Why Do Narcissists Need Other People to Validate Them?

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In the past decade, narcissistic personality disorder has gone from being an obscure psychological diagnosis to part of the public discourse. As a result, many people already have a basic familiarity with the term "narcissist" and some of the basic traits and behaviors associated with pathological narcissism.

In this article, I am looking at pathological narcissism and the constant search for narcissistic supplies as simply an exaggerated example of what started out as a normal human need during childhood. However, in the narcissist’s case, the person never outgrew it.

Note: In this article, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD to refer to people who qualify for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

Children Are Born Helpless and Dependent

All humans are born helpless. We depend on our caregivers for everything from soothing us and feeding us to making sure we are safe. If we are not taken care of by other humans, we die.

As we develop during childhood and our teens, we gradually start to take over the functions that our caregivers do for us. Eventually, if we are healthy, we learn how to dress ourselves, tell time, read, learn right from wrong, make friends, and so on. We also learn to soothe ourselves through internalizing our experiences of being soothed.

But How Do We Learn Who We Are?

Here are two theorists whose work can help us understand how we build our sense of identity and why narcissists may end up with a distorted, vulnerable, and easily disrupted sense of self.

Charles Horton Cooley and the Looking Glass Self

Charles Horton Cooley (1864-1929), a noted sociologist, introduced the concept of the “Looking Glass Self.” He theorized that one way we form our view of who we are is by internalizing how other people appear to see us (1902).

In general, the younger and less experienced we are when we get this feedback, the more likely we are to take it in as the whole truth. The problem with this is that many of us had distorted “mirrors.” The people that we looked to for information about us and our place in the world—our parents, family, and culture—are sometimes too biased to see us accurately. This bias can lead to us internalizing an unrealistic view of ourselves.

The issues here are:

1. Our self-esteem may be based on distorted feedback that interferes with us seeing ourselves realistically.
2. This distorted feedback may prevent us from accurately assessing our authentic strengths and moving forward in an appropriate life direction.

Heinz Kohut and Self-Objects

Heinz Kohut (1913–1981), the brilliant Austrian American psychiatrist, introduced the term “self-object” to describe how humans use other people as extensions of themselves. A self-object performs functions for us that we find hard or impossible to do for ourselves (1971).

If we look at children, we can see that they use their caregivers as self-objects. At birth, they are totally dependent on their caregivers to interpret the world for them and keep them safe. Even when children are finally able to take care of themselves, many still rely on their parents to comfort them, tell them “everything will be fine,” and reassure them that they are competent and lovable.

Does Our Need for Self-Objects Ever Totally Go Away?

Kohut believed that our need for self-objects never entirely goes away. However, unless physical or psychological issues prevent it, our use of self-objects matures as we mature. Most of us still want an occasional hug, some praise, protection, and reassurance. However, this is optional, and mentally healthy adults will not fall apart without this type of external support.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

One of the striking features of people who have a narcissistic personality disorder is that they have not outgrown their need for other people to validate their sense of self-worth. In this way, they are still like little children, although they may be extremely competent in other areas of life.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Why the Narcissistic Relationship Crash Is Often Delayed

War as a Psychological State

If you are a narcissist, you can be the head of a giant company, a famous musician, universally admired as beautiful and talented, and still be quite childlike when it comes to your ability to soothe yourself, feel competent at your job, and manage your emotional ups and downs by yourself.

Narcissists still have a “Looking Glass Self.” Or, in Kohut’s terms, they need other people to act as self-objects to keep functioning well.

What Is Human Narcissistic Supply?

Very simply, these are people who the narcissist relies on to help manage their self-esteem by praising them or validating them as special.

What is your role in this?

If you are in a relationship with someone with NPD, they will try to use you as a self-object and a mirror. James F. Masterson (1926-2010), a well-known personality disorder theorist, identified three different subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder. Below is a brief summary of how each of these uses other people as sources of narcissistic supplies to help regulate their shaky self-esteem (1981).

The 3 Subtypes of NPD

Exhibitionist (Overt): This group gets their narcissistic supplies by being the center of admiring attention. They feel important when other people view them as high in status and treat them as special. They like to give advice because it enhances their sense that they are perfect and know everything. They also feel stronger and smarter when they are able to devalue other people, especially those they see as disrespectful or lower than them in status.

Closet (Covert and Vulnerable): This group needs to get their narcissistic supplies more covertly than the exhibitionist narcissist. They are afraid that if they directly exhibit themselves as special, they may be exposed as inadequate fakes and publicly humiliated. They often get their narcissistic supplies by seeking the approval of people they admire. They also can get indirect narcissistic supplies by attaching themselves to people, religions, sports teams, clothing, books, and objects that they can brag about.

Both exhibitionist and closet narcissist need the people they are using for narcissistic supplies to validate them,. Therefore, if they tell you that their religion, their neighborhood, or their taste in wine is the best, they will take it as a personal attack if you disagree with them. The same goes for the advice they give you. If you do not take their advice or you disagree with it, it ruins its value as narcissistic supplies, and they are likely to devalue you.

Malignant Narcissist (Overt or Covert)—Masterson called this subgroup “devaluing narcissists," but it is more common to call them malignant narcissists. They are truly sadistic and get their narcissistic supplies from destroying other people’s self-esteem and happiness. If you are their partner, they feel better and smarter and stronger when they hurt you.

Summary

We all occasionally use other people to perform functions for us, such as cheering us up, reassuring us that our outfit looks good, and applauding our successes. However, people with narcissistic personality disorder take this to another level. They are almost entirely dependent on the people around them to validate their worth.

If you recognize yourself or someone you love in this description, it is important to know that there are psychotherapists who have done extensive training in the treatment of narcissistic personality disorder, and you can seek them out if you decide that you need help.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.