A Lesson From the Honey Bee

I learned recently that due to the structure of their stingers, honey bees die when they sting a person or animal. When inserted into the skin, the dual blades on the stingers cannot be retracted.

The stinger becomes like an anchored screw designed to stay put. The bee can only disconnect from its victim by bursting open its own abdomen.

When this happens, poisonous fluids flow from the bee’s body into the entry point on the victim’s skin. While this may cause acute pain for a day or two for the victim, the honey bee receives the death penalty as all of its bodily fluids drain out.

Please excuse the graphic imagery. It serves as an apt metaphor for the stinging words spoken between humans. Sometimes we cause acute or lasting harm to others around us, and like the honey bee, we also do damage to ourselves.

The Neurological Power of Words

Our words reflect our thoughts and emotions. Neuroscientific research indicates that negative feelings and thoughts that are unleashed in harsh words toward others or towards oneself (referred to as self-talk) are likely to increase levels of acute stress and long-term anxiety for both the speaker and receiver.

Twentieth-century talking cures developed in psychoanalysis broadened to include many forms of talk therapy that could provide an outlet for suppressed and repressed feelings. It was generally considered beneficial to achieve some level of catharsis, a purging or cleaning out of the emotional pipes by means of talking it out.

The National Institutes of Health reviewed the history of cathartic methods in therapy. These methods, which may include yelling, beating on objects, tearing up objects, etc. have in some eras been deemed “either dangerous, or ineffective, or that their effectiveness is short-lived.” On the other hand, many clinicians continue to strongly support the use of catharsis as essential for bringing relief to clients in psychological distress.

In either case, careless, rash cathartic releases of negative energy outside of the therapy room can be hazardous on both ends of a relationship. Especially when it takes the form of lashing out at others with angry words.

Author Gregg Lavoy points out that people experiencing catharsis may enjoy a momentary release of emotional pain but might then feel worse for a while before they feel better. Catharsis in itself is not a cure. True inner healing through other therapeutic processes usually takes much longer.

Those who hurt others by dumping their verbal and emotional loads upon them may feel justified initially by the need to stop bottling up their emotions. But in the aftermath of a verbal assault on someone, they may experience an onslaught of guilt, shame, and regret that further complicates their healing and damages the relationship.

Like the stinging honey bee, those who incautiously sting with words may feel as though their “guts” have been opened up as an unintended consequence.

Finding a Safe Place for Cathartic Expression

If catharsis can be good and healthy, but risky, how can we discharge strong feelings in ways that don't inflict pain on others or ourselves?

First, we can recognize when we need a safe therapeutic space for a more titrated, controlled processing of emotional content. In that space, with a qualified professional, we can safely express a range of feelings and consider those that need to be released or expressed to another person and how to constructively do so.

We can also purge and even convert negative emotional energy to positive energy through activity, not only words. This could be in the form of:

• Physical exercise and sports
• Sexual Intimacy
• Creative expression
• Playing music or singing
• Time with animals
• Intense social interaction that allows for shouting, jumping, and dancing.

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A key benefit of these options is that they are known to increase levels of oxytocin and dopamine in the bloodstream. These are the body's natural painkillers and can help restore us to a state of relative well-being.

The notion that releasing emotions is healthier than bottling them up is still generally true. Much research and anecdotal evidence supports this. But it is very important to release these emotions in ways that don’t sting others with poison or tear our souls apart.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.