Sex
What Are Sexless Couples Avoiding When They Don’t Have Sex?
When sexless couples aren't having sex, it's rare that they are avoiding actual sex.
Posted February 19, 2025 Reviewed by Tyler Woods
Key points
- Sexless couples are more common than many people realize.
- It is rare that what these couples are avoiding is actual sex.
- What many sexless couples avoid are feelings they may not know how to handle, including grief and loss.
I work with a lot of monogamous couples in sexless marriages. And when I say sexless, I mean couples who have not had intercourse or any other sexual/erotic activity for 5, 10, 15, or 20 years. It is not uncommon for me to see a couple who has not had any type of sexual or erotic touch between them for 25 or 30 years. I am talking no orgasms, no sex of any kind.
Some of these couples report zero touch between them, while other couples report giving and receiving other forms of affectionate touch to each other, like holding hands, hugging, long kisses, holding and caressing each other naked, even showering together. Couples’ behaviors run the gamut and what they do and don’t do are unique to each couple.
To some of you reading this, it may seem shocking that some long-term couples have gone decades between erotic/sexual encounters. But talk to any sex and couples therapist and you will hear the same thing: it is more common than most people realize.
There is a fundamental principle at play here: with sexless couples like these, if both partners are OK with their sexless relationship, then they do not have “A Problem.” However, if one partner is not OK with their sexless relationship, then the couple has a problem. This is where couples sex therapy comes in.
There is a lot to say on this topic. But for the remainder of this blog, I want to focus on one point in this work. As my training as a sex therapist has taught me, at a certain point in couples therapy, if both partners are willing, we get them started on doing a mutually agreed upon intimate but nonsexual and nonerotic touch activity. This is customized for the couple. This early touch exercise is meant to be within each partner’s window of tolerance and the purpose is to slow down the experience of touch, confront and move through anxieties of all kinds, build comfort with deliberate (meaning not accidental) intimacy, and act like a “dip your baby toe into the water” experience. The questions for each partner to hold in their minds and hearts while doing the touch exercise are: can they be curious (and not judgmental) about their and their partner’s experience, can they be kind (to themselves and their partner), and can they be present (in the moment and not focus on something else).
When I introduce the idea of a nonsexual touch exercise for them to do at home, at least one partner in most couples initially reacts with enthusiasm—often the partner who made the initial appointment with me. “Yes! I’m game. Let’s do this! This is why we’re here!” The other partner, while willing, might have some hesitation. They are often already thinking and imagining doing the touch exercise and anticipating (typically with anxiety) possible reactions they and/or their partner might have. Once we address their stated concerns and they get their questions answered, they typically agree to do the touch exercise.
And then I wait with patience and curiosity for them to come back to their next session as I wonder how it will go.
The first time the couple does the touch exercise (if the couple did not completely avoid it, an occurrence that is pretty common) chances are it went well. “What a relief! It was easier than I/we thought!” Smiles all around and levity in my office (or on the Zoom screen). This is such a great start and so I encourage them to keep doing it. It is like an intrapsychic and interpersonal muscle you are trying to strengthen, I may tell them.
But then, sometimes, something curious can happen for some couples. Some couples will do the touch exercise once, maybe twice, but then stop doing it despite my encouragement. In sessions, they may report being busy, tired, distracted by life’s stressors. They may report they have stopped talking about it with each other, stopped trying to initiate doing it. And so I get curious. The key question here is, what are they avoiding and why?
I cannot understate this: this is a big, crucial, and tricky moment in their therapy. It is where the work deepens. What I have commonly found is that for one or both partners, once this type of touch starts happening again, old feelings start bubbling up to the surface that they had either not been aware of OR were aware of and suppressed. Now those feelings are here (or they are back) front and center, and the client(s) do not know how to process these feelings. This is what many people end up avoiding—feelings.
Those can be feelings like shame, resentment (that’s a biggie), anger, the pain of hurt feelings, and fear. These are typically based on the individuals’ and relationship’s histories. But there is one feeling in particular that, from my observations, hits most people hard. And that is grief and loss. Grief over not speaking up about the lack of sex, grief over not knowing how to speak up, or grief over not even being aware of their feelings in the past. Grief over missing, or rather longing, for this type of touch with their partner and not getting it. Grief and sadness over the lost years or decades.
It is surprising to most people when grief shows up in this moment because many do not associate feelings of grief and loss with sexuality. These are tender moments for couples. And how they manage themselves and support their partner in this tender moment has an enormous impact on future touch. Can they be tender with each other as they process this grief?
Sexuality is never solely about one’s behaviors. Sexuality is deeply tied to one’s humanity. So it makes sense that existential themes can and do come up for people when we are addressing their sexual concerns.
