For Many, Holidays Were Never Picture-Perfect

And, just like that, another holiday season is upon us. As we watch TV, buy gifts for loved ones, and go to holiday celebrations, we are reminded of what the holidays are based on a narrow idealized image of Christmas. For many people, these representations remind us of magical experiences we remember from childhood—and the truth is that in our heart of hearts, we carry those same expectations going forward: the holidays, we tell ourselves, are magical times, celebrated with friends and family.

Everyone's mileage varies

Some lucky people will feel their experience of the holidays lives up to those (often unrealistic) expectations. For many others, though, this fairytale depiction only stirs up pain or resentment for not living up to an ideal that is barely attainable. For many, the chief emotion that will be experienced is not joy, but loneliness.

For LGBTQ folks, finding a meaningful and relevant way to enjoy the holidays and share joy with others poses many challenges. For many of us, it’s a dreaded time: while the rest of the world (it seems) is busy being merry and bright, we are still often ignored, ostracized, and alienated. The special rituals of family and faith are not available to many of us, and loneliness is magnified.

The Hallmark movies don’t help. When will there be greeting cards and movies that speak to a different experience of the winter holidays? That experience is anything but joy-to-the-world wonderful. Annual fights with family end in tears or silence. Boredom sets in when days are spent trying to fit into a place that is no longer a good fit. And disagreements about religious or political differences highlight the realities of the holidays versus the fairytale version.

It’s worth noting that because we live differently from our families of origin, many of us have been able to create holiday celebrations with a chosen family, celebrations that are less pressured and less rigid, with easier routines, more creativity, and supportive of who we are in our day-to-day lives. Embrace this and appreciate that flexibility is a privilege that comes with pain from feeling different from others.

Dealing with family

But for those who still need to make the dutiful annual trek seemingly backwards in time to visit with our relatives, there are a few things that can help you survive this rough couple of months. In fact, not only can you survive this holiday season with minimal pain, you can even create a new model for getting through the holidays that can actually include moments of joy!

Start slow—that seems to be a good idea for any new venture or behavior, but every small step counts. Start by simply making a few tweaks to make this season more tolerable. Establish new boundaries that you can actually use this year, and for years to follow. You can feel good about creating and maintaining these, while your family who may not fully understand, will eventually adapt to even if they don’t fully embrace it.

Be thoughtful about limiting how many days your visit will be. At a certain age, staying for two to three days is actually preferable—if not healthier. You’d be surprised at how many adults still go home to visit their families for a week or 10 days. This isn’t always the best option.

Establish clarity around where you will stay. Sleeping in your childhood bedroom is probably not ideal—your family will have different life rhythm to yours, which can cause more trauma, and if you’re visiting with a same-sex partner, there can be awkwardness all around. An alternative would be to stay with friends or a hotel close by for your own freedom or privacy, and you can spend as much or as little time with your parents and family that you want.

Prepare for peace in advance. How about agreeing to not discuss certain topics likely to result in conflict—politics, religion, unresolved conflicts. This effort can yield amazing results. And joking about your differences can be as toxic as arguing, so agree not to do that as well.

For many people, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by the demands of the season. Resentment and sadness, grief and a sense of brokenness may overtake you. Holidays can be a lonely time where memories of pain and trauma remind you of just how different your experiences were in comparison to those who lived in the picture-perfect holiday.

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So what can I do?

There are several choices you can make on a practical level:

• Consider taking (or making!) a getaway: If staying at home during the holidays is lonely, consider getting away to a neutral place that is less triggering and tailored to what may help you feel more joy.

• Make sure to get outside and exercise and get sunlight: caving in to depression by staying at home with the shades drawn is a way to get through the holidays, but not in a healthy way. When we get out and move, we feel brighter and better. Try it!
• Establish your own rituals: what do you want to eat, how do you want to celebrate or not celebrate, what activities would lend joy and meaning to these moments? Frequently people who establish their own rituals instead of buying into societal expectations enjoy themselves and are able to do so successfully year after year. Identify an activity that reminds you of being a kid and having a happy moment over the holidays. For some , attending a community concert, looking at holiday lights, doing volunteer work, or sending our personalized greetings to loved ones gets them in the spirit, even if they aren’t busy at parties with others.
• Look online for support: If your plans aren’t as social as you would like them to be, take advantage of social media or online support systems to ease the pain.
• Consider seeing a therapist: If you simply can’t find relief or joy, contact a therapist to help you come up with a plan to get through the holidays and to use your strength to help you instead of caving in to maladaptive coping mechanisms.
• Do it your way, not their way. Their way keeps you stuck in an older narrative of you that probably is more painful. Shed the expectations that are external and keep you stuck.
• Be realistic. Change happens slowly—within your family, even within yourself. Be patient.

Although these are not magical solutions, appreciate that there are ways you can establish some pleasant moments over the holidays this year. Remember that establishing new rituals for yourself is a gift that you can unwrap for years to come. Give yourself new sources of peace and joy.