Are You Being Played to Stay in a Narcissistic Relationship?

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Narcissists are instinctive and intuitive. They often play their victims subtly in order to keep them engaged, just enough to keep them in the relationship. The push and pull, the confusion and fear, their mood swings—all seem to be perfectly orchestrated to stay in charge of situations and people.

Narcissists can be emotional abusers. They control others in order to create what's known as "narcissistic supply. This is the attention, admiration, and confirmation of their greatness and importance offered to them by other people. Many narcissists seek this compulsively, and they may have no qualms about the manipulation techniques they apply in order to get it.

The best way to guarantee a continuous supply is by securing the source. When the source is a child of the narcissist, it is programmed from birth that it is their obligation to supply the parent. This is a comfortable position for the narcissist.

The supplier could be a romantic partner. Once the partner is cornered in and hooked, the narcissist will have the certainty that their next fix is just at their fingertips.

Sooner or later—unfortunately often later—the victim of the abuse realizes that something in the relationship is wrong. They come to realize that there is a lot of fear, which forces them to behave according to the wishes of their narcissist.

Why Would Someone Stay in a Relationship Dominated by Fear?

There is one overriding emotion that keeps a victim hanging in there: hope.

As the daughter of a narcissistic mother, I was longing for a relationship with love and respect. My mother dominated my thinking, behaviour, and my endless therapy sessions. And I kept on trying for decades to work something out and create a connection.

I didn’t know then that she was suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. I was made to believe that I was at fault and that if I changed it would be possible to have that healthy relationship I so wished for.

Everything did change when, at age 58, I realized that I was longing for the impossible due to her condition. And when I gave up hope, I was able to cut the cords and move on with my life. Hope and guilt had kept me going for all those years.

When your narcissist is a romantic partner, you may have experienced the "love bombing" stage—that totally over-the-top romantic start of the relationship when you were bombarded with small and big gestures of love. This might include messages about being "soulmates," that they were "waiting for you all my life" or that they "can’t imagine how I could have thought I was happy before I met you." You may have been swept off your feet and couldn’t believe how happy you were.

But that love bombing stage may have been followed by a continuous campaign, focused on diminishing and criticizing you. It may have started with small remarks but then built up to nasty accusations. The happiness disappeared, making a place for fear and walking on eggshells.

But many people stay even after this phase because their partner is playing a specific game. The narcissist is cleverly throwing in regular romantic elements to keep their partner interested—just enough to keep the hope going with glimpses of the romance and happiness they once experienced.

I have worked with many clients who knew with their heads that the relationship with their parent or partner wasn’t beneficial for their happiness and well-being. But the biggest obstacle was overcoming hope and being able to see the reality. Only then could they start their healing process properly.