How to Better Handle Embarrassing Moments

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When I was young, I thought being only average would cause more chances of feeling embarrassed when our inadequacies were revealed. I now know that the fear of being seen as inadequate is socially painful for all kids, and often deeply unnerving for children told they are better than others. The fear of not being judged as imperfect or even worse, as an imposter, persists and grows as kids become adults.

Why we get embarrassed

Embarrassment is a common reaction when our flaws are exposed. We all experience embarrassment. Remember when you tripped in the crosswalk and quickly looked around to see if anyone noticed? Or you wore your shirt inside out to gym class, and then you farted when everyone stopped to rest. Moments that reveal your humanity without long-term consequences may make your cheeks burn for a moment, but most people quickly move on.

The moments that affect your identity, whether you are the smart one, the funny one, or the caretaker, are most painful. Your brain motivates you to do everything you can to avoid embarrassing moments.

I explained in the post, "The Reason You Are Needy," your social needs emerge from your identity—your sense of self formed early in life based on what you discovered would help you survive and thrive. You found what might help you be seen and recognized or what would keep you from standing out if that felt unsafe. You learned what you could be good at that made you feel worthwhile. You identified what limits you could push, what brought you joy, and what lines you would or would not cross.

We dearly protect our identity. Your identity includes what you think you need from other people to feel worthy and safe, such as respect, recognition, control, predictability, being liked, and feeling needed. Motivation can be defined as the drive to get your most important social needs met that support your identity. As with most of our strengths, these needs become our greatest weaknesses. Many great innovators, artists, athletes, and leaders are also anxious overachievers, working way too hard to avoid embarrassing moments they label as failures.

When you feel unworthy and unsafe, you may exhibit anger or frustration. Underneath, you feel embarrassed for what you did wrong and worry about the effects when others judge you as inadequate.

The greater the need for social connectivity or approval, the greater the embarrassment.

Minimizing the possibility of experiencing embarrassment stunts your growth

Past rejections and fear of not getting needs met in the future impact the willingness to take risks, learn, and grow. Many challenges presented in my coaching sessions are fueled by the irritation of not getting needs met at work or home or fear they will not be met in a future situation that could offer opportunities.

Ariela Gittlen said in her article, "Why You Should Relish Embarrassment," “I was so anxious about imaginary judgment that I sacrificed the chance to learn.”¹ Learning how to do things better so you don’t falter can be an endless pursuit. It is also an excuse for not learning more about yourself.

Can you accept you are good, even excellent, and not have to be perfect? You don’t need to transform your identity. Instead, open yourself to seeing embarrassment as a master teacher.

Steps you can take to move through embarrassment

Step 1: Maria Popova says in her post, Forgiveness, you must, “…forgive your mother, forgive your father, … forgive yourself, over and over and over.”² Forgive yourself and everyone else who pushed you too hard. They probably wanted the best for you but forgot to honor your humanity as much as your talent.

Remember, feeling embarrassed by a public display that indicates you are not always your best self occurs because of the accomplishments your best self has achieved in your life. Can you be grateful for the gifts you have developed while accepting your slips, trips, and silliness as a part of your authentic self? You may become the perfect role model!

Step 2: Notice when you feel embarrassed, from the awkward moments where you forget to breathe to the times you do something so stupid your brain seizes with blame, your stomach curls up into a ball, and you want to hide in a dark room until tomorrow (or forever).

Grab these painful moments and do your best to say, “thank you” to yourself. Resist jumping in to defend your mishap. If you can, do as the founder and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, Benjamin Zander, said: “When you make a mistake, throw your hands in the air and say, 'How fascinating!'"

If you learn how to laugh it off, you’ve made it. Until then, when you have a chance to think about what happened, ask yourself what will be the lasting consequence of your screw-up. Most times, the consequence is that others will see you as human and easier to be with. If there are worse results, ask yourself what you will now do to move on. Seeing a way forward will ease your pain and strengthen your resolve.

Are you willing to start seeing embarrassing moments as growth opportunities?

Step 3: Work on shortening the time between thrashing yourself and laughing at yourself. In her article, Gittlen also said, “Embarrassment can also be our guide, revealing not just our sore spots but our passions, the gaps that separate who we are from who we want to be.” When you laugh at yourself, who are you being? As Microsoft’s CEO, Satya Nadella, said, “Don’t be a know-it-all, be a learn-it-all.” Life will be more interesting, and fun.