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Key points
- Kinks and fetishes such as those portrayed in "Babygirl" are more common than we may be willing to admit.
- Don’t let anyone define what sex is for you. Sex can look any way it needs to—for you.
- Many kinks don’t require touching genitals or experiencing orgasm.
- In the sub-dom relationship, there is an exchange of power in which the submissive is in charge.
Spoiler alerts in this post entry.
I recently saw the movie Babygirl and was impressed both by the movie’s accuracy and its boldness in depicting the dynamics of kinky sex. The writer and director, Halina Reijn, has brought a new level of sexual awareness to the public, widening the scope of what sex is and how it is done. It’s a taboo-busting film that deserves to be seen.
As a therapist, I deal daily with clients’ sexual issues, both couples and individuals, and I can tell you that kinks and fetishes such as those portrayed in Babygirl are far more common in our culture than we are willing to admit publicly. Much of these play out only in silent erotic fantasies, but they are powerful and widespread.
I also can tell you that, because our culture values only normative, cisgender, penetrative, and what some people call “vanilla” sex, there is a great deal of shame surrounding these “unwanted” kinky fantasies and actions. This is why people do not share them with others, and seem rare. They are not.
For readers who haven’t read about or seen the movie, the plot features a high-powered CEO, Romy, played by Nicole Kidman who begins a kinky affair with a much younger male intern, Samuel, played by Harris Dickinson. Samuel quickly recognizes that his boss is into kink and wants to be dominated, much like gay men recognize one another by subtle cues. People have named this talent for recognition, “gaydar.” In the case of Samuel and Romy, I might call it kinkdar.
The film turns some preconceptions on their head. First, a middle-aged woman enters into a relationship with a younger man. We rarely see this portrayed in popular culture although it certainly exists. Second, we usually see men in positions of power and responsibility who seek out subordinate-dominant situations to provide balance in their lives. Third, the dominance-submission sex play in Babygirl is consensual, whereas it is not in the popular Fifty Shades of Grey films. Christian stalks Anastasia, ignores her safe word, gets her drunk to take advantage of her, and tries to control every aspect of her life. This is not consent, it is abuse. In Babygirl, Samuel regularly checks in with her ensuring consent. And fourth it challenges the misconception that penetration is the only “real” sex. For kink and fetish folks, you often don’t need penetration, genital stimulation, or even an orgasm. This blows the minds of most people (no pun intended) who think this is all just foreplay and not real sex.
One other thing: In reality, in the sub-dom relationship there is an exchange of power in which the submissive is usually in charge. In Babygirl there is a great scene in which Samuel brings Rony a glass of milk during a company gathering, subtly signaling her submissive role as “Babygirl.” Rony chugs down the contents of the glass, signaling that she consents and begins to own her power to be who she is.
What is sex?
I have spent decades explaining at my seminars, social media, and private sessions that no one can define what sex is for someone else. For instance, I’ve heard people say after seeing Babygirl that there wasn’t any real sex in the movie. That’s true for people who only recognize the “vanilla” variety, but for those whose eroticism skews to kink and fetish, the actors were having sex—right out in the open. Drinking the glass of milk was sexual between them. The eroticism in kink is about dominance and submission, not necessarily about penetration.
Kink-fetish erotic expression comes in many varieties. To name just a few, there are foot fetishes (touching genitals with the feet or even just looking at and playing with feet); armpit fetishes where someone gets off by watching or smelling armpits; having one’s female partner dress up as a schoolgirl; being blackmailed (in one scene Samuel threatens to out Rony to the rest of the company (and asks her if this turns her on); even small penis humiliation, such as getting the Uber driver to laugh about men with a small penis, all the while it is secretly turning on the person with that fetish. This may not feel or be sexual to you but to those that hold these kinks and fetishes they are a turn-on and nothing typically sexual is happening between them.
Again, many kinks don’t even require touching of the genitals or experiencing orgasm. The sex is mental, the fantasy and power exchange itself.
I contend that all of sex is theater. It is acting out the adult consensual fantasies that turn us on.
The power of sex education
Something in this film that struck me as important is that Rony can accept the expression of this part of herself only when she has reached middle age. It is clear from the very beginning of the film that she has found no sexual satisfaction in her marriage to her husband having what she keeps referring to in the movie as “normal” sex, despite pretending to orgasm during intercourse. She knows exactly what she wants and what she is missing as shown by her turning to erotic porn enjoying her babygirl kink and fetish following a penetrative sexual encounter with her husband. She can't permit herself to enjoy it other than in secrecy.
If people were better educated from a young age about the range of sexual expression that is available, it would go a long way to eliminate the shame that prevents us from exploring the joys that sex can bring us in life. Rony might have been able to do this as a young woman and enjoyed a lifetime of pleasure rather than suppressing her fantasies and faking orgasms. She might have also found a partner with whom she could enjoy this rather than her vanilla partner.
Of course, the information given to youth about sex, especially those outside the “gold standard” of heteronormative activity, is increasingly labeled nowadays as “grooming.” Thinking such fantasies and activities will go away if left unstated is not only ridiculous but potentially harmful. As most therapists know for a fact, the repression of sexual information and or fantasy is never healthy.
What I loved the most is, in the end, this middle-aged powerful woman owns her sexuality. She decides to stay married to her husband and enjoy outercourse and clitoral stimulation while perhaps having her fantasies with her husband whom she loves. She also alludes to the fact that she is keeping her kinky sexual interest by telling a man who tries to blackmail her at the end, “If I want that I will pay for it.” I loved this for her as she was no longer ashamed and embracing her sexual and erotic desire openly taking the power away from the patriarchal misogynist who attempted to coerce her.
The bottom line: Don’t let anyone define what sex is for you. Sex can look any way it needs to—for you.
