Is Insecurity Sabotaging Your Relationships?

Most people feel insecure about something in their lives. Even if you are an otherwise competent person, situational self-doubt can affect how you connect or disconnect with others. When your brain senses a threat, it will direct you to protect yourself at all costs. This makes it hard for you to support other people whom you judge to be more competent, attractive, or smarter than you.

This post is about dealing with every-day insecurities that we all experience. The behavior that results from even a small breach in confidence can damage your relationships, your effectiveness on the job and as a leader, and future opportunities.

Tension from a lack of confidence could cause you to say harmful things or avoid being with someone altogether. If you are not willing to tell someone what makes you feel uncomfortable or “less than” compared to them, it will be difficult to have an intimate and authentic conversation with them. I once had a friend I hadn’t seen in a year tell me, “I have avoided you because I’m jealous of your success.” I was shocked but glad I finally understood why she had not returned my calls. Then she said, “I’d like to be with you now to remember the good reason we became friends in the first place.” We were able to resume our relationship.

Insecurity can also sabotage your effectiveness if you are trying to be recognized as a leader, formally or informally. A team led by Nathaniel J. Fast of the University of California found that people who felt they could not fulfill their job expectations are likely to avoid or even shut down ideas presented by other employees. If someone’s creative idea could threaten the importance of your ideas or position, you instantly find ways to discount the idea. If someone’s ability to see possibilities could make you look stodgy or unexceptional, you seek to find a way to stifle their voice. You put your energy into shutting down new ideas instead of cultivating the curiosity and innovation needed for long-term success.

Insecurity could hurt your future because you don’t have the courage to take risks until a crisis forces you to take a different path. Your fears could blind you to trends and the ever-evolving big picture. This position can place you in conflict with people who want to talk about how we need to adapt to the shifts in business and life. You will appear stubborn and short-sighted to people who have foresight.

There are many articles and books on how to build your confidence. You will also get good suggestions when you take the Confidence Quiz posted by Kattie Kay and Claire Shipman, authors of The Confidence Code.

It is also important to start and end each day by taking an inventory of what you are good at and what you have done well to shift your focus away from self-doubt to hope.

To keep your insecurities from harming your relationships, consider taking these actions:

1. Catch yourself saying no or but when people give you a new idea. Insecurity can lead you to repel other people’s ideas in protection of your own. If you can’t consider their idea in the moment, say, “I’ll think about it” and set a time to evaluate the true merit of their suggestion. Look for other suggestions on how to open your mind and listen more deeply to others in The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs.
2. Ask people about your impact. Let people know you are committed to improving your relationships. Ask them how they see you as accepting or discouraging you are to others. Graciously accept what they share with you.
3. Focus on other people’s success. Take your mind off judging your flaws by putting your energy into helping others achieve their goals. You might find your strengths in the process.
4. Hold Foresight Conversations. Beverly Kaye and Judy Winkle Giulioni define foresight conversations in their book, Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go. They suggest you hold frequent short conversations about what is changing and what is possible in order to keep your eyes open to the future.
5. Tell your friends what makes you feel vulnerable and deficient. If they laugh at you, they either think more highly of you than you do of yourself or they lack sensitivity. Maybe they feel insecure too? It is better to discover and share the reasons for your feelings than to stuff them, poisoning your relationships.