Grief
The Childless Are Worthy to Be Seen and Heard
An empowering interview with the founder of World Childless Week.
Posted August 31, 2021 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
Key points
- The childless are an unrecognized but significant and growing minority.
- When the stigma of being childless is removed, so is the shame, pressure, and guilt of not becoming a parent.
- Joining a support group can help people recognize their thoughts and feelings in the words of strangers.
I recently had the pleasure of talking with Stephanie Joy Phillips, British founder of World Childless Week, about this year’s event and why parents should care about people who don’t have kids.
Kate: What is World Childless Week, and why did you create it?
Steph: I founded World Childless Week in 2017 as an online global event to raise awareness and support those who are childless, not by choice. We’re here to help validate their emotions, find support, build friendships, realize their own worth, and find the confidence to speak out and celebrate their uniqueness.
Alongside supporting the childless community, we also work towards building bridges, raising empathy, and removing the stigma of disenfranchised grief over not becoming a parent.
This year World Childless Week will take place from 13th-19th September. Each day explores a different element of being childless: our stories, sexual intimacy, leaving a legacy, what matters to men, how the adoption question can hurt, personal worth, and how we move forward with our lives.
Kate: Who participates each year? What do they gain from joining in the conversation?
Steph: The childless are an unrecognized but large and growing minority the world can no longer shy away from. World Childless Week enables childless men and women to speak out without fear of shame and judgment and helps them rediscover their worth.
It can be heartbreaking, especially when people in their sixties and seventies say they’ve spent lifetimes hiding their grief and have finally found the support they’ve needed for so long.
In 2020 World Childless Week reached 97 countries (website Geography analytics). And in its debut in September 2017, #worldchildlessweek was tweeted 1.2 million times that week (Twitter analytics).
Kate: What about parents? How do those who have kids plug into WCW in a way that supports those of us who don’t?
Steph: “We Are Worthy to be Seen and Heard” is one of our daily topics. Our lives are regularly portrayed in both daily life and the media with a negative slant. Pronatalism often stamps out our voice. By telling our truths, parents have the opportunity to see the world through our eyes. With these insights, they may not be so quick to judge and take the time to listen and respect our opinions. We can learn from each other, but the childless need to have an equal voice in the conversation.
Here's an example from my own life. A few years ago, after a family party, I told my mum about a conversation that had stung. My gran was in a care home, and one of her nieces was a regular visitor. Relatives praised the niece for being so dedicated because it wasn’t her mum, “just her auntie.” One day I may be referred to as “just an auntie” in a care home, somehow less deserving of visits.
Sometimes it is not obvious what causes the pain. Being amongst a community that understands can make a world of difference.
Kate: What do those who don’t have kids want parents to do? How can they support us, and why should they?
We don’t want to feel pressured, questioned, or given unsolicited advice. We do want and need to be heard, but only when we want to talk. Let us know we’ll be listened to without judgment and supported no matter our decisions.
We also need more open conversation from a young age that becoming a parent, deciding to be childfree, or remaining childless are all seen as normal aspects of life. When we remove the stigma, we, in turn, remove the shame, pressure, and guilt of not becoming a parent.
Everyone knows someone who is childless. They may not realize it, but they do. We are hidden in plain sight, making jokes when asked personal questions, finding excuses to decline invites, or going to the lady's room when a new baby appears in the office.
I found out at age thirty-nine I would never be a parent, but I didn’t know how I could tell anyone. It was a dirty little secret. A year later, my mum asked if I’d considered having children. My pain had been festering just out of sight and had nowhere to hide. I immediately burst into tears. I know I am not the only daughter to hold her childless secret from her mum.
Kate: Why is it crucial to reduce stigmas, pressure, and guilt?
Steph: The emotional turbulence of being childless compounded by pronatalism can lead to people feeling too ashamed to seek support. Grief is complicated at the best of times, but when we feel disenfranchised, we have nowhere to turn. Nobody should have to hold on to their pain for years and purely to fit in with mainstream society.
When I first joined a support group, I was shocked to recognize my own thoughts and feelings in the words of strangers. I learned I wasn’t the only one to feel betrayed by my body, jealous that everyone else seemed to be pregnant, angry that social media portrayed me as unworthy to be called a “real” woman, and ashamed I couldn’t do what was supposed to happen naturally.
Realizing that I was grieving helped me better understand my thoughts. My emotions were normal, and many of the pressures I felt were misguided by society. Slowly I started to question my emotions and reactions to situations.
I realized it was okay to focus on my own well-being and not feel pressured by outside influences. By speaking out, I took control of my childlessness. It no longer controlled me. Over time, its power diminished, and in turn, so did the power of societal judgments and expectations.
Kate: How does someone who doesn’t have kids, as well as parents who care about us, participate in World Childless Week?
Steph: Every day during the week of September 13, read the posts, look at the art, listen to the songs, and watch the webinars. Each day offers something different, and each submission can evoke different emotions.
It takes an incredible amount of courage for people to share their stories. Every like, comment or share helps show how much of a difference these brave contributors are making. Sharing WCW content can open up conversations or let someone hiding in the childless closet know they are seen, that someone has recognized they exist.
Content from all prior years’ World Childless Weeks going back to 2017 is available on our website.
Kate: That's fantastic, Stephanie. I wish you great success for World Childless Week 2021 and thank you on behalf of all of us who have benefitted so much from what you’ve created.
