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When a new client first arrives in my sex therapy practice, I conduct an assessment on the reason why they are here. This could be a sexual functioning issue like ED, or a sexual identity issue like “I think I might be bisexual,” an inner conflict about their sexuality like “I like X but I shouldn't like X,” or an issue in their relationship “We’re fighting about sex.”
Lately, though, I have begun to assess how does this person or couple relax. So I ask “What do you do to relax?” And I hear common answers like “Exercise,” or “Watch movies or shows,” or “Play video games.” I hate to break this to you, but none of those things actually help you RELAX.
Exercise gives you a temporary rush of endorphins (a.k.a. makes you feel good and that probably has a secondary sexual benefit when it comes to your self-esteem and body image) but it can also make you feel fatigued—or as a client described it, “spent.” And watching movies and shows or playing video games distracts us, takes our mind off other things, and is a bit like numbing ourselves.
All of these activities have their advantages and time and place. But when I describe that relaxed is a state of feeling calm (vs. tense), alert (vs. distracted or numb), and awake and energized (vs. tired), many of my clients sheepishly admit “Yeah, I don’t really have that feeling regularly.” Some clients are even courageous enough to confess “I don’t really know what that feeling is.” Boy am I glad my clients are this honest; it tells me precisely where we need to focus our efforts.
I cannot tell you how many people minimize the need for regular and consistent relaxation in their lives. It's tough to do these days, I know. I think there are many reasons for this: Part of this is because of the economic realities of many peoples lives; part is the demands of our two-income, two children families and lifestyles; part is how omnipresent technology is in most people’s lives; part is a very American mindset regarding hard work and sacrifice; part is the individual’s psychological and trauma history; part is the existential anxiety we all start to feel at a certain age; and part is the individual’s relationship to and understanding of their own body.
So is it any surprise that those folks who have sexual issues also struggle to relax? Absolutely not. The connection between these things is no coincidence. As I like to say, who we are outside the bedroom is exactly who we are inside the bedroom. If you are easily distracted outside the bedroom you can be easily distracted inside the bedroom. If you feel insecure about your body outside the bedroom you will probably feel insecure about your body inside the bedroom. We don’t walk across the threshold into the bedroom and like that change into another person.
My clients frequently tell me that when they begin a sexual experience with their partner, their minds are elsewhere: on their stressful job, the never-ending household chores (this is where I am reminded of “choreplay” as a way to solve one partner’s anxious thoughts and feelings, but if you have ever done it you know it doesn't really solve anything), the kids, what other productive thing they could be doing with this time instead, how much precious sleep they expect to lose if they have sex at this late hour, or any other number of thoughts.
This is not a relaxed state of mind or being and it does not facilitate sexual energy. What they hope happens, and I do too, is that at some point during the experience the sex becomes interesting enough or arousing enough or pleasurable enough that they are able to change their focus from those other thoughts to instead focus on what is happening in their here and now and go with it. If they do not or cannot make this transition, sexual problems generally occur.
This is a problematic, not to mention passive, way to approach sex. What are you contributing to the endeavor? What state are you in at the beginning of the sexual encounter? This approach to sex puts the onus of responsibility on the sex (or your partner) to get your attention, keep your attention, and relax your body and mind to the point of allowing sexual energy to flow and sexual functioning to successfully occur.
Instead, what if you started a sexual encounter already relaxed and with a calm mind and body? What if you got relaxed first and then began to have sex? This is what my clients say a glass of wine or music or candles or cannabis helps them do. While these can be helpful, they are passive—you are relying on external things to relax you.
But what if you actively took steps to not just set aside the worries of the day but to also get into your body, feel your sexuality, and prepare for partnered sex? What would that take? This is where learning effective relaxation techniques come in, and it is something that is regularly discussed in my office with my clients. Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex. And it's summertime so I hope you're finding ways to relax...and that your sex life is benefitting from it too.
© 2019 Diane Gleim
