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Do you have a parent who is, or parents who are, getting up there in years? What are you doing about their health, their care, their finances? What are you supposed to be doing? To find answers to these questions, I went to my local library. I had hoped that experts, people with hands-on experience, and well, any ole' do-gooders could tell me how to proceed with my own aging mother. The books themselves were reassuring in general, but in my specific case, the "How To" and "What's Next" advice was not particularly helpful. Although I learned a bit from each book, no book garnered my unfettered attention. The problems and solutions explained in these books weren't specific enough to help me with my parent.
Perhaps, step-by-step specifics are less helpful in meeting the your parents' needs than are global principles about helping others. Here are a few general pointers that are based on empirical research. These are not necessarily particular only to elderly caring giving, but instead are broadly applicable to solving problems of everyday life.
1. Social Support: Everyone needs it! "Dad had been strong all his life." "Mom is a loner." However you describe your parent, he or she needs social support. A comprehensive research review conducted by Uchino, Cacioppo, and Kiecolt-Glaser (1996, Psychological Bulletin) suggests that people who have higher levels of social support have better cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune functioning. Moreover, much psychological research suggests that those who have greater social support are better off psychologically. One study, conducted by Ownsworth, Henderson, and Chambers, (2010, Psycho-Oncology) showed that caregivers who reported higher social support reported more positive psychological well-being. It seems clear that we may need to slow down and ensure that our parents receive the social support they need. In whatever way you can, provide your parent social support, do so. But you cannot do everything; do what you are particularly suited toward. If you are good at finances provide this type of "instrumental support." If you are good at listening, provide this type of "emotional support." Just as important, recognize your own need for social support; gather it wherever you can-from your partner, your own children, friends, co-workers. Garnering social support from others will strengthen you and your ability to provide support for your parent.
2. Perception: Everyone has one! And, it is common that each of us has a slightly, if not wildly, different view of a single situation. If your brother says, "Dad has a memory problem," but you do not share his perception, he is not necessarily delusional. Rather, the two of you literally see things differently. That we perceive the exact same situation in different ways is well supported by research. For example, one study (Houtjes, van Meijel, Deeg, & Beekman, Journal of Affective Disorders) showed that patients, caregivers, and medical staff differed significantly in their perceptions of the needs of patients, and this was particularly true when patients were depressed. In most situations, more than one person, including you, will be caring for your elderly parent. Even if those involved are from the same immediate family, it is likely that the perceptions of the elderly person's behavior and needs will differ-and sometimes significantly. What to do? Be open-minded and try your best to literally see the situation from the other's point of view. And, if you still don't see what the other person sees, respect the point of view. Finally, if the perceptions of you and your family members diverge significantly, it may be necessary to obtain an expert's (perhaps more objective) opinion regarding your parent's health, care, and finances.
Cooperation: Everyone benefits from it! You know what is best for Mom! - maybe you feel it would be much easier for you to "jump in and get things done." In the long run, however, it is unlikely you will be able to "do it all." Even if you haven't talked to your sister in 10 years, as your parent's health begins to falter, it is the time to rebuild that relationship. Research suggests that sibling collaboration is important for the adequate care of elderly patients. Based on their focus group study of caregiving siblings, Ingersoll-Dayton and her colleagues conclude, "As their parents age, adult siblings must find ways in which to jointly assist in their [parents'] care" (Journal of Gerontological Social Work). You might need to "slow down" in your efforts and find a way to cooperate with anyone who is prepared to help. Many adult children may be able make important decisions on their own, but if your parent has several of adult children (as is often the case with baby boomers), then each of you can use your individual strengths toward a cooperative effort toward caring for your parents.
Learning: Everyone has the capacity to learn! Dad is set in his ways; he cannot change. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Right? A variety of recent studies reveal little differences in the capacity of older and younger learners. For example, Tsvetanov and Kourtzi (Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience) showed that older observers were just as flexible in their learning of categories that were important for decision-making, and Bennett and colleagues (Neurobiology of Aging) showed that healthy older adults were equivalent to younger adults in their capacity to learn frequent and less-frequent sequences. It is almost certain that your parents have learned a lot since they were raising children, and they have the capacity to learn a lot more. Leave your past perceptions behind and consciously be aware of your parent in the present, for her or his own happiness and well-being.
Here is an easy acronym to remember these research-based principles: SPCL (Social Support, Perception, Cooperation, and Learning).
