Why Do Narcissists Need Narcissistic Supply From People?

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All humans are born helpless. We depend on our caregivers for everything from soothing us to feeding us to making sure we are safe. If we are not taken care of by other humans, we die.

As we develop during childhood and our teens, we gradually start to take over the functions that our caregivers do for us. Eventually, if we are healthy, we learn how to dress ourselves, tell time, read, learn right from wrong, make friends, and so on. We learn to soothe ourselves through internalizing our experiences of being soothed.

What About Our Self-Image?

Charles Horton Cooley (1864–1929), a noted sociologist, introduced the concept of “The Looking Glass Self.” He theorized that one of the ways we form a sense of who we are is by internalizing the reactions that we believe other people have towards us. Other people act like a mirror in which we can see ourselves (1902).

Heinz Kohut (1913–1981), the brilliant Austrian American psychiatrist who revolutionized the treatment of narcissistic personality disorder, introduced the term “self-object” to describe how humans use other people as extensions of themselves to manage internal and external problems. If we look at children, we can see that they use their caregivers as self-objects (1971, 1977).

Kohut’s work gave birth to modern Self Psychology, one of the two main treatments for NPD. (The other is Object Relations).

Even when children are able to physically take care of themselves, they often still rely on their caregivers to soothe them, tell them everything will be okay, and reassure them that they are competent and lovable.

Kohut believed that our need for self-objects never entirely goes away. He concluded it is quite normal for most of us to continue to use other people to perform certain functions for us. However, if we needed to, we could and would perform them for ourselves.

Unlike the Object Relations approach to diagnosing NPD, which measures a narcissist’s progress in therapy by their attainment of whole object relations (the ability to see oneself and others in a realistic, integrated, and stable nuanced way that is not either all-good or all-bad), Self Psychology looks at the client’s reliance on self-objects and how much clients are capable of doing for themselves (Masterson, 1981). One of Kohut’s measures of whether therapy is helping a client with NPD is to look at whether that client is gradually taking over more functions and relying on self-objects less.

Our use of self-objects matures as we mature. We still could use an occasional hug, some praise, some protection, and some reassurance. However, this is optional and mentally healthy adults will not fall apart without this type of external support.

How Does This Relate to Narcissists?

People with narcissistic personality disorders are like young children with regard to their continued need for eternal validation. Even very high functioning and successful people with NPD still rely on other people to validate them.

If you are a narcissist, you can be the head of a giant company, a famous musician, universally admired as beautiful and talented, and still be quite childlike when it comes to your ability to soothe yourself, feel competent at your job, and manage your emotional ups and downs.

Narcissists still have a “Looking Glass Self.” Or, in Kohut’s terms, they need other people to act as self-objects to keep functioning well.

Note: I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD to describe people who qualify for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

What Is Human Narcissistic Supply?

Very simply, human narcissistic supply consists of people who the narcissist relies on to help manage their self-esteem.

If you are in a relationship with someone with NPD, they will be using you as a self-object and a mirror. There are many different ways narcissists use people to help manage their self-esteem.

Here are the three most common narcissistic subtypes and how they use other people as self-objects to get narcissistic supply. In parentheses are some other common names for this subtype.

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Exhibitionist NPD (Overt)

They directly and fairly obviously seek admiration, attention, and status. They want to be in the spotlight. They also love giving advice and telling long stories that they believe show them in a good light. They devalue, ignore, or are condescending to people they see as below them in the status hierarchy.

Closet NPD (Covert and Vulnerable)

They are afraid of looking foolish or being exposed as a fake. This makes them afraid of the spotlight and directly confronting people. Many do not fit people’s picture of NPD because they appear to lack confidence and seek reassurance and the approval of people above them in whatever status hierarchy they value. They attach themselves to people, religions, clothes, books, and objects that they can brag about.

They are too insecure to directly ask for your admiration. Instead, they seek your admiration for whomever and whatever they are currently using as a self-object. They may tell you that their religion is the best, their mate is the smartest person alive, and you should watch their favorite television show.

Now, anybody might tell you this, but if they are closet narcissists, it really, really matters to them that you agree with their assessments. The average non-narcissistic person who tells you this is just trying to share things that they think you might enjoy or find useful. It does not really matter to them if you take their advice. You can say that you don’t enjoy the music they suggested, and they will not pick a fight with you over it.

Malignant Narcissist (Toxic, Devaluing, Sadistic; Can Be Overt or Covert)

Malignant narcissists get their narcissistic supply from destroying the self-esteem and happiness of other people. If you are their partner, you are the one they are destroying to get narcissistic supply. They feel better and smarter and stronger when they hurt you.

Summary

We all occasionally use other people to perform functions for us—cheer us up, reassure us that our outfit looks good, and applaud our successes. However, narcissists take this to another level. They are almost entirely dependent on the people around them to validate their self-worth.