The Five Phases of Divorce Grief

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Divorce is not only a legal and financial process, but a profoundly emotional one as well. Whether you initiated the divorce or not, you will experience all kinds of emotions during this life transition. Because every marriage, and every divorce, is unique, we can’t predict exactly how and when you will have these feelings. However, after many years in my practice, helping hundreds of women through the emotional journey of divorce, I have developed a five-phase model of divorce grief that will help guide you from the initial feelings of heartbreak all the way to moving on. Not everyone will go through all the phases and the order in which each surfaces will vary from one person to the next. However, knowing that there are phases may help provide a sense of moving along a path towards healing and can provide a general roadmap for the process of recovery.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is the first phase of divorce grief. Whether you initiated the end of your marriage or not, this initial phase includes profound anger and sadness. If your spouse initiated the divorce, you may also experience shock and denial. People often describe feeling as if the rug has been pulled out from under them, a bomb has gone off in the living room, or their foundation has been shaken. If you are initiating the divorce, it is likely you have experienced smaller heartbreaks over the course of your marriage. Each time you were ignored or dismissed, criticized or devalued, a little piece of your heart broke until you made your decision. In addition to emotional pain, many people experience physical symptoms in this phase as well.

Rollercoaster

Rollercoaster marks the middle of the divorce and is often the longest phase. When you ride a rollercoaster, there are lots of ups and downs, a few calmer straightaways, times you will feel out of control, and a sense of relief when the ride ends. In this phase, your feelings will come and go in no predictable order and will often overlap. At times, you may have two seemingly opposite feelings at once.

During this phase, you will undoubtedly experience a whirlwind of emotions and you may even feel so much that you fear you are going crazy. You may feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, regretful, hurt, rejected, ashamed, confused, and relieved. While there isn’t an on/off button for your feelings, you can begin to develop a volume button. Over time, your painful feelings will become less intense, less frequent, and when they do come, they will not last as long.

Mending

In this phase, your emotions become much less intense and less frequent as you mend your heart. Mending represents a shift in focus away from your ex and towards yourself. You may still feel sad, but you will also experience greater relief as you move away from the conflict and tension in your marriage. Your relationships with your ex and your family and friends may get renegotiated during this stage as you seek new connections and create new boundaries. This is also a time for reflection and taking responsibility for your part in your marriage and divorce.

Letting Go

This is the phase in which you accept that your marriage is over. You begin to feel calmer as you move out of a state of limbo and into a life with more certainty. Your story of your marriage will evolve to include greater understanding and shared responsibility. You will have more energy for investing in non-divorce-relate activities. You will experience more peace and no longer feel so activated by your ex. As a new identity emerges, you will find it easier to let go of your identity as a married person and someone who is part of an intact family. You will begin to find forgiveness towards yourself, those close to you, and maybe even your ex. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries will be important in this phase.

Moving On

In some ways, life will return to normal, but not the normal of the past. Your new identity will emerge as you embrace what you need and want in life. As you regain power and control, you may find that you build new interests and new relationships. Many people go from feeling that divorce was the worst thing that could happen to them to believing that it was the best thing. Your divorce will always be part of your history, but it will no longer dominate your daily life. You have survived and are ready to thrive.