Jamie Turndorf Ph.D.
We Can Work It Out
Ten Tips for a Sizzling Sex Life
How to resurrect a sex life that's down in the dumps!
Posted Oct 09, 2012
Are you on the verge of despair over your sagging sex life?
Even if your sex life is more like a wet blanket, don't give up hope! Read on to discover my appetite-whetting recipe for romance. And fasten your seatbelts (and unfasten your chastity belts) because my ten tips are guaranteed to resurrect the sexual dead!
Before I show you how to rouse the sleeping giant, I want to take a moment to talk about what may be getting your sex life down. Obviously we can’t fix a flagging sex life if the flagpole is broken. And if your flag is flying at half-mast because of physical, emotional or relational problems, not even the best sex techniques will enable you to raise that flag!
Consider the following analogy. Millions of people consume nutritional supplements, and they don’t receive the expected benefits. Why? For one thing, if you have a toxic bowel, or a clogged up liver or kidneys, then you are throwing nutrients into a garbage heap. The same is true for your sex life. If you have underlying emotional, physical or relational issues going on, you’re never going to be able to clean up your sex act.
So let’s talk about some of the non-sexual things that may be getting your sex life down.
Let’s start with how the physical front can put sex on the back burner. Illnesses such as chronic infections, heavy metal poisoning, diabetes, hormone imbalances, including low testosterone, estrogen dominance, prostate enlargement, low thyroid, clogged arteries (atherosclerosis) and medications such as antidepressants, statins, and blood pressure drugs all zap your sex drive.
Beyond actual medical conditions, simple stress and spreading yourself too thin is a major passion deflator. This is because the stress chemicals produced by the adrenal glands are incompatible with sexual arousal. The more tired and overstressed the adrenals get, the less able they are to handle stress, which creates a major vicious cycle.
If stress is getting you down, try yoga (legs up the wall posture is restorative of the adrenals), meditation and exercise; but don’t overdo your workouts because overexertion stresses the adrenals even more. Also deep breathe, (in through the nose to the count of four, rest for two, and out the mouth for 20-30 counts).
Make sure to also watch your thoughts. Stressful thoughts lead to intense emotions, which also beat up the adrenals. As you watch your thoughts, you may be surprised to discover that you are your very own boogieman, scripting scary movies in your own head and plotlines filled with all the dreadful things that are coming down the pike. I call this futurizing, which refers to the common habit of leaving the now and projecting oneself into the future. All fear is fed by the “what if” scenarios the mind creates about hypothetical events that could happen down the line. When you catch yourself leaving present, gently bring yourself back, which will help take stress off your adrenals.
Your diet can also fatigue your adrenals and make you even less able to handle stress. White sugar, white flour, white rice and potatoes are all hard on the adrenals, as is caffeine.
To further support the adrenals, you may want to include certain targeted nutrients, such as lipsomalized vitamin C, which, when taken orally, is far superior as it is delivered through the small intestines. A 100 mg dose of liposomalized oral vitamin C can therefore be many times more effective than when the vitamin is taken in capsule or tablet form, even though both are taken orally.
You might also try adapatagenic herbs, such as licorice (only use deglycyrrhizinated, or DGL, licorice if you have high blood pressure), ashawanda, ginseng, maca and pro-hormones such as DHEA and pregnenolone. A company called Integrative Therapeutics makes a product called Cortisol Manager, which has been proven in clinical trials to normalize the production of cortisol, which is the main stress hormone produced by the adrenals.
What else may be getting your sex life down? A strict religious upbringing and/or negative messages about sex, as well as fear of pregnancy, a bad sexual experience or even dyspareunia (painful intercourse caused from various physical and emotional issues) may also be shutting down your sexual starter.
Last, but not least, we must consider the link between relationship status and a slumping sex life. In my latest book Make Up Don’t Break Up: Dr. Love's Five-Step Plan for Reconciling with Your Ex, I discuss what I call Relationship Essential Nutrients and how these nutrients must be in your relationship’s daily diet if you want your relationship (and your sex life) to thrive. The simple truth is this: if your relationship is getting you down, you ain’t going to be getting down!
Men’s essential nutrients can be boiled down to what I call the two As. Admiration and Appreciation.
Men are raised to make things happen, to act and produce. When a man loves a woman, he is wired to move heaven and earth to make her happy.
In turn, a man needs to feel that his woman values what he DOES for her. In short, men need to be "A"dmired and "A"ppreciated for their strength, power, achievements, as well as their efforts to protect and provide for their women and their offspring. These are the two "A"s.
Most relationships go sour for men because women nag and complain about what their man is NOT doing right. To have a happy relationship or marriage, the savvy woman knows that she must directly state what she wants and what pleases her rather than complain after the fact over what she didn't get. Because when a woman falls into the Three Scrooges trap (nagging, whining and complaining) in no time, a guy feels useless as a man, which causes him to give up on his partner, stop trying to please her in and out of the bedroom, and go looking for a woman who does value him (by the way, research shows that when men are asked why they cheated, it’s rarely because they were feeling starved for sex!). Just so you know, since couples tend to shower each other with praise during the honeymoon phase, it is easy for a man to get seduced by the rewards of another woman who makes him feel unconditionally admired and appreciated. And, when a man gets adequate admiration and appreciation from his partner, he doesn't need to go looking elsewhere for it.
What are the Relationship Essential Nutrients for women? What exactly do women need to be happy in relationships?
While men are wired to be protectors and providers, a woman is biologically programmed to find a mate who will provide and protect her and her offspring. Yes, it's that simple for a woman.
Don't be fooled; even if a woman earns a good living and doesn't need a man to take care of her financially, her biological programming doesn't know this. In fact, according to research, even wealthy women choose life partners who are even more financially successful than they are. Women have a biologically programmed need to feel safe, protected and secure. This need is fueled by a primitive, biologically based, survival of the species imperative to choose men who will never abandon them and their offspring.
The need to be sure that a man will never abandon her and her offspring explains why a woman requires frequent reassurances in words and actions of her man's devotion. I call this Emotional Providing. A woman needs to feel that she is first in her man's world, that he listens to her, takes her feelings to heart and shows her in words and deeds that he values her above all others, all of which provide a deep feeling of security that he'll never leave.
I fully detail these Relationship Essential Nutrients in Make Up Don’t Break Up. I encourage you to read this book if you want to fertilize your relationship and create the proper sexual soil.
The bottom line is this: for women, when their emotional needs aren’t being met, they don’t get wet. And, for men, when their emotional needs aren’t being met, they are more likely to find someone else to pet. And, by the way, since men don’t have endless sperm supplies, if they are getting sex outside their primary relationship, don't be surprised that their sexual well may run dry or drier at home.
And, last but not least, if you want your sex life to sizzle, you need to handle your anger properly. Because unresolved anger is the number one passion deflator, I encourage you to read my book Kiss Your Fights Goodbye: Dr. Love’s 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Connection, which will show you how to resolve the inevitable conflicts that rupture most relationships and stall your sex life.
Now let’s assume that you have handled (or are handling) the physical, emotional and relational causes of your sexual slump, NOW we can get down to my down and dirty recipe for a sizzling sex life.
There are 10 ingredients in this mix.
One: Love is Blind
When it comes to sex, here is the one case in which you may want to put on those blinders! Sexual pleasure has many dimensions, but the most important sexual organ we have is between our ears—meaning our brain. When one sense is hindered, our other senses -- via the brain -- clamor to compensate. For example, a deaf person has increased sensory awareness -- sight, smell, touch, and vibrations. You don’t have to be deaf or blind to tap into this innate ability of ours and use it to your advantage: Blindfolding your partner increases his/her sensory awareness because he doesn’t know where you are or what you are going to do next. This creates anticipation for better sex -- the tease. Tease your partner mercilessly with sensory objects, such as a feather or your tongue. Start off softly, as this excites nerve endings and makes them far more sensitive. Be careful not to over-stimulate the nerve endings, however, because after a while the neurons stop firing with such intensity and the sensation becomes null and void.
TWO: Give Your Partner a Sex Ed Class
After a while you may think you know how to please your partner in every way, but this is very rarely true. There is always something you haven’t tried, and there is bound to be something one of you always does that could be done differently. If you want to be turned on, leave no sexual stone unturned!
For better sex, have a lesson session in which you don’t think you know it all. Instead, allow yourselves to be at each other's mercy as teacher. Talk about things you haven’t tried, but would like to, then choose one suggestion from each partner, and get down tonight! Don’t lull yourself into thinking that you know what your partner likes, and fall into old habits. Lose this myth and put yourself in the student's chair for a while for better sex you won't regret.
THREE: Get Touchy
Sensual touch and massage is one of the most highly relaxing and sexy things you can do for your partner, which is why I include this in my 10 tips for better sex list. Our bodies are almost without exception tense in some area, if not many areas. This hinders our energy flow -- including sexual energy flow. Imagine a car that has a clogged fuel filter: the fuel (our energy) can’t get to where it needs to go quickly and smoothly, and the car performs inefficiently and ineffectively. Think of a massage as your body’s overhaul, creating much better sex overall!
A relaxing sensual massage can unlock the body, creating some very intense orgasms and much better sex. The ability to relax your partner in this way should be high on your list of skills to master. The difference between a deeply relaxing massage and a sensual massage is in the manner of touch -- you don’t want to relax your partner too deeply because you will put him/her into a dead sleep. Raising the dead is what we’re after here, not the other way around.
The key to better sex in this case is to keep the senses alert, but the body relaxed. This means a firm touch, coupled with some sensory feather-light caresses. Once you've relaxed the major muscles -- shoulders and back -- work your way down to the buttocks. Strokes can then start to wander near but not on the genitals. Focus on the inner arms, armpits, inside of the legs and thighs and ear lobes. Don’t forget hands and feet -- there are thousands of nerve endings in our hands and feet that are very sensitive to touch. If you have no idea what a good massage feels like or how to perform one, spend some time in "lesson time" with your partner and learn what you both like or just run your hands all over each other’s bodies -- all over. Don’t rush to put the hot spots on the front burner or you’ll ruin the recipe.
FOUR: Dress for Success
Pretending to be something you're not comes easily to some people, and it can have benefits when done for fun. Stepping out of the role of being "yourself" can be a fun way to give each other permission to behave differently for better sex. Playing the role of someone else during sexual play is a very enjoyable way to give your partner some different sensations, and try things that you haven’t done before. Role playing is a great way to have better sex and to have fun with your partner in a light-hearted but sexy way. It is often the woman who does the dressing up simply because A) They enjoy it; and B) They have the resources of clothes, underwear and makeup – but, guys, don't forget that you can play too.
FIVE: Take a Trip to Fantasy Island
Talking about your fantasies with your partner is a very conducive form of sex play. It increases communication with your partner, which is of great importance. The more you know each other, the better the sex. Yes, you may be surprised by what comes out of your mouths. So keep it light at first and don’t throw each other into the deep end with fantasies about people you both know or reveal fetishes you aren't sure about. Sit back with a glass of wine and keep your clothes on -- for now. Fantasy play can also be incorporated into a game for better sex. Use your imagination, and keep it sexy. Take it in turns and see where it leads you.
SIX: Lay Your Cards on the Table
Get a pack of cards and play strip poker for better sex. It may seem like something you would have done when you were in high school (given the opportunity), but adult strip poker is a good way to get naked. Once you are both naked (or nearly naked), you can start on the really fun part--the winner gets to choose what action will be performed on him/her by the loser. Time limits like one minute on said action means that it is a prolonged game of seduction, which by the end will have you both clamoring to be both the winner and the loser. There are many other games you can play "strip" to, as long as there is a regular winner and loser to reward and punish respectively. The great part about these games is that you can both ask the other person to do something in a certain way that you may not necessarily have ever done before. It can get rather racy, and definitely lead to better sex in the end.
SEVEN: Talk Dirty
I actually object to the term talking dirty, since there’s nothing dirty about sex. But, since everyone knows what this means, I have to bow to the convention. Talking dirty has turned people on for millennia and will continue to do so because it has something other sex play doesn’t: words. Because our brains are our largest sexual apparatus, we respond to the spoken word automatically -- especially when someone says our name. The spoken word evokes emotions and sensations, as well as blood flow to various regions, depending on the topic.
This works very much in your favor when it comes to talking dirty to your lover because women are especially susceptible to what goes in their ears (and I don’t mean cotton buds or ear candles). Talking dirty is truly an art form. But brush up on your skills because bad technique will make you giggle rather than moan!
For better sex, start off easy with neutral topics such as how it feels to be inside her or have him inside you, how much you are enjoying the act and what you would like to do to each other next. Don’t get too carried away, but let the words flow out of you. Dirty talk can be a bit daunting at first, if you are not used to verbalizing these things, so practice. You will see how your partner responds to you. Dirty talk also comes under the "encouragement" category -- when your partner sees that you like something very much, he/she will be more interested in doing it more. The rawness of the sexual passion aroused with dirty talk is why it is so effective. A word to the wise, be careful with swearing too much -- though a good dose of foul language is part and parcel with dirty talk, too much swearing/name calling can be a turn off. Try to stick to positive words, and leave the commonly used insult words out. Guys, watch what you call her body parts too, making sure she can handle it before launching into your tirade of filth. Chances are, the passion from you will ignite hers two-fold.
EIGHT: Try a New Position
You probably already know how to bring your partner to orgasm in two ways. You repeat these regularly because they work -- there's no harm in that. However, if you never, ever try any new positions again, how will you ever know if you’re missing an even better angle? Guys, new positions need a reasonably high level of arousal in your lover, so choose your time to strike a new pose when she is quite obviously feeling very randy.
There is no limit to the number of ways to have sex, so you can use your imagination and come up with as many weird and wonderful inventions as you desire. Simply changing locations can dramatically change the position. For example, on top of the washing machine, on a bench, beanbag or table.
NINE: Give Her a Ring
By give her a ring, I’m not referring to jewelry—although that can definitely get the juices flowing! In this context, I’m talking about cock rings, which slow the drainage of blood from the penis, enabling a man to maintain a harder erection for longer. A very hard penis stimulates a woman’s vagina better than one that is getting soft around the edges. Cock rings are inexpensive and usually nice to look at, and make an interesting male sex toy to add to the collection. Cock rings ensure that a man can maintain the pace without faltering for better sex. This is very pleasing to your partner.
TEN: Take Your Show on the Road
Sex in a new locale is definitely up there in exciting things to do for better sex. You can take a drive somewhere secluded where you can get a bit risqué. Try a public place (not too public) or simply move to a different room or area in your home -- or even someone else’s home. Choose locales that tickle your fancy. There are a million and one different places to have sex other than your home and in your bed. So use them.
Believe me. The time and energy required to plan your adventures will not only pay off immediately, but will also continue to bear fruit for the long term. Remember, your sexpertise is in your own hands.
So stop beating around the bush—if you’ll pardon the pun! Use my recipe for a sizzling sex life and you’ll both be hot tamales by tomorrow!
Avaiable NOW on Amazon, Dr. Turndorf's new book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye: Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship.