Foregoing Motherhood: The Thing About Future Regret

Source: Robin Higgins/Pixabay

“If I don’t have kids someday, will I be okay?” The young woman asking the question took me aside after a book event. “I have no drive to have them,” she continued, “but moms keep telling me I’ll regret it.”

During our supposedly fertile years, any qualms we express about becoming a mother are met with that line about regretting it later. Or something close to it. Fact is, no one can foresee whether doubts will crop up in the future about most any decision we make. Kids or no kids. Where we live. Who we love, and who we lose.

Because we tend to hang out with folks about our same age, gaining perspective about our future selves is challenging. Some friends will thrive as mothers. Many will regret at least a few aspects of having kids. Same goes for people deciding whether to try for kids.

In my twenties I was pretty sure I didn’t want kids. My role as Lieutenant Mom to my three younger sisters and hundreds of hours babysitting informed at least part of my thought process. So did population growth, finances, and worry about finding a good dad.

In my thirties I made a quick about-face, after a friend and her new husband decided they were going for it. How fun it would be to raise our kids together, they said. I knew I risked losing this friendship if my mate and I didn’t step up. What else were we going to do with our lives anyway, we asked ourselves in the days that followed.

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In quick succession my friend’s two sons were born. On our side, we endured five plus years of fertility treatments, complete with nasty drugs, on-demand sex, and monthly disappointments. I was ambitious then, focused on achieving goals. I forgot my younger self’s childfree stance and felt like a failure.

As the distance between our experiences widened, that friendship slowly petered out. My husband and I threw in the towel and decided to move on with our lives. Enough was enough. I can say I’ve never regretted not going ahead with IVF.

So what were we going to do with the rest of our lives?

Fortunately, I’ve always had friends both older and younger than I. To make sense of my newly accepted identity as a non-mom, I sought out other women who didn’t have children. Mine was a gradual process, one that involved making myself vulnerable and sharing my conundrums.

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With so many life experiences already lived, elder women held the most sway with me. Their stories about how they crafted lives of meaning and purpose were inspirational, regardless of whether they chose not to have kids or were unable to do so. They still are. I feel part of a shared community I can tap into whenever I want or need to.

What I learned is that no one gets everything they want. We all face challenges, opportunities, and triumphs. Over and over, elder women told me to create and celebrate the life I have, knowing regret may crop up from time to time related to all kinds of decisions. Even having kids.

A surprising source of wisdom has been parents I know — especially those who have troubled youngsters, grown sons and daughters who ricochet in and out of their sometimes-empty nests. Those with substance problems, anger issues, or insecure housing. Many confide that they regret having kids. Not that they don’t love them dearly. Now in hindsight, they see value in the road not taken, too.

As for that young woman who asked if she’d be okay not having kids, here’s what I told her. “Yes, you’ll be okay,” I said, “because you already are, just as you are.”