How to Explore Your Sexual Boundaries With Your Partner
Bring some life into the bedroom by exploring new possibilities.
Posted Mar 23, 2015
Does it feel like your sexual relationship is in a rut? Does sex feel boring and stale?
Humans are creatures of habit, and we can fall into routines with sex quite easily. A lot of the newly married or about-to-be-married couples I see in my sex therapy practice express fear that their sex lives have become predictable so quickly. It’s frustrating to realize that you’re repeating the same behaviors in the same order, over and over again!
One of the best ways to prevent boredom and breathe new life into the bedroom is to explore your sexual boundaries together. Most couples don’t explicitly communicate their boundaries with each other, so a lot of couples don’t actually know where they stand on the behaviors and fantasies they feel comfortable experimenting with. Discussing your boundaries can give you new ideas to try in the bedroom, and it can also help you develop better communication skills, deeper trust, and greater intimacy.
Below you’ll find a list of possible sexual behaviors. It’s not an exhaustive list; just a place to start. You may have already done plenty of the items on the list, or you may not have tried any of them!
Make two copies, and give one to your partner (or have your partner look at this post). Sit in separate rooms and note which acts that you’d be comfortable trying. Or you can rate them as green (“I would definitely try this”), yellow (“I might try this”), or red (“I would definitely not try this”).
Then come back together and go through each item, discussing your reactions to it. Keep an open mind, and don’t judge your partner for having different answers than your own. Some of the items might open up very interesting conversations between the two of you.
Watch porn together
Read erotic fiction together
Kiss a member of your same sex (if you’re straight), or of the opposite sex (if you’re gay)
Have sex in a public place
Or in a semi-public place, where no one can actually see you
Use a vibrator in front of your partner
Have your partner use a vibrator on you
Stimulate your partner’s anus with your fingers
Have your anus stimulated with fingers
Have anal sex
Have a threesome with someone of the same sex
Have a threesome with someone of the opposite sex
Have an orgy
Watch an orgy
Talk dirty with your partner
Perform oral sex
Receive oral sex
Allow your partner to dominate you
Dominate your partner
Spank your partner
Receive a spanking
Record yourself having sex
Have phone sex
Masturbate in front of your partner
Watch your partner masturbate
Visit a strip club
Perform a strip tease for your partner
Use restraints on your partner
Have your partner use restraints on you
Use a blindfold on your partner
Have your partner use a blindfold on you
Incorporate food into a sexual encounter
Wear provocative lingerie
Wear a costume during sex
Use a strap-on
Have your partner use a strap-on
Have sex with the lights on
Role-play a fantasy
Have sex outside of your bedroom
Come on your partner
Allow your partner to come on you
Once you’ve found some ideas that you’re both interested in, talk about how you might be able to incorporate them into your sex life. For the ones that you’re most interested in, tell your partner that you’ll take the lead with preparation (for example, you could buy the toy or book the hotel). Have your partner take the lead for the ideas he or she is most interested in. Or you can write your favorite ideas down on pieces of paper, then fold up the papers and put them in a jar. Pick one at random, and agree that you’ll do it that night.
Have fun exploring!