Three Ways Age Can Make Elders Better at Romance

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Lately, I’ve noticed many silver-haired couples walking hand-in-hand down sidewalks, along boardwalks, and following trails. Most seem to have a lilt in their steps and sparkly eyes, almost like they’re in love.

I hope they are. I am. After three plus decades of marriage and five years of post-divorce online dating, I, too, feel a lightness and sparkle. It’s seeped into my being over the past five years, and I’m more than a little goo-goo.

Just in time, too. His was the last profile I looked at before pulling the plug on OK Cupid. I needed a break, but my sister wanted to see how online dating works. During my demo, we found my guy.

He and I made plans to meet the following week. One of my goals for a new relationship is to be known and accepted as I am. Also, I want to know and accept my partner fully as he is. I intend to build a healthy relationship. But how will I know we're a good fit?

After my marriage crumbled, I started studying those I knew who seemed to have forged strong partnerships. What made them work? What strategies did they use? Here’s what I learned from them:

1. Drop your defenses early on, and meet each other as you really are.

One long-married couple I know in their seventies accepts her anxiousness when it arises, instead of covering it over or denying its presence. He's developed several small, effective ways to help ease her nervous system—with touch, a few soft-spoken words, a sweet leaning-in. She regains her center, knowing she’s seen. I had never witnessed someone’s anxiety integrated into a partnership, and I knew I could benefit from treatment like that someday, too.

My new relationship blossomed gradually, built on the foundation of an honesty pact we agreed to while on an early date. If our partnership was going to take off, as we both hoped it would, we wanted it to be based on transparency. We shook hands on a pact to frankly speak any time something was of concern to either of us.

Our first “issue” involved a muffin. We’re both healthy eaters, so I thought he might enjoy a bran muffin from my favorite bakery. He smiled as he munched about half of it, then sheepishly confessed he didn’t really like bran muffins. Fine with me, I told him, then noted his preference for blueberry for future reference. His honesty set the stage for future disclosures.

I think many people over 50 are likewise willing to drop the façade and simply be themselves.

2. Identify your differences and collaborate to accommodate what’s important to each of you.

A couple who’ve lived together for over 20 years balance their starkly different interests so each can thrive. She helps people in need work through their financial concerns, much like she did during her long career as a financial planner. The other partner comes from a family of market farmers. Today, he volunteers for his local food bank, loading pallets of donations from various grocery stores. In their together time, the two purposefully engage in shared interests they’ve identified—like hiking, poetry, and adventures with grandkids.

My guy and I each have extensive friendship groups. His involves a community of mountain cabin owners who gather for frequent long weekends together. Mine is far-flung and comprised of friends I’ve made over the years at work, college, and various interest-focused groups. Our social times typically involve dinners, hikes, or some other activity. Overnights are once or twice a year. Balancing time between our people is challenging, but we’re trying different schemes to come up with schedules that work for us all.

One of the delights of elder relationships is that the people involved are likely more mature and self-aware than in our earlier years. You can’t go through multiple decades of ups and downs without being circumspect and flexible. We’re good at flexing.

3. Consider the other’s happiness as equal to or greater than your own.

I know a couple in their sixties who live on a boat. In close quarters, you might say. They need to park their car overnight in a faraway lot. Every morning, he relocates hers from its overnight car park to a daytime-only space very close to where the boat is moored. She makes the bed.

My guy and I tend to be pleasers, so expressing care for each other comes easily. We’re also both firstborn. All the dating advice I’ve ever heard says dating another eldest kid is a no-no. You’ll butt heads, they say, and vie to be the boss. I say poppycock. I think we’re an ideal match, thanks to both birth order and age.

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We’ve learned one another’s strong points and step aside while the other works their magic. I pack the car for road trips. He puts the camping gear away so it’s easy to find every time we need it. He crunches numbers in his head; I can navigate interesting routes to most places we want to go.

I wouldn’t have recognized these aspects of healthy relationships if I were in my forties or even fifties. Thanks to my upbringing, my habitual default was to shape-shift to fit my partner’s preferences. While that strategy worked adequately in the short run, it didn’t satisfy either partner over the long haul. And I lost track of my true desires.

Today, sharing my preferences can still be awkward, but I do so anyway. He likes understanding how I tick. And I like learning what my partner enjoys. For leisure, in the bedroom, or as we walk hand-in-hand toward our hopefully distant futures.