Do Erotic Interests Help Explain Sexuality?

I was reminded of this piece of data¹ recently: that self-identified heterosexual women watch and enjoy lesbian porn yet they do not seem to identify as lesbian, bisexual, or even bi-curious. That watching lesbian porn is not incorporated into the women’s sexual identity and they maintain their (presumed) heterosexuality. And the people around them allow them to watch lesbian porn without challenging their sexual identity or orientation. There have been many articles written about why this may be: that mainstream porn provides for the male gaze and that women are allowed more sexual fluidity are the commonly cited reasons. But I believe this is really just an example of an often-overlooked part of a person’s sexuality: one’s erotic interests.

What is an erotic interest?

An erotic interest is exactly what it sounds like. In the simplest of terms, an erotic interest is anything you like that increases feelings of eroticism or sexual arousal. It can be something you do (a behavior). It can be something you see (a visual stimulus). It can be something you hear (aural stimulus). It can be something you imagine doing (a fantasy). What differentiates an erotic interest from an erotic or sexual identity is the depth of your feelings about it. An erotic interest is not part of your identity; it’s just something you do.

An Erotic Interest Is Different From An Erotic Identity

We easily understand this difference between interest and identity in other areas of life. For example, Person A likes Disneyland. They have been a few times in their life, and have a lot fun when they are there. However, we all know people who are much (much) more enthusiastic about Disneyland. These folks love Disneyland. Person B goes at least every year, sometimes multiple times a year, maybe they have an annual pass. They have a large collection of Disney-based clothes, movies, or other items. They have a Disney-themed birthday party (regardless of age) or even a Disney-themed wedding. Much of their free time and spending is centered around all things Disney. They are into Disney, and it runs deep. When you think of that person, one of the first things that comes to mind is “Disney.” It is part of their identity.

Using this example as an analogy, Person A’s interest in Disney is akin to an erotic interest. Sure, they like Disneyland, they probably would not turn down a trip to Disneyland if they were offered one, but they do not center their free time or identity around it because they also like other things, like maybe Universal Studios. On the other hand, Person B’s passion for Disney is akin to an erotic identity.

What is interesting is that we do not apply this same concept of an erotic interest to men who have sex with men (MSM). There is a significant portion of society who would call those men gay or homosexual or insist that they identify as gay or homosexual. Yet that label represents an identity when, in fact, they may be expressing an erotic interest. Why do we not give these men the same latitude as we do those straight women I mentioned earlier who enjoy watching lesbian porn? The obvious answer is homophobia. But I also believe that we have struggled to incorporate the concept of an erotic interest into our discussions about human sexuality. In the past, interest equaled identity. Thankfully, I see that changing.

As a sex therapist, I feel it is important that I give my clients permission to be the varied and nuanced humans beings they are. You can like bird watching but not call yourself a Bird Nerd. You can enjoy watching Star Trek episodes without identifying as a Trekkie. You can like kinky sex without calling yourself a kinkster. You can enjoy sex with a same-sex/gender partner and not call yourself gay/lesbian/homosexual/bisexual/pansexual.

Or you can identify as a Bird Nerd, a Trekkie, a kinkster, or gay/lesbian/homosexual/pansexual/bisexual. The beauty is that the choice is yours.