Making The Decision to Divorce

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If you are in an unhealthy marriage that has been dysfunctional for years, it may be hard to accept the reality that your marriage and/or your spouse is not going to change. You’ve invested time and energy into this relationship and don’t want to give up now. Maybe you keep thinking that once life settles down, or you get that new job, or the kids are more independent, then things will get better.

The sunk-cost fallacy

The sunk cost fallacy is a concept that refers to staying in a situation because of the time and effort you’ve invested in the past, even when that situation no longer serves you. Often, people remain in unhappy marriages simply because they’ve been together for so long. Many women worry that ending a marriage means the time they invested in it was wasted. But your marriage was not a waste—it served a purpose, even if only for a period of time. Gaining awareness of this fallacy can be empowering. You may come to realize that investing in something that no longer works isn’t worth it. Ultimately, the energy you spent in the past should not dictate decisions about your future.

Both members of a couple need to agree on the problem

In order for things to improve, both members of a couple need to agree on the problem and commit to fixing it. Making meaningful change becomes nearly impossible when only one person is doing the work. There is a significant difference between marriages where both spouses are actively working to improve versus those where only one person (or neither person) is making changes. If you’ve identified what needs to change and your spouse doesn’t agree, or refuses to work on it, you’ll either need to accept the status quo or end your marriage. It’s important to believe people when they tell you, both in words and actions, that they cannot or will not change.

Giving up hope and letting go

In an unhealthy marriage, one of the hardest things to give up is the hope that it will get better. This is especially true if you are an optimistic person, a can-do fixer who is used to solving your own problems. If your marriage has had ups and downs, with some years better than others, it may be even more challenging to give up hope. Whether your spouse is a decent person who simply cannot meet your needs or someone who has been abusive, you may be tempted to linger in your marriage, hoping your spouse will finally change. You’re the only one who can make the very personal decision about how long you’re willing to wait for things to get better. Accepting the reality of your situation and letting go of the hope that your marriage will improve is a painful but important step.

Coming to terms

You may feel extremely stressed and saddened as you come to terms with the level of dysfunction in your marriage and the knowledge that it’s not going to change. It may be hard to admit things have gotten this bad. Wrestling with these emotions can impact you both emotionally and physically. You may have trouble sleeping, or feel shaky or nauseous. Some people feel depressed or anxious at this stage. Your brain may keep cycling through the same thoughts again and again. It may be difficult to concentrate or be fully present.

Being in an unhealthy marriage has likely added additional strain to your life. You may be so used to the tension, conflict, and stress that you no longer realize how much extra weight you are carrying. While being in a familiar and unhealthy relationship is sometimes more comfortable and convenient than the unknown, it’s not necessarily better. There is life after divorce, and you do have the power to become happier and healthier.

This post has been excerpted from my new book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.

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