.
There is much more to it than
There is much more to it than just avoiding conflict. I know some passive aggressive people. I have them in my family. There is never any conflict with them! They do underhanded things to let you guess what you did wrong. If you guess right and would like to discuss it with them they will never address the problem. They will deny there is one and try to make you look and feel crazy! They like to control the circle of people so that no one really gets along with anyone except them. This way they truly look like the nicest people and everyone around them is mean or sensitive. They also love to practice projection. So when you are alone with this person they might treat bad or make undermining comments. Then in a group they will put on a sad face and say "I don't know why you hate me." This discredits anything you might say about their private behavior.
I have learned the best way to avoid negative feelings from these people is to avoid them as much as possible. If they have hurt you or spoke negatively about you, behind your back of course, and you try to get any form of communication from them as far as why, they will immediately become victims and act as if you are bullying them. You can't win with these people.
How true! I also also know
How true! I also also know several people like this. I agree totally with you. I do not like people like this. They are cowards. And fAke. You don't ever really know them, or where you really stand with them cos they are are deceptive people. I would much much rather be true and be be what you see is what you get, without the soul destroying mind games. Yes, I do sometimes use this approach, but it is only ever with someone argumentative or a bit of a troublemakers or weird. ....yeah, someone I never really want to see ever again or just plain don't like them or respect. I would never be passive passive aggressive with someone I like. Honesty is always the best policy. Better to be up front
Thank you
Amen my friend! I'm in process of divorcing one of these people. I'm tired of being abused for so many years. It's nice to read your comment.
OMG, you have just described my mother!
You have just described my mother, 1000%! It's like you know her! Lol. And unfortunately for me, I live with her. And you're right, you can never win with these types, because you will always be made to seem like the bad guy, they will see to it.
Totally agree
I was thinking precisely the same thing as I read this article Kristin. ONLY passive-aggressive people exhibit learned helplessness? Haha. Yeah okay then. Whatever you say.
So here's some direct, honest, non-passive-aggressive feedback for the author: You should edit the title by removing the word "only" (because it renders your claim categorically false). Or alternatively, if you truly believe these are behaviors that only passive-aggressive people exhibit, then you may want to go back to school for a little longer.
Caution
Be aware that holding the co-worker or senior position narcissistic personality who is passive-aggressive accountable may have long-term career complications. Educating the reader about how to go about holding such a person accountable would be helpful only if it includes specifics.
True comment above
In the workplace, sometimes the best thing to do is just find a new gig. The individual doesn't have much power if the dominant sensibility there embraces people like this and rewards them. There is a lot of black and white thinking out there, and a lot of assumptions, and communication is impossible if someone else is controlling the narrative. Sometimes the only thing to do is work to get out. In intimate abusive relationships or family dynamics, it would be different. But yes, work is a whole other cup of tea.
Well I agree with your comment
ast bowler Hasan Ali on leading the Pakistan attack in the Champions Trophy, and the influence his older brother has had on the way he bowls
This is a very well-written post
This is probably the most useful post on Psychology Today I have read thus far. There are Passive Aggressives in most groups and I agree with the suggestions on how to handle them. I also recommend avoiding Passive Aggressives if at all possible. Do not assign them work projects if the project absolutely has to get done because a Passive Aggressive will say they will do it and then not do it. PAs will leave a manager scrambling at the end and be delighted with themselves that they have disrupted the team..
Passive Aggressives think they are getting over on people and believe others view them as nice sweet people. In reality, most people pick up on passive aggressive behavior very quickly. PAs aren't fooling anyone but themselves, but maybe that is what is most important to them.
This is great and just what I
This is great and just what I've been looking for. Thanks alot!!
Thanks very much for the
Thanks very much for the education article.
This type of people I meet at every job. Thanks for explanation. Good to know! Will use.
Describes my entire work office
I would say this is an accurate description of passive aggressive people. I have been at my office for two years now and this is the exact type of people I work with. Sad. Yes, very much so. Thank you for this article.
Sexism in this blog
"....he forgot about the deadline."
Stop using sexist language semantics. NOT everybody is a he.
huh?
Did you notice the very next sentence contains a "she"? This article must have hit a nerve.
"....he forgot about the
Anonymous wrote:"....he forgot about the deadline."
Stop using sexist language semantics. NOT everybody is a he.
How about: "That stupid cunt forgot the deadline?"
That works.
It makes for very clunky and
It makes for very clunky and unreadable journalism to say "he or she" every time a pronoun is needed. Stoo looking for misogyny where it doesn't exist. It's simply a matter of smooth writing style.
My apologies. That should say
My apologies. That should say "stop looking..."
Fascinating and insightful! I
Fascinating and insightful! I have been married for more than 25 years to a PA man and a MIL that steals from me. It took a few years to figure out that items that mysteriously disappeared from my home after her visits were not coincidences. Understanding my husband has taken longer. He does everything this article states. It has been an exhausting battle to contend with his manipulations. I have had occasional success in keeping him accountable, but honestly, his behavior will never change. I think he is hardwired to be an ass. I therefore, go along in life making my own way, relaxing that my happiness and contentment are on me. I do have one observation...his behavior makes his life miserable. He is a victim of himself...that is sad to see! he has no insight into the fact that he is the creator of his own miseries. It's as if life punishes him.
married to passive person
I'm married to a person for 21 years who is passive and at first I thought that he is only the bad person in our relationship, but as I grew older I learned that it was also how I reacted to things in life influenced how he behaved. I read John Gray's book Women are from Venus and Man are from Mars. It saved my marriage. This was back 5 or more years ago I learned that when men hurt or try to solve their problems they don't like to talk much they tend to go into their "cave" and try to solve their problems. I took that as passive-aggressive but we evolved since then we learned to communicate and I learned to respect his "cave" and ask for my needs in fun way. I apologize for my lengthy comment thank you for reading and expressing your thoughts.
quiet smiley people
Its very simple to attack smiley pleasing people ! Why would anyone think that smiley pleasant peace loving people are manipulative ???? People who don't talk much actually work more and are more productive because they value hard work. Just logically think and time how much a quiet humble person works and a talkative one who constantly spends time just talking produces or how many mistakes a talkative person makes. Before attacking the quiet people just measure this!!!!! and you can see the facts!!!!!!!
Please show us the study and data
Show us all the data, any data, any study that proves quiet smiley people work harder than talkative people. Just because someone isn't talking doesn't mean they are not spend most of their work day messaging with their buddies on their phones.
Yes, I'd like to see those facts!!!!!!!! You won't be able to come up with any because there are none.
smiling people
I think psychologists should gather some data and do an honest study about this. I studied psychology and the person who came up with this "passive-aggressive theory is a male and he was living in a different economic time than people today. Smiling is a natural thing and even babies smile. To say that is aggressive its just so unnatural. Yes one can argue this way or that way and compare and prove but smiling it is not aggressive state or reaction or whatever one wants to call it.
hard working quiet smiley people
I do not have data but its one sure fact of my 21 years of marriage my passive smiley quiet non-complaining husband worked as a tow truck driver waking up 24/7 when the phone rang for 15 years and provided quality service never ONCE complained . Let me tell you I complained for him I cried and expressed my feelings so many times. He hardly says anything, but once he asked me What else would you like me to work? I like helping and picking up cars from an accident scene or open locked car doors etc. He is the most gentlest soul in the world for me.
That's not PA
Quiet and smiley people aren't passive aggressive (some of them are, I assume). I can see where you got that from, but I don't think that's what the article is aiming at. Some people (me included) genuinely do just not want to get involved and would like to live a peaceful life and that's why we're polite, quiet and distant, so we don't have to deal with other people. That's not passive aggression, though. Passive aggression deliberately involves other people in your life.
I think you're missing the point...
It's not necessarily that smiley and quiet people are PA, but I think the article is more so aiming that PA people then hide their true feelings about a situation. They don't necessarily have to be smiley to do that. It's the pretending that's nothing's wrong. It's the fact that their actions and their expressed words don't match. So maybe you have a suspicion that something might be wrong, because you as a person are empathizing with the situation, you presume that it wouldn't be unnatural to have hard feelings, but the other person is 'totally okay and understands' and takes it with a smile, when in reality they're feeling butthurt and end up holding a grudge.
The possible roots of PA
I think that such people appear from those who earlier were trying to talk and were left ignored again and again. P. S. Eliminating sexism -> "(s)he".
The possible roots of PA 2
...Or they were rudely suppressed as well. Like "stop showing anger, otherwise I'll punish you", "it's shame to complain", "nobody will love such a grumpy boy/girl", and so on...
Possible roots of pa
I have to disagree with you. Having looked at this disorder in detail because my older sister has passive aggressive personality disorder, growing up with her was difficult. I was quiet and polite to everyone growing up. I was almost a doormat for other people.
The reason is because my older sister learned very young how to manipulate people. She NEEDED to be the one everyone loves most. I remember this being her personality since she was as young as 8. She bullied everyone in the house. When she didn't get what she wanted she threw tantrums and at times would become physically violent with my mother or me. She always screamed out the words I hate you when things didn't go her way. We didn't have much money, there were four children. She always felt like she should have more. She was embarrassed of her siblings and hated our parents for not having enough money to get her everything she wanted. Because of her nasty tantrums, they usually found a way to get her things just to shut her up. I remember once my family went to visit others that were about an hours drive. At 13 she insisted she needs to stay home because homework was difficult for her with all the people in the home. We came home on Saturday night instead of Sunday to find her drinking margaritas with friends. Instead of apologizing she stormed into her room and began to tear it apart all the while screaming hatred comments to our mother. She was quite terrifying to live with.
However, outside the home she was precious. We have an uncle who always adored her. She would be the only one he would take for ice cream and stuff. When she got back she would tell me he was a pervert and a pedophile. That way, if he wanted to be nice to me I would decline and give him dirty looks. She played us well. Now that I'm older I have learned that while they were having ice cream she was crying about how mean I am to her. So you see? I thought he was pervert because she said so. He thought I was mean because I gave him dirty looks. She enjoyed every minute of her manipulation. She made herself more important than anyone else.
To this day she still treats our mother poorly. Our father died and she has stolen every item of his from his family by manipulating. She destroys others reputations to get what she wants. Nobody knows how much she hated her father. She wouldn't speak to him the last 10 years of his life unless she needed something from him. After he passed she convinced the world she adored him endlessly. She has a very nice smile and her quietness gives the appearance that she is a good listener. She is always nice. When everyone is looking. ALWAYS.
My point, she spent a lot of time telling me when we were growing up that nobody loves me. I'm stupid. Nobody cares what I say. Everything I say makes me look stupid. Everyone loves her more. On and on and on. And if someone did show me more attention she got jealous. I hated attention. It usually meant I would be physically, mentally or emotionally attacked by her later.
As an adult, she doesn't do these types of things anymore. She does stuff like send pictures of my father's belongings that she has stolen from me if I make her mad. And from my story you can see, it doesn't need to be anything real. Just her own jealousy that sets her off.
very questionable article!
very questionable article! Just read the simple definition of passivity in the Wikipedia: "Deference (also called submission or passivity) is the condition of submitting to the espoused, legitimate influence of one's superior or superiors.[1] Deference implies a yielding or submitting to the judgment of a recognized superior out of respect or reverence. Deference has been studied extensively by political scientists, sociologists, and psychologists." passive people are free of judgemental attitude! how can they have
Perhaps you aren't that good with search engines
Jumbo shrimp are anything but jumbo, but that doesn't mean it isn't a category of shrimp. Of course someone who is passive can also be aggressive.
Wikipedia has an in-depth entry on Passive aggressive behavior, give it a look.
"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior
smiling people
You're right I'm not good with search engines and I would like to learn and understand psychology theories. I married my man because he is quiet smiley and because he is not aggressive ! My step father was so so aggressive when I was growing up my husband is gentle and caring. I am an assertive secretary and sometimes I feel jealous about the peaceful passive way of problem solving of my husband. I never felt that he would seek revenge and backstabbing and all the sorts of things this article listed. Should I be afraid ? Should I doubt him?
You are not understanding
I think you are not understanding this article. It is not saying that all passive people are actually aggressive (passive aggresive). It is merely describing a type of person who is aggressive, but masks it with passive-looking behavior. The point of the article is to point out the telltale signs/behaviors of the passive-aggressive. If your husband does not do most these things, then I would not worry.
Sounds like...
Psychopath's. Detailed description of all the intelligent psychopath's in my life.
When talking about other passive aggressive people, I've never seen someone who embodied all of these traits at once
p.a.
I have. My mother -in-law, who I also susect has problems with narcisism and can fly into vicious rages when called out. But she can feel guilt. It's not always that obvious, but she can. So, not a psychopath, but abused as a child and seriously messed up.
I think she is lucky she
I think she is lucky she still has something inside her like hope she is trying t make herself heard, trying to express herself. Many women in her generation has given up hope has no strength to try anymore, not even to show rage. When I meet people like her I just try to point out any small success that she encounters and usually I see their eyes light up with tears at the corner of their eyes.
lucky to hope
To an important extent, you are right. She learned to be passive aggressive to keep from completely losing herself, and she still has some hope. I do try to encourage her when she she does speak out, when she takes control in a healthy manner, etc. She is a smart, savvy lady with a Phd.but sadly seems to think that being a victim is a better way to flex her muscle. You are so right that there is a certain amount of generational affect here.
What I don't put up with is when she terrorizes the kids,(grandkids) sets them up to take the fall for things that she can then punish them for, or thinks she can punish them or blame them for after leading them into situations where they can't react anyother way, and then lies about it to other adults when she thinks we haven't seen what has happened. She only does this to the kids of certain relatives, and she can manage to dupe her daughter into thinking she has been victimized by a five year old. Uhm. No. My sons are her golden Children, but I can't play that game. Those other kids don't deserve that. She does feel guilty, but she Projects her guilt immediately. It's very difficult.
My mom is similar but not nearly as extreme or abusive. She has limits. I can see the generational effects. Still, it is so hard on the children and I have told my husband that the moment she starts that nonsense with our kids (when, not if) she is no longer welcome.
at the end of my rope
been married 23 years first happily it seems he becomes more obsessive cant have friends no social media no family i basically have no life so why bother being here trying to get help i was not suppose to end up this way
Well...
To me, being passive-aggressive would be to say sly, indirect things with the *intent* of someone hearing or reading them. I've vented several times about certain interactions or situations involving room mates just to get it out of my system, and so I don't end up snapping at someone. I always make sure they can never read any of it, because it doesn't reflect any genuine feelings about them. If I don't like someone I'm not fake towards them, but I also dislike unnecessary conflict and tension. I've been accused of being passive-aggressive, but that was never my intent. I just suck at confrontation. I will bring up something nicely, and go about my day. If the person disregards my request repeatedly I then get stern about it. If it continues still then there's not much else I can say, so I just vent about it, because that's better than being kicked out for being the mom of the house. 20-something year olds do not like being parented.
Theres a big difference!
Having passive aggressive traits is WAY different then having a passive aggressive personality disorder.
There are some people I deal with passively because I know there is no other way without it causing an unnecessary conflict. I DO NOT do it passive aggressively. You can feel it within yourself if it happens. You are angry about having to be so passive because there is something that needs to be done or said for resolution. It is human nature to be passive aggressive from time to time. When you feel your hands are tied say in a case where you are dealing with a bad boss.
However, if being passive aggressive is the only way you handle every situation, whether it be a real issue or something they have usually stirred and twisted in their head, which is what they do, until somehow they feel slighted you have moved into a disorder. No direct conflict is allowed. Ever. When it does happen, usually an unknowing victim of the persons disorder, does try to address a problem stirred up by the mind of the passive aggressive, they end up feeling like they are the ones who have done something wrong. The end game for the passive aggressive is to have their target apologize for hurting them. They won't tell you what you did wrong though because most of the times you did nothing wrong.
Passive aggressive people don't really like people. They pretend they do in order to manipulate every person and every situation around them. They come off as truly charming and genuinely nice people.
They come off as helpless or emotionally weak. There's a reason for this. I have someone in my family who does a lot of smiling and does very nice things for people. She wants everyone to know how nice she is. But she does a lot of manipulating, backstabbing, gossiping, etc. The trick for them is to only do this one on one. Never bad mouth someone in a crowd. This way, when someone calls them on it, they can deny it and turn the tables on the one person who they spoke with. They will even turn to the person and ask with puppy dog eyes "why would you say that? I never did/said those things? Why are you trying to cause a problem?"
Don't worry though, the passive aggressive will be cooking them dinner or babysitting for them by the end of the week to pay them back for taking the fall.
Ugh. I have had way to much experience with these types. Not my kind of people.
Their best allies are the narcissist I have found. These are the people who help them "react" without them actually having to be involved.
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Thank you!! I thought I was going crazy
For the last 3 years, I seriously thought I was going crazy. This, and all the research I've done the past 6 months, absolutely confirms to me that I've been married to a passive-aggressive man for the past 18 years. I've been so busy with raising kids and trying to keep us afloat financially, (because of his constant job-hopping) that now they're older or on their own in the past 3 years, I've been able to look up, look back over the past 18 years and realize what's been happening. What a relief to finally know what I'm dealing with! This and the research I've done describes him and his mother to a "T". Needless to say, I'm working on my exit plan.
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Trump is me
Certainly you of all magazines should know that people will look at these lists and self-diagnose in ways that may only sometimes be correct. How can this be helpful?
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