Is Flirting Between Gay and Straight Men Okay?

Like many men of my generation, I learned that any attraction to straight men was to be kept secret. We were lucky to be accepted (even sort of) by heterosexual guys and so we were careful to behave ourselves so as not to offend them. Keeping gestures of affection contained, being careful about eye contact, and minimizing hugs (no kisses, please) was the rule. We have always known the danger of even normal displays of affection, such as alienation, rejection, being shamed. And, hell, the possibility of being beaten up by some closed-minded guy wasn’t out of the question, either. The lesson? Being connected to straight men has always been contingent on keeping everything in close check … well, until recently.

The once-rigid lines of masculinity have softened to allow for much greater variety in appearance and self-expression for all men. The differences between gay and straight men are much harder to discern these days, including in the ways that affection is shown. It simply doesn’t matter so much who is gay and who isn’t (in most quarters), and hanging out with gay men when you are straight is no big deal.

At a recent gay wedding of two millennials, I was stumped by the guest list. Aside from the grooms and me, I didn’t know, nor could I tell after many encounters, who was gay and who was straight. All of the younger guys at this wedding looked, dressed and acted similarly. How refreshing that the old divisions have all but disappeared.

The following week, a funny thing happened that kept me on the subject. Out to dinner one evening, my friends and I all appreciated our waiter’s dashing looks and sincere charm. But of the three of us, only one was not married and thus free to pursue what seemed like some flirtation on the waiter’s part. However, toward the end of the meal, David became shy and didn’t have the guts to offer his phone number. I decided to take on the task of passing his number to the waiter on our way out. Wow, I hadn’t given out a phone number in years. The waiter was appreciative and seemed flattered, but something didn’t feel quite right.

For a millisecond he seemed hesitant, which was surprising because he had definitely been flirtatious; and he wasn’t offended, just awkward. I later learned that this waiter is not gay. Oops! Maybe David understood this without knowing it! Anyway, our young waiter was a smooth, secure and sincere guy who could clearly hold his own, regardless of the company. He could flirt with gay men and not be out of his comfort zone, but he is attracted to women. It made me even more curious.

So, I asked a straight male acquaintance in his early 20s about flirting with gay men. Does he? Would he? “Sure,” he responded, “to get something done I need done!” It makes sense, a shrewd nice-looking younger man uses his charm and doesn’t happen to care if the interaction is with a gay man. “We are just two humans having fun together,” he added. Then I asked him whether a gay man flirting with him would be okay. “Hey, we all like being desired,” he answered. He is right!

And then one more recent experience to ponder. Several gay male friends and I somehow started talking about how gay and straight men interact so differently than they once did (not so long ago). Mike, a very high-end corporate type, shared one of his secrets to success. “I flirt with the men!” he said. I was dumbfounded. This was not a man in his 20s flirting with men in their 20s. He is in his early 60s flirting with straight corporate men his age. Now that is secure, I thought, far from the caution and reserve I described earlier!

“How do you do it?” I wanted to know. “Easy,” he said, “Make him feel special. Find something interesting, appeal to whatever he excels in and he will feel important. Make eye contact and touch him just a little bit.”

He wasn’t worried about appearing to be gay, and neither was my 20-year-old friend. Hmm, how interesting, it isn’t just generational. It is about confidence and security. Those who can look directly into the eyes of another man and not break away will have a foothold in the relationship immediately. Those who are self-conscious and play it safe will be at a disadvantage across the board.

As gay men, we should take some tips from these men who are simply comfortable in their own skin:

• Embrace our connections with all men. There is so much to be gained.
• Maintain eye-contact rather than appearing to hide. The gaze will likely be appreciated and returned. A place to start.
• Reach out without backing away, whether that means to hug someone when it feels right or to hold an arm or pat a shoulder. Touch is safe contact now.
• Show affection … and then notice how comfortably straight guys reciprocate it.
• If the other person is ill-at-ease, be respectful and attuned. But we do not have to assume rejection anymore. It is a new day.

Flirting Essential Reads

How to Win at the Game of Love With Competitive Flirting

How to Get Attention and Create Attraction

The lesson is that everyone can loosen up, especially gay men who, for so long, have had to be careful about letting others really know them. Loosen up! It’s time to enjoy our greater freedom, flexibility, and mutual connection.