When We Sabotage Our Own Happiness

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While it may surprise many of us, some people undermine their happiness by hurting their own successes. On a conscious level, they may not be unaware that they are sabotaging themselves, yet some are aware of their actions and choose to hurt themselves anyway. People who engage in self-sabotage are repeating patterns and habits that were learned and conditioned earlier in life and have become automatic. The same patterns that once served as "functional" for survival, may now be preventing their happiness.

Self-sabotage happens when we consciously or unconsciously hinder certain areas in our lives that negatively impact our emotional, mental, or physical well-being. In conscious self-sabotage, we may stop exercising after having made up our mind to begin a daily exercise routine. We may claim we're too tired to exercise, or we may try to "busy" ourselves into not having enough time in our day. In unconscious self-sabotage, our behavior may be replaying old scripts or early conditioning learned as children. We may try to convince ourselves that there's plenty of time to get a report turned in for work even if we're down to the wire. We may not "see" that waiting until the last minute won't allow us the necessary time or resources to turn in a quality project. Yet, if an unhealthy script is in play, the internal messages will be counterintuitive to successful completion of the report.

Common signs of self-sabotage include the following:

• Perfectionism
• Imposter syndrome
• Narcissistic adaptations
• Procrastination
• Infidelity
• "Discarding" a relationship that shows promise
• Directing energy into distractions
• Limiting engagement in a relationship
• Emotional ("comfort") eating
• Self-medicating

Self-Sabotage in Action

Two areas of our lives with high incidences of self-sabotage are career and personal life. Three of the most common self-sabotaging behaviors are included here.

1. Saying one thing, doing another

When we engage in this pattern, our behavior, our values, and our thoughts are often out of sync. Hypocrisy is a red flag of narcissistic behavior in which projection is used as a defense mechanism to push away feelings of low self-esteem or a shaky sense of self-identity.

In work: Hypocrisy is seen when a boss or manager advises employees not to use their phones during team meetings, but we may see them glancing at their phone or sending a quick text. Or, we may be in the habit of getting up too late in the morning, which makes us repeatedly late for work after priding ourselves on being punctual.

In relationships: We may know someone who has sworn off a particular "type" of partner as being reminiscent of their attachment trauma or who shares similar character flaws, personality traits, or behavior patterns as a toxic person in their life. Yet, we may see them striking up a relationship with everything they swore off. Or, we may find ourselves in the same boat where we repeatedly attract (or are attracted to) partners who are toxic to our well-being and emotional growth after having sworn this pattern off ourselves.

2. Abusive or neglectful childhood

Neglect or rejection in our childhood can impact our self-worth and self-esteem, including developing possible issues with our self-image and identity. A history of trauma or abuse can affect our ability to trust or to be vulnerable and close to those in our lives.

In work: Out of self-preservation or because of not trusting the people they work with, a person may not participate in work-related events, or they may limit their opinions or ideas because of a fear of being judged. As a worst-case scenario, this mindset and pattern can limit promotions or may get a person fired from their job for not being seen as a team player.

In relationships: As psychiatrist and trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk discusses, we may develop a "compulsion to repeat our trauma" in which we may find ourselves reliving core wounds, unprocessed pain, or abandonment fears from one relationship to another, where our partner becomes a stand-in for an abandoning or abusive parent.

3. Fear of failure and fear of success

These are two sides of the same coin and both forms of self-sabotage can limit us from reaching our full potential. Someone who is afraid of success may undermine their achievements or sabotage their chances for promotion or growth, whereas someone who fears failure may stay at a dead-end job they’re overqualified for because it’s “easier” than risking an unsuccessful outcome.

Self-Sabotage Essential Reads

When Does Self-Sufficiency Become Self-Sabotage?

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

In work: These fears can create self-sabotage in which a person may not keep their skills current and risks looking outdated or obsolete in their field. Or, they may be more concerned about what others in the office would say or think if they received a much-deserved promotion, so they sabotage their chances of getting it.

In relationships: This falls in line with unresolved trauma and how we can unconsciously seek out relationships that ultimately lead to failure. We may choose partners who are not emotionally compatible with us or who are not able or willing to fully commit, so we put ourselves in a situation that is doomed to fail. Similarly, we may be scared of a successful relationship and may begin causing problems to sabotage its success.

Recognizing Patterns of Self-Sabotage

Self-awareness is a necessary first step in not only beginning to see the patterns but also in being able to recognize from where they are originating. Many times, to fully understand "how" a pattern of self-sabotage has emerged, we need to examine our earliest lived experiences and their influence on our habits, both positive and negative.