Three Surprising Tips for True Kindness

Many people misinterpret the nature of true kindness. As a result, it’s easy to overextend ourselves—and we can’t truly give to others when our own cup is empty. Understanding the science of kindness ensures that every cup—that of ours and others—overflows.

Kindness is a prosocial behavior rooted in empathy and care. Acts of kindness—whether offering a helping hand, volunteering, or simply listening—release serotonin and oxytocin into our brains and make us feel better as well as connected.

Kindness isn’t just about helping us feel better emotionally; it’s good for our bodies, too. Research has shown that kindness improves people’s health. A team of researchers followed 313 women for 30 years and found that 53 percent of those who did not volunteer had experienced a major illness compared to 39 percent who did volunteer. In another study from the University of California at Berkeley, 2,025 residents aged 55+ were surveyed: Those who volunteered for two or more organizations experienced a 63 percent lower likelihood of dying. While these benefits are often associated with helping others, they’re equally applicable to how we treat ourselves.

Self-Kindness: The Foundation for Being Kind to Others

Research increasingly shows that compassion toward yourself is essential to being kind toward others. Dr. Kristin Neff, who researches self-compassion, highlights how self-kindness fosters resilience and emotional well-being. When we treat ourselves with the same compassion and understanding that we’d offer a friend, we reduce symptoms of anxiety and strengthen our capacity to bounce back from challenges. Self-kindness isn’t indulgent—it’s actually necessary.

Practicing self-compassion also regulates emotions and mitigates self-critical thoughts. Research from the University of Exeter and Oxford shows that self-kindness practices, such as mindfulness, enhance emotional regulation and calm the heart rate, making it easier to approach others with genuine care. By recharging our emotional reserves, we ensure that kindness toward others is sustainable, not draining.

How do we do that? The science of kindness suggests that setting boundaries, communicating our needs assertively, and protecting ourselves from exploitation create a strong foundation for true kindness to others.

1. Kindness Means Setting Boundaries

One of the most misunderstood aspects of kindness is the necessity of setting boundaries. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish; it’s essential for our emotional health. Boundaries allow us to prioritize our needs, preventing burnout and resentment.

For example, according to one study with over 400 parent and teen pairs, parent burnout can prevent parents from understanding their child’s feelings and the reasons behind them, making it harder to connect emotionally with their child. This lack of connection can then lead to children being less likely to show kindness toward others. By setting boundaries, parents can reduce burnout while modeling self-compassion—all of which can inspire children to show more kindness and empathy toward others.

These findings highlight how personal exhaustion, whether or not you have children, can affect the ability to connect with others (partners, friends, or family). Therefore, setting boundaries allows us to prevent burnout and connect more kindly to ourselves and one another.

2. Assertively Communicating Needs Is an Act of Kindness

Assertiveness, often mistaken for aggression, may seem pushy or aggressive, but it is a powerful form of kindness. It ensures that our needs are met while maintaining respect for others. A commitment to open, honest, and effective communication reduces misunderstandings, fostering healthier connections.

The key is expressing your needs with compassion and even humor. For example, in one study, couples who started with less negative emotions—like disgust, defensiveness, and anger and more positive like affection, validation, and humor—in the first three minutes of communication were more likely to remain married. When an ongoing problem is presented with compassion, as a concern—as opposed to a criticism where the other person is causing the issue—people respond better. This form of communication, far from being selfish, strengthens the foundation of mutual respect in all types of relationships.

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Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication model also emphasizes balancing empathy with authenticity, creating dialogue that builds understanding. As an example, the Freedom Project incorporates nonviolent communication in prison. In a study with over 1,300 people in prison who were trained in nonviolent communication and mindfulness, training helped reduce reoffending (recidivism). Furthermore, those trained were also more likely to recognize and articulate their own feelings, take responsibility for them, and express empathy—significantly improving their self-compassion. This increase in self-compassion, in turn, made them more capable of showing kindness and empathy toward others, fostering healthier relationships and reducing conflict.

3. True Kindness Protects You from Exploitation

There’s a fine line between kindness and enabling others to take advantage of our kindness. Chronic people-pleasing often leads to burnout, undermining one’s ability to be authentically kind. According to psychologist Debbie Sorenson, people-pleasers are at greater risk of experiencing burnout making it difficult to access their genuine empathy toward others.

Assertive kindness—standing up for fairness while remaining respectful—ensures that relationships remain equitable. Addressing unfair treatment kindly but firmly sets a standard for respect, benefiting all parties in the long run.

Practical Steps for Being Kind to Yourself

To cultivate kindness in your life, start with self-compassion by honoring the wounded parts of yourself and learning to accept them. Evidence-based practices, like a loving-kindness meditation, help us cultivate unconditional feelings of love, kindness, and acceptance. Importantly, loving-kindness meditation starts with directing kindness to yourself first. Through this practice, you acknowledge and speak lovingly toward each part of yourself and then to others: all these can help you identify your limits and set boundaries; say “not right now” when necessary, and communicate your needs assertively with compassion and kindness.

True kindness is about creating a culture of acceptance and compassion that starts with you. Treating yourself with the same care and respect you extend to others creates a foundation for sustained kindness, both inward and outward. When we embrace this type of kindness, we model healthier relationships and contribute to a more compassionate world.

The next time you think about being kind, start with yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup, but a full one can nourish everyone around you.