The Greatest Block to Your Personal Growth

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Are there people you wish you could be more like? You have goals, such as to speak up more, to stop and breathe when you get angry, or to listen with more curiosity before declaring your opinion. You set these self-improvement goals and then find reasons for not changing now, or you simply forget them.

Your desire to transform is real, but your brain is sabotaging your goals.

Your brain prefers that you go about your days based on how you define yourself from past experience. Your brain likes the security of repetition and certainty, even when you know you can improve.¹

You can create new habits through daily practice if the habits don’t interfere with your self-concept. If the changes you seek require a shift in your identity—how you define yourself—you are likely to rationalize ways to avoid the transformation you desire.

Maja Djikic, author of The Possible Self, said, “Who we believe we are is often the enemy of who we want to become.”²

The convenient, unexamined rationalizations your brain quickly formulates to protect your outdated self-perception allow you to dodge the uncertain process of personal transformation.

Transformation: How to Change Your Self Concept

To experience significant personal growth, you must feel safe enough to explore who you can become before exploring who you think you are today.³ However, you can’t count on your brain to let you imagine all that is possible. Self-reflection will most likely not go beyond the boundaries of the stories holding your perception of reality and identity in place.

If you choose to override your protective brain, examining your identity is best done with someone who can ask you questions and reflect your responses to override your protective brain. Consider working with a coach or another professional who has experience working at the identity level. Regardless of your choice, you need to have the conversation with someone who doesn’t live inside your head.

Identity-Based Coaching

Early in my career, I saw myself as the warrior who could fix everything. I was hired for my experience and knowledge around changing organizational cultures. However, as a small woman in a room of large men, I had to have a powerful voice to be heard and respected. It worked, until it didn’t.

The higher I rose in leadership, the more conflicts I encountered. When reviewing my performance, my boss told me I had earned my seat at the leadership table, but I would lose it if I didn’t quit pushing people so hard. He said, “Instead of forcing people to do what you want, can you inspire them to see what you see?”

Realizing my resistance could keep me from getting what I wanted, I asked a professional I had worked with to explore how I could change my behavior. She helped me define myself based on what I most liked to do with others. I liked sharing pictures of what was possible in the future. I enjoyed engaging everyone to talk about how we could make this happen. I then imagined myself being the inspiring visionary in my leadership meetings.

I had forgotten this part of me. I set my intention to share inspiring visions instead of wielding a sword to achieve the results of the changes we hoped to make.

Find someone to dialogue with about how to transform your self-concept. Here are some questions to get you started:

1. Pick a current challenge. Consider what it would look like if you could change or create a situation where the challenge was resolved. Take any doubts out of your description. Use your imagination to override your disbelief.
2. Looking at your envisioned desire, describe who you see yourself being in this situation. How are you showing up? When looking at this vision, who are you at your best? How do you think, act, and feel? What values are you honoring? Imagine yourself feeling fulfilled and proud.
3. In your vision, name the role you hold, such as a leader, researcher, team member, or parent. Then add an adjective, such as creative, decisive, purposeful, or wise. Add one more adjective describing how you feel, such as calm, courageous, proud, compassionate, or even “being totally myself.”
4. Now go back to how you define yourself today. Start by naming your role in the situation you are exploring. Add an adjective, such as newest, youngest, most experienced, or most knowledgeable. Then add an adjective that describes how you feel, such as clueless, angry, resigned, excited, or scared.
5. As you compare who you are today with who you can become, what are you willing to start doing to begin your transformation? Are there any imagined shoulds, fears, or real circumstances you believe are holding your current identity intact? Are you afraid of judgment or rejection? What rules are you willing to break, and what beliefs are you willing to release, so you can take steps to try out the new identity you want to live into?
6. What is most important to you and your future that is worth it to you to move forward, even if you are afraid to create a broader self-concept? If you can’t start shifting today, can you determine when beginning to make this shift is possible?

Identity Essential Reads

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The Shadows We Carry

Phoebe Eng, author of Warrior Lessons: An Asian American Woman’s Journey Into Power, said, “Taking risks is the process of peeling back the layers of what you are, to be who you want to be.”⁴ The conversation you have with someone about these questions can be challenging as well as inspiring.